G
PatCarrington
fingering the buttons
- Joined
- Jul 24, 2004
- Posts
- 1,624
Lime said:
Lime,
if that's the first poem you've done, i think it is very good. the words and images seem solid to me.
i do not like the structure. the line length feels uncomfortable to me. there are many things you could do with it if you want, something like this:
Heart, frosted by the proximate passing
of death’s cold hand. Its ethereal grip
wrings the joy from my soul.
Memories kindle the flicker of a smile
doused to an acrid smolder
by sleepless tears.
Yet, I am saved.
The living embrace of my lover
is a bellows on the embers,
her soft caresses dam the flow.
Her mortal breath brings forth flames
and puts flight the darkness. Sweet
kisses melt my hoary prison.
I am born anew.
