first try

tonytuna1957

BTWDIMIWABM
Joined
Oct 15, 2001
Posts
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I just posted this on the general board but maybe I should have posted it here....my first try



Once

Once I laughed but could not smile
Once I sang but could not hear
Once I loved but could not stay
Once I danced but could not move
Once I thought but could not act
Once I cried but could not weep
Once I tried but could not help
Once I bent but could not break
Once I sat but could not walk
Once I hated but not again

The Breast Man
 
tonytuna1957 said:
I just posted this on the general board but maybe I should have posted it here....my first try



Once

Once I laughed but could not smile
Once I sang but could not hear
Once I loved but could not stay
Once I danced but could not move
Once I thought but could not act
Once I cried but could not weep
Once I tried but could not help
Once I bent but could not break
Once I sat but could not walk
Once I hated but not again

The Breast Man


Kind've a "one trick pony," TT and the readers get the gist of what you are saying by the second line.

This poem could still communicate the same thing and be seven lines shorter.

Perhaps you could look for other ways to expand the idea -

use "twice, three times..."
use another device like...

"Red visited my anger but blue would never come."

Best of luck with the idea.

;)
- Judo
 
I agree that we all got the point! But I thought it was a little provoking.
I mean, how many times do we sit and think abouthis stuff?
 
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