First time

[Polar<>Bear]

Dramatic changes to my life have somehow prompted my inner poet to come out. I'm not even sure what or how she did it --- I guess its one of lifes little secrets. Surprisingly, it was enjoyable to write it - but now I want to better my style, rytheme, etc... any and all suggestions are welcome.

Directions

Two hearts intrinsically and mystically intertwined
The whispering fog hides the truth from both
As if the broken hearts where both lost and benign
Searching endlessly for one another, to make an oath

Once found, the hearts bonds reside together against the world
Patiently listening to each other and enjoying the comfortable silence
Each hearts deep crevasses and canyons being to unfurl
Flourishing together in each others faults, all in abidance

Even within the mystical dimension, the laws remain the same
Trust, faith, and loyalty all belong to the mathematical equation
And when all the elements are balanced it’s the beginning of the game
Dancing in the winds of time they swirl with passion and persuasion

The profound understanding and freedom found without saying a word
Obviously growing stronger even as time and life drastically change sublime
The dimensional bliss transcends perception into reality un-blurred
Resulting in an intense, everlasting unity to be seen and felt until the end of time

By TH
Ottawa, Canada

 

[WickedEve]

Welcome to Lit.
Is this the only poem you've written?

 

[bogusbrig]

Oh for the anguished suffering of love! Now my only thoughts of the heart involve a stake, cloves of garlic and a crucifix!

Welcome to the poetry threads. I hope you get the chance to write another poem before it all turns sour.

 

[flyguy69]

It is two quite different things to write poetry for a lover and to write poetry for the world. Don't confuse the two.

Welcome to the poetry forum.

Dramatic changes to my life have somehow prompted my inner poet to come out. I'm not even sure what or how she did it --- I guess its one of lifes little secrets. Surprisingly, it was enjoyable to write it - but now I want to better my style, rytheme, etc... any and all suggestions are welcome.

Directions

Two hearts intrinsically and mystically intertwined
The whispering fog hides the truth from both
As if the broken hearts where both lost and benign
Searching endlessly for one another, to make an oath

Once found, the hearts bonds reside together against the world
Patiently listening to each other and enjoying the comfortable silence
Each hearts deep crevasses and canyons being to unfurl
Flourishing together in each others faults, all in abidance

Even within the mystical dimension, the laws remain the same
Trust, faith, and loyalty all belong to the mathematical equation
And when all the elements are balanced it’s the beginning of the game
Dancing in the winds of time they swirl with passion and persuasion

The profound understanding and freedom found without saying a word
Obviously growing stronger even as time and life drastically change sublime
The dimensional bliss transcends perception into reality un-blurred
Resulting in an intense, everlasting unity to be seen and felt until the end of time

By TH
Ottawa, Canada

 

[TheRainMan]

Dramatic changes to my life have somehow prompted my inner poet to come out. I'm not even sure what or how she did it --- I guess its one of lifes little secrets. Surprisingly, it was enjoyable to write it - but now I want to better my style, rytheme, etc... any and all suggestions are welcome.

Welcome.

As to suggestions you asked for about the poem - I would forget about the rhymes (too many are forced), try to remove all the adjectives and adverbs that add little to it as a poem (keeping only the essential ones), and look to eliminate all phrases that feel cliched (there are quite a few).

I also echo Flyguy's words . . . writing poetry for the eyes of strangers, as opposed to a lover, is a whole other ballgame.

 

[Sabina_Tolchovsky]

click here



welcome to lit

 

[Angeline]

Welcome to the poetry forum.

I think you've gotten good advice thus far. As I mentioned in some other thread, poetry is about showing rather than telling, so the more you can show with images instead of explaining with excess prose, the better your poems will be.

Read poetry every day, not necessarily here but at places like PoemHunter, Poetry Magazine, Poets.org, and Poetry180. These are just a few examples of great sites where you can explore poetry and discover whose poems most appeal to you. Think about why you like the poems you like. What is it about them that grabs your attention? The images? The way the writer uses language? The way a particular poem is shaped? Whatever you think is good about poems you love is the best starting point for exploring your own poetic style.

If you read every day and write every day you'll be a) a poet and b) a steadily improving poet.

 

[flyguy69]

Welcome to the poetry forum.

I think you've gotten good advice thus far. As I mentioned in some other thread, poetry is about showing rather than telling, so the more you can show with images instead of explaining with excess prose, the better your poems will be.

Read poetry every day, not necessarily here but at places like PoemHunter, Poetry Magazine, Poets.org, and Poetry180. These are just a few examples of great sites where you can explore poetry and discover whose poems most appeal to you. Think about why you like the poems you like. What is it about them that grabs your attention? The images? The way the writer uses language? The way a particular poem is shaped? Whatever you think is good about poems you love is the best starting point for exploring your own poetic style.

If you read every day and write every day you'll be a) a poet and b) a steadily improving poet.

Damn, you're good!

 

[Angeline]

Damn, you're good!

My guru:

The trouble with most musicians today is that they are copycats. Of course you have to start out playing like someone else. You have a model, or a teacher, and you learn all that he can show you. But then you start playing for yourself. Show them that you’re an individual. And I can count those who are doing that today on the fingers of one hand.
~ Lester Young

I read that quote some years ago and thought if it's good enough for jazz, it oughta work for poetry.

It's all about jazz for me baby.