First work of erotic fiction... feedback please?

[MariusMCW]

Hi, folks. I'm new here, obviously.

When I was a teenager I used to write a lot of erotic fiction. I don't remember most of what I wrote, but I do remember that none of it was very good, and I haven't written any since then, hoping instead to improve my writing ability in other areas, particularly the use of effective imagery.

I'm 21 now and I've had the pleasure of meeting many different types of people, of learning more about how people think and how they live. I'd say I'm definitely more qualified to write fiction about modern, everyday folks than I ever was.

This morning, I had little to do and surprised myself by writing a short erotic story. It's really short-- only six pages-- and I refrained from describing any of the characters physically, so that any reader would be able to associate with them. Also, it's fairly tame in terms of erotic content. Mainly I wrote it because it deals with a subject that fascinates me-- women aged between thirty and fifty who allow men my age to love them with no strings attached.

You can read it here. Let me know what you think.

Thanks,

-M.

 

[Weird Harold]

"she thought to herself"

This jumped out at me in the first line, because it's one of my pet peeves -- who else could she possibly be thinking to? Is she telepathic?

I also noticed that you have a tendency for very long sentences.

Other than that, I didn't see anything that stood out as being exceedingly bad, and several bits that were very good. Of course, I didn't read closely. I just scanned it for a gross impression. I could probably point out many nit-picking details, but it reads fairly smoothly and without a lot of time spent translating misused words and typos.

Overall, I'd say it's a very good first effort.

 

[MariusMCW]

"she thought to herself"

This jumped out at me in the first line, because it's one of my pet peeves -- who else could she possibly be thinking to? Is she telepathic?

As a matter of fact, yes; I plan to work this into the sequel. =P

Seriously, that's something I hadn't thought about. I'm sure it's a bit of writing that I picked up from something I read; I'll work on getting it out of my system.

I also noticed that you have a tendency for very long sentences.

Sadly, yes. I don't like the way the final product looks, but in a sexual situation, a man with four limbs and a mouth would be making more than one movement at any given time, and I've always expressed this by including said actions in the same sentence. Ah, the quest for a solution...

Thanks very much for the feedback!

-M.

 

[Weird Harold]

... a man with four limbs and a mouth would be making more than one movement at any given time, ...

I didn't notice the common hallmark of an obseesion with keeping ironclad control over the sequence of events -- "Then" and "Next" in every sentence -- so i didn't consider that aspect.

Unlss it's absolutely critical to the plot that something happen at exactly the same time as something else, don't worry about trying to keep everything in synch. Throw in an occasional "while" or "As" to remind the reade that more than one thing is going on at once, but don't stress over it. Try to keep sentences down to two or three actions.

Vary the sentences so not every sentence is structured like, "Licking her nipples, he moved his hand down to fondle her navel."

If you write using MS Word 97 (or later) turn on the "Readability Statistics." Each time you run the spelling and grammar check, it will give you a summary of statistics that affect readability. It can give some good clues about which parts of your story need work if you run it one paragraph at a time.