first timer comments greatfully recieved!!!!

[redUK]

hi

my first ever story has just been approved, it feels fantastic!!


any comments or advice greatfully recieved.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=235834

redUK

 

[kbate]

It is OK, I did not get any special thrill from it, the sex was rather plain, and the writing was rather passive.

You had "collage" for college in the description of his art.

A few commas where semi-colons would be better.

You are a bit wordy in some passages, the bold words are unnecessary..

She slipped into her long black coat around her, grabbed her bag and walked out of the flat, the cold air making her naked skin tingle. She found the thrill of being almost naked under her coat was making her pussy wet with anticipation. She would be at his studio soon and then the fun would begin.

 

[redUK]

thanks

thanks for the responce, will keep this in mind as i write my next story.

redUK

 

[riftheotherone]

thanks for the responce, will keep this in mind as i write my next story.

redUK

Yep agree, a spell checker wouldn't go amiss, something like Word covers the grammar also....bit ironic - maybe intentional and my sense of humours gone *lol* - the spelling of response re the actual feedback being given ;-)

 

[riftheotherone]

Yep agree, a spell checker wouldn't go amiss, something like Word covers the grammar also....bit ironic - maybe intentional and my sense of humours gone *lol* - the spelling of response re the actual feedback being given ;-)

Oh and congratulations

 

[redUK]

thank you!!

thank you for your comments, riftheotherone, i have to admit to being dyslexic, so occasionally spelling not my strongest point. will get somone to double and triple check it next time.

 

[riftheotherone]

thank you for your comments, riftheotherone, i have to admit to being dyslexic, so occasionally spelling not my strongest point. will get somone to double and triple check it next time.

In which case spelling was perfect....dyslexia rules KO ;-)

 

[misshum]

I think you are off to a good start. You will get better the more you write, especially if you are able to handle constructive criticism.

 

[redUK]

i feel i can take the criticism, i think next time i will use the editor program, just to make sure it prefect before i submit it.

thank you for taking the time to read my story and give me feedback.

 

[d_e_s]

First of all, congrats!

I read the story, and one thing I found jarring was the way the artist opens the door for his model, and all of a sudden she's masturbating. They didn't even say anything to each other, and suddenly she just can't stop touching herself. Personally, I thought you needed a little something between him opening the door and them getting down to business. Like some dialogue. Other than that, it just needs some more polish to it.

Good luck with your writing.

 

[sensorotika]

Some thoughts:

The premise is fine, and could be used for a strongly erotic story. Some of the imagery is not as descriptive as it could be. I would suggest not becoming discouraged, but do look at how each sentence is crafted.

For example, the sentence:

Every time they met he could sense the sexual tension, and now she had agreed to model for him, the very thought of her aroused him.

The sentence comes across as rather bland, I'm afraid. I would rework it to really depict the intense arousal he must have immediately felt when he first saw her. What was it that attracted him to her? Did he watch her mouth as she spoke, or was it the sway of her hips as she walked? Maybe he was struck by the allure of her eyes; whatever it was about her that sent a shock of sexual electricity through him, you could elaborate.

The most important thing is to just keep writing.

Good luck.