First time

[Remec]

First time sestina

I know, I could just have spoken up earlier or gone out in the surf and found what I needed to learn about some of the terms I see bandied about around here.

But, and I was right, I figured that sooner or later someone would mention one of the various form poems again and add in an explanation as to what they were. (Only thing I was ever schooled in was haiku and sonnets...mostly Shakespearan, but at least one class touched on Petrarchan.)

So...having read the info about the sestina, and having gone to bed with various this and that floating through my brain, I find myself up bright and early Christmas Day typing like a mad man and bringing in my first attempt at such a thing. <sigh> <breathe>
<swallow nervously>

Any thoughts?

***************

Christmas Eve disturbed

I awake in the night and cannot sleep again,
Christmas Eve has that affect sometimes;
No visions of sugarplums dance in my head,
But neither am I roused by noises above;
Visions of holidays both future and past;
Roil and pounce and unsettle me but good.

Am kept up wondering if I've been good;
if Santa is bringing me coal again,
Do I worry whether Christmases past
will rise to haunt me, like they do sometimes;
Or is it likely to be none of the above,
and just the ache of my throbbing head?

I wish I knew why it was my head
and throat seemed nothing near good,
my meds are filled and sit in the kitchen above
waiting for time to take them again
In the the back of my mind, I wonder sometimes
if the pain is merely echoes from the past

What have I done, what sins of the past
would keep me awake, pounding in my head?
I think I know, or fear that I know, sometimes
and I work my way through them towards feeling good
But, inevitably, I suffer the pains once again
and I refill my meds, praying to God above

What do I think that Heaven above
can do now that they haven't in the past?
Who knows? But I try again and again
and, as before, I begin to feel good
Perhaps the whole thing is just in my head,
I wonder that, as well, sometimes

But when I awake on an important night, sometimes
it is to rumbling stomach, not head above
that twists and grinds and burbles but good
so that I awaken as I have in the past
although, not fuzzyminded nor with aching head,
merely unsettled and sleepless again.

I have been good this year, but sometimes
the time rolls again through my brain while above
me I can feel the past sitting upon my head.

***************
I know it's a touch cluttered, and the line length varies...but I've not finely combed it yet...

 

[HomerPindar]

I think it works because you've hit upon a major strengths in sestina, obsession and overthinking things (even insanity is easily portrayed in a sestina). There's only a couple places where the line length could be worked out a little tighter, but it's doable.

on a note on forms, I recommend the Teachers and Students Handbook of Poetic Forms. It's not complete, but it's a great reference and easily understood, and so far, it's not been contradicted by anyone here

 

[BooMerengue]

Re: First time sestina

I know, I could just have spoken up earlier or gone out in the surf and found what I needed to learn about some of the terms I see bandied about around here.

But, and I was right, I figured that sooner or later someone would mention one of the various form poems again and add in an explanation as to what they were. (Only thing I was ever schooled in was haiku and sonnets...mostly Shakespearan, but at least one class touched on Petrarchan.)

So...having read the info about the sestina, and having gone to bed with various this and that floating through my brain, I find myself up bright and early Christmas Day typing like a mad man and bringing in my first attempt at such a thing. <sigh> <breathe>
<swallow nervously>

Any thoughts?

***************

Christmas Eve disturbed

I awake in the night and cannot sleep again,
Christmas Eve has that affect sometimes;
No visions of sugarplums dance in my head,
But neither am I roused by noises above;
Visions of holidays both future and past;
Roil and pounce and unsettle me but good.

Am kept up wondering if I've been good;
if Santa is bringing me coal again,
Do I worry whether Christmases past
will rise to haunt me, like they do sometimes;
Or is it likely to be none of the above,
and just the ache of my throbbing head?

I wish I knew why it was my head
and throat seemed nothing near good,
my meds are filled and sit in the kitchen above
waiting for time to take them again
In the the back of my mind, I wonder sometimes
if the pain is merely echoes from the past

What have I done, what sins of the past
would keep me awake, pounding in my head?
I think I know, or fear that I know, sometimes
and I work my way through them towards feeling good
But, inevitably, I suffer the pains once again
and I refill my meds, praying to God above

What do I think that Heaven above
can do now that they haven't in the past?
Who knows? But I try again and again
and, as before, I begin to feel good
Perhaps the whole thing is just in my head,
I wonder that, as well, sometimes

But when I awake on an important night, sometimes
it is to rumbling stomach, not head above
that twists and grinds and burbles but good
so that I awaken as I have in the past
although, not fuzzyminded nor with aching head,
merely unsettled and sleepless again.

I have been good this year, but sometimes
the time rolls again through my brain while above
me I can feel the past sitting upon my head.

***************
I know it's a touch cluttered, and the line length varies...but I've not finely combed it yet...

I think it's a terrific first try, Remec! Good job. A little trimming, yeah, but you caught the essence right off the bat!

 

[Remec]

After some shaping, I get...

Christmas Eve disturbed


I wake in the night and can'tt sleep again,
That's how Christmas Eve affects me sometimes;
No sugarplum visions dance in my head,
And I am not roused by noises above;
But thoughts of holidays...future and past;
Roil and pounce and unsettle me but good.

Do I wonder whether I have been good;
if Santa is bringing me coal again?
Do I worry whether Christmases past
will rise to haunt me, like they do sometimes?
Or, more likely, is it not the above,
and just the dull ache of my throbbing head?

Always, it seems, no matter what, my head
and throat never feel anything like good,
my meds are filled and waiting above;
waiting until time to take them again.
Deep within my mind, I wonder sometimes
if it isn't just echoes from the past.

What deeds have I done, what sins of the past
would keep me awake, pounding in my head?
I think I know--I fear that I know--sometimes,
working through my sins towards feeling good
but the pains return time and time again.
I refill them, praying to God above

What is it I think that Heaven above
can do now that they haven't in the past?
Who knows? But I try again and again
and, as before, I begin to feel good
Perhaps the whole thing is just in my head,
I wonder about that, as well, sometimes

Waking on an important night, sometimes
it's a rumbling stomach, not head above,
I find twisting, grinding, burbling but good
waking me suddenly, as I have in the past,
although not with fuzzy or aching head,
merely unsettled and sleepless again.

I've been very good this year, but sometimes
Time rolls again through my brain while above
me I feel the past sitting on my head.

*********

I wasn't sure on whether there was an established, traditional length...or what exactly was meant by length...for the lines, but decided it was prolly syllabic and that 10 was a nice, round figure to shoot for. <g>

 

[HomerPindar]

I don't know of any set length for a sestina, but by having different lengths the poem doesn't read as smoothly (one teacher told me that sestina's are also good for use with a drum beat, hitting that repeated word for the line emphsis).

Not that different lengths can't be done, but in the case of what you'd written you were closer to making it work with same length lines rather than making an emphsis with different length lines.

 

[Angeline]

I think it's excellent, Remec. I especially like the way you've shaped it, and Homer's point is well taken--the form's call for repetition lends itself to obsession (which makes me wonder why Poe didn't employ it, lol).

This is a good site for the form:

Sestina

You'll note that sestinas can (but don't have to be) written in iambic pentameter. I wrote one that way. Once. It darn near crossed my eyes doing it, and I don't think I ever got the meter totally right anyway.

And here is a great reference for form poetry in general (to add to Homer's rec).

The Book of Forms: A Handbook of Poetics by Lewis Turco


Ange

 

[foehn]

That's an excellent poem.

Forms is cool, but really, to my way of thinking, the first thing to tame is meter and rhythm. I liked the rhythm in this poem, but sometimes it seemed to take excessive liberties with the meter.

There's a balance I can feel, a tension between meter and rhythm, and I know when it's right; I just find it difficult to describe. It may only be a learned preference, I don't know.

I do know this: Meter is a canoe in the water. Rhythm is the canoe moving, rocking, turning. A canoe just sitting in the water is boring, after a bit. Too much frolicking with the "rhythm" can capsize the canoe...

Some here seem concerned with syllables. I was never interested in writing (or reading) syllabic poetry, for the sake of reading that school. There are probably some new linguistic theories I'm not "up" on, but working with meter and rhythm still works for me pretty well.

I think BooMerengue and Remec should collaborate on an iambic pentameter poem of about 50 lines.