First time writing lesbian erotica and would love some honest feedback

[IvyWillcox]

Hello a little bit about myself. I write erotica as a hobby, sharing some of my twisted fantasies with others hoping that they will also enjoy it. I have no formal training in writing but I do know I can only get better with feedback, good or bad. I set a personal goal to write in as many different genres as I can this year so as not to get to comfortable in one subject.

Liberated is my first attempt in the lesbian category. It is a story about a woman who finds love and more in the midst of World War 2. I am looking forward to hearing what others think about it. Thanks, -Ivy

https://www.literotica.com/s/liberated

 

[Tigersman]

I read your story to the end. It appears you are relying on spellcheck too much. All spellcheck does is tell the writer if the word they used was spelled correctly, not if it is the correct word. I found several instances of the wrong word being used or the wrong tense. I noticed a lack of punctuation in some cases and the wrong punctuation in others.

I normally suggest to any writer I edit for to purchase and have handy a good dictionary. I use Merriam-Webster's Collegiate dictionary not only to check spelling but to see which words are hyphenated, which ones are compound words and which ones are two separate words.

Should you like to use an editor, I've been editing since March 2015. I have several authors I work with. Two of my writers have submitted their works to publishing houses. They also post on Literotica. You can check out their work should you like to see my work. Some of them are tw-holt, JamesMarin, and translucentgurl. All my authors have at least three stories while some are quite prolific.

 

[SaddleRider]

In terms of content...

The sex is pretty decent all around, but I think it could use a bit more emotion. It seems a bit stiff in that department, like a recitation of events more than a story of what emotions drive them in their lives and drive them together.

Overall it's a good first effort though.

 

[myindeeds]

Liberated

I read your story to the end. It appears you are relying on spellcheck too much. All spellcheck does is tell the writer if the word they used was spelled correctly, not if it is the correct word

I agree, and it is also a big problem in the punctuation. But don't worry too much, these minor errors only aggravate English Language Nazis like myself, people who read only for story should be happy. Read this: https://www.literotica.com/s/dialogue-this

- Story by exposition? Maybe you could introduce the story as "England, January 1945" in a headline then let the reader figure out your story is set in WW2 battle (because they are allied female nurses in Germany). As it stands you waste the first few paragraphs with exposition dumping instead of building character through action.

- Actually, you are doing a lot of exposition dumping throughout your story. I believe you can find ways of conveying the story information by showing the same information through actions within the story. Cutting the down on exposition dumping will make your story more engaging.

- Never use "her" in a lesbian story because it's usually some degree of confusing. If that means you have to keep repeating the character names to show the possessive, so be it. (Or figure out another way to be clear - eg. one woman remains clothed so it can't be "her" nipples which are pulled)

- a good first story

 

[Bramblethorn]

Hi there, well done for taking the dive!

I think you have a good story idea there, but there were some technical and storytelling issues that kept distracting me from it.

On the technical side:

- Seconding Tigersman's comment on spelling: "shuttering" for "shuddering", "M1 grand" for "M1 Garand", etc. Might benefit from finding a reader who can pick up this sort of thing.
- Some problems with punctuating speech; there are plenty of references around on how to do it so I won't repeat the rules here.
- Inconsistent capitalisation: "western front" vs "Eastern front".

On the story/character side:

Nancy didn't know what to say but she agreed with her

Pitfall of same-sex stories: hard to keep track of which "she" is which.

A couple of lines from Maria:

"Who knows. The angel of death cares not who calls upon him to do their bidding, as long as he collects the souls of the unsuspecting victims who cross his path."

"Oh yeah lick that pussy. That's it lick that fucking pussy."

The way a character talks is very important in establishing who they are. Maria is all over the place. One minute she's talking like a flowery 19th-century novel, the next she sounds like a 2000s porno. Maria may have studied English, but it's hard to imagine a nice educated German girl of the 1940s having learned that kind of English; if she's really excited, wouldn't she be more likely to drop back into German?

When I'm writing a character from a non-English background (and often others too), I try to plan out how they talk in relation to their background. For some that means looking at the sort of mistakes non-English speakers make when learning English. For others who have very good English, it might mean speaking more formally because they don't know when it's okay to break the rules, or they don't want to be pestered by racists. Touches like that can go a long way to strengthening characterisation.

Pacing: for readers who just want torrid sex, the pacing was fine. But it felt to me like you were also interested in telling a story, and for me that story was a bit too rushed. I think you could've afforded to let Nancy and Maria get to know one another more gradually, draw out that seduction a bit. For my tastes, there are only so many ways people can have sex; how they get there is what really makes the sex interesting.

Anyway, just my two cents' worth. Keep writing!

Edit: oh, and, a nurse should know the difference between "vagina" and "vulva". The vagina is the inside bit; if your vagina's resting on somebody's thigh, you're in big trouble!

 

[IvyWillcox]

Thanks for all of your advice.

First off I would like to thank all of you for your valued input on my story.

Tigersman, I have to agree with you and what the others pointed out about my errors. It is true I do rely on spellcheck and I must admit that I have been ticketed by the grammar police in my past stories. I throw myself at the mercy of the court and plead guilty to blatant disregard and wrongful use of punctuation along with erroneous grammatical misconduct. I accept my punishment and will look into having someone look over my work in the future.


SaddleRider, I will keep your advise in mind about adding more emotion in my future stories. Thanks


myindeeds, I really wasn't sure what you were talking about when you said exposition dumping. So I went back and looked over my story and I think I know where you are coming from now. I will try to incorporate more of a build up of my characters and story line in my future writings. I was also concerned that the her/she might get confusing while writing the story. Now I know my worries were rightfully placed and will keep that in mind when writing same sex scenarios down the road. Oh and thanks for the link that was full of good advice. I read it and added it to my favorites.


Bramblethorn, I couldn't agree with you more when you said "....draw out that seduction a bit. For my tastes, there are only so many ways people can have sex; how they get there is what really makes the sex interesting." I find that this can be true in real life also. The flirting and the thrill of the chase can be just as exciting as the sex, if not more sometimes. And I will do my best to add more of that in my stories. As well as keep in mind how my characters speak.


Well thanks everyone for your honest constructive criticism of my story and I only hope my future stories will improve with the help of all of the great advice you shared with me. I am only a novice and am happy with the scores my past stories on here have earned, but I am always looking to improve to make my writing more enjoyable. Thanks Again

 

[hadruprider]

Hmm, too many little mistakes in the writing to make it an enjoyable read. And too many cliches, like 'not going to sit here and find out', 'jumped at the opportunity'. There are some sentences that need commas in them.
Then there's the bit where the German girl in 1945 talks like a 2015 US porn actress...

Well, that's a bit harsh for your first effort - sorry!

I think you are trying to be too ambitious - I would suggest starting with a simpler setting for the story. The actual sex bits are quite hot!