First two submissions

[Veelo]

Posted these OOOOOOOOOOOH about two monthz ago, no one's really read them, I'd like some feedback.

Malina Moonstone -
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=322867

Supposed to be an ongoing series about the space vixen, Malina Moonstone, but I've lost my spark for it. If someone rekindles it, you may find another part going up. If not, I'm busy with other things like not playing tennis and not writing.

Master Payne -
http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=322870

Oh boy, I hate this one. Wrote it when I was... mentally unclear [acid trip]. I plead the fifth. Anyway, is it really as terrible as I think it is? I kind of figured at the time it'd be a series. If it gets me fame and attention, I'd swallow my pride long enough to put up at least ten chapters, at the end of which he will have to die because I hate him so much. But I gave away the ending... no point now, is there?

Don't go commenting on potential spelling errors, either. If I find out there's a spelling error, I may just start cutting again.

That's in bad taste. I apologize for being so FRENETIC. I just feel SAUCY today.

Feedback, plznthnx.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

You have a few problems with reads on "Malina Moonstone". The first is it's Sci-Fi. Generally, that cat doesn't get all that many reads. The Sci-Fi groupies are pretty well read in the catagory and expect a kind of perfection in the Math and Science of the stories posted there.

There are also logic problems with your story. For example, you say Malina has expanded into previously unknown regions of space, but in the next paragraph you say she's busy. You then make a list of things she has on her plate. One of those things is "abandoned outposts." If this is an an unknown region who's abandoning outposts already? Are they alien?

The other thing about this story is your understanding of Sci-Fi. I taught Sci-Lit at a University. That genre of literature is "Mainstream Literature in an Alternate Setting." What you have is space pirates, ray guns and all the trappings of Buck Rogers. Mainstream Sci-Fi moved on from that way back in the 60's.

Back to the story itself, after a rather weird masturbation scene, which I could not understand why it happened, you wrote:

A couple pairs of handguns, two shotguns, a plasma rifle, a very basic grenade gun, and a dated assault rifle that was gathering dust. She tried not to think about why there was dust on her ship as she holstered a pair of pistols, slipped one of the shotguns across her back, and grabbed the assault rifle, more out of distaste for the thing and a need to rid herself of it than a genuine desire to use it.

I can understand why she would go armed, but how many weapons can she carry? I'm confused. Did she take all of these weapons, or just the shotgun, assault rifle and the pistols? And why 20th century weapons?


A few paragraphs later, she meeds the jello-monster and (I guess) faints. Not too good for a "Bounty Hunter".

Then comes a strange, convoluted alien sex/rape scene that I just couldn't believe.

Frankly, your prose is not too bad, but your story is more fantasy than Sci-Fi. The believabiltiy quotient is rather low and I just could not identify, care or even want to know, your main character.

You would have done a lot more to have forgotten the bravado in the beginning and fleshed out Milena and made her a real person. Then you should have thought about the time and setting of your story and given her real weapons consistant with the senerio.

Your monstor was equally unbelievable - Jello with tenticles perving after the heroine? Make it real, get the details right and you'll get reads. This one flops and quite a few levels.

JJ

 

[Veelo]

It wasn't supposed to be the next big thing, just a little slice of something to put a smile on your face. Shallow, irrelevant, penultimately cliché, but entertaining. I wanted it to make fun of itself. Either I went too far in that, or I just flopped in general. Regardless, epic fail. Good to know that.

Funny that it's got a score of 4.55/5, but even Joshua Michael has a fan-base.

If I was to make a sequel, what would you recommend I add and subtract? Or should I just abandon it in general?

and what's a monstor?

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I think I already told you what you need to do. When you can write Sci-Fi without the sex scene you will have arrived. As it is, this is little more than a wank. Remember, Isaac Asimov wrote 39 novels and 7 collections of short stories in his career. There is one rather oblique sex scene.

But, in all his books, the math and science was correct, the characters real, the stories plausible and the detail consistant with the setting.

You missed on all four point.

 

[Veelo]

I think you're of the belief that I was trying to be a superstar with that little piece of literary shit. Your advice reflects that belief, in that the name "Isaac Asimov" was dropped and you're talking about science and math when I write stories solely for the purpose of musing the squish wallet and the fiddle rod.

I appreciate that you read it, even if you didn't like it, but I'm not looking to be the big shot of free online erotica. I can tell you that what you read was engineered ridiculous, not meant to challenge, but to make one chortle at the superfluous nature of the world I made. However, I have this smeaking suspection that no one will believe that, which makes me very sad.

In bed.

Regardless, you took the time and gave the advice, so cheers anyway. Here's hoping someone else enjoys it a little more.

You'll probably enjoy what I'm working on now, though, so maybe you should have a gander at that when I get around to finishing it.