First time writer

[Mated]

http://www.literotica.com/s/chloe-and-mathews-first-night

Hello, I'm new to writing on here and looking for some feed back. This was my very first story and am currently waiting on the Ch. 2 to be approved. I can't help but feel I have some sort of giant flaws in my story and simply can't find it. I think I need to work on dialog more. I would very much like some constructive critisism. While im writing these stories I feel I'm cutting out alot of things due to believing its too long or doesn't get right to it people would lose interest.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

OK, mated, a pretty good first submision. Carry the story farther.

You take most of the Lit readers out of the circle when you talk about phat pants, hardstyle and the Melbourne shuffle. In tight-assed terms like sr uses, you lose your audience using concepts they don't understand. I know phat pants are but I had to Google 'hardstyle'. I am 30+ after all!

The dialog is not a problem but you seem to want to concentrate on the dress code and the physical rather than the emotional and the erotic.

 

[sr71plt]

In tight-assed terms like sr uses,

Simply can't help yourself in the irrelevant backbiting, can you?

You'd been gone so long, that I thought (and hoped) that a house had fallen on you.

You weren't writing stories to submit to Literotica while you were gone, though, were you?

 

[nakdsub]

It sounded good to me

I didn't read the story, but I didn't see anything wrong with Elfie's comments. It sounded like good, constuctive criticism to me.
I have no problem when someone writes something like this about one of my stories.

 

[sr71plt]

I didn't read the story, but I didn't see anything wrong with Elfie's comments. It sounded like good, constuctive criticism to me.
I have no problem when someone writes something like this about one of my stories.

It wasn't about her guidance (although you really should actually be writing erotic to give guidance on writing erotica), but on the unnecessary jab she put in there.

 

[nakdsub]

I agree on the one point

I guess I've received so much worse, I've become hardened to the jab. I do agree with you on your other point though. Every time I get a really, really bad review on my work, it's from someone who has never submitted a piece. If they're not going to put forth the effort to contribute, then read and shut up. Good point!

 

[Mated]

I don't know how I didn't think of those terms being unfamiliar to readers, I guess I didn't consider it with it being such a normal term to me but im no where near as old as you. I'll have to work on thinking from audience point of view. The chapter 2 should be approved soon and I feel I did much better in writing it. I'm quite surprised at the lack of anyone mentioning the "master" and "pet" mentality, its something I myself havnt seen alot though it could be from lack of reading too many stories. I don't really see how im focusing on dress code and physical over emotional and erotic, if you could elaborate on that I would hope its something I can work on.

 

[KarlMartinK]

I think the story would benefit from having an editor. It starts off kind of disjointed, with details kind of coming in the wrong order (in my opinion). The alarm clock goes off, then a description of the girl, then what time she had set the alarm for. It seems out of order.

The grammar could use the help of an editor through the entire story, especially with commas.

Other than that, the story seems to flow at the right pace, although some areas could use more detail.

 

[sethp]

It was good. You have talent. There were a few punctuation errors, but nothing that really distracted from the story. You should work with an editor. That would hone your writing. I thought that there were too many paragraph/dialogue breaks...it almost made the story seem a little choppy and gave it less of a flow...the only other comment would be to make it longer but I've got some super short stories as well though. Keep it up and write and submit more. You're doing it right!

 

[Mated]

Well, good to know people think it was too short. I had cut out alot of stuff due to feeling it was too long, seven pages in word, but now I can put in full detail. Sadly the Ch.2 is going to be just as short since it is currently pending. I'm very curious what people will think of Ch.2, I believe it is better than Ch.1 but will leave the audience to judge. Being new to here I was some what afraid to look for an editor, I thought why bother them with my amature stories. Originaly I had expected my stories would be hated just for the fact the female is older and taller than the male, but seems the literotica comunity is less judgemental of that then others I've known.

 

[sethp]

Wrong thinking there my friend. Editors like to help new writers..especially ones who will listen and appreciate them.

 

[Mated]

Ch.2

http://www.literotica.com/s/chloe-and-mathews-first-night-ch-02

Here is chapter 2, I feel I wrote this chapter better. Would very much like your feedback on this.

 

[kinkosity]

Just a couple things (unrelated to the erotic, though, so you an choose how important they are): a lot of times, dialogue tags - like said, asked, and inquired - are not needed. Unless you want to clarify how it's said/shouted/screamed or you think the reader will get confused on who is saying what, I'd say nix those and just go on with the action. For example:

Instead of -

"Pass the salt, please." She said as she leaned over the table, struggling to reach the seasoning.

it can be written as -

"Pass the salt, please." She leaned over the table, struggling to reach the seasoning.

Some of the dialogue doesn't flow believably to me, either, which is common. I find things that don't flow believably in published works, too; maybe it's just me.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

mated, glad you've posted chapter 2 - will go take a read later.

Just a point, Lit pages are around 7- 8 Word pages (depending on spacing and dialogue) and most Lit stories are 2-3 Lit pages. The point about 'going on too long' isn't about running to 20 or so Word pages but the relevance of each sentence/paragraph to developing the plot/story.

A common problem in Lit stories is to give too much extraneous description and background. You don't do this. I thought in Ch. 1 you could have used more dialogue to show the pair felt a tad isolated from their fellow students and warmed to each other because of the dancing. That, surely, was the crux of the plot?

I've been educated with terms like 'Melbourne shuffle' but I suspect you may be talking Urdu as far as many Lit readers are concerned. Don't assume everyone is up to speed as you.

sr, just testing that your incubus wasn't hibernating.

If you give 10 helpful and detailed critiques of newbies' stories on this site, I will stop calling you as a shamus who only uses the site as a promotional vehicle and just disparages any criticism of your appallingly aggressive behavior on a newbies forum.

Writers have no perspective - just like actors, they berate the critics who they claim have no legitimacy because they don't suffer the creative 'birth'. You know that's rubbish.

 

[Mated]

It will be some time before any chapter three is done, I've hit a block on story line ideas. I want to use all the feedback I've been given to make chapter three much better. I need to stop typing my stories up after pulling an all nighter when I'm half asleep. You are correct Elfin about them warming up to eachother over the dancing, but also both had been playing a online game only to find out they have been playing the same online game together for some time.

 

[JellyTug]

Overall.. I like the outline of the story.. BUT...
It isn't very believable. The girl goes from virgin.. to wanting to call the guy Master, most women take a LONG time to get to that point.. if ever.
So you should chop this story up into pieces.. like a saga.. Have your first story with some light oral and fingering and work your way up to the point of fucking and then after a few more stories THEN you can do the whole master scenario. Happy writing!!

 

[Mated]

I really like your idea of chopping up the story, I didn't think of that when I was first writing. I have to point out one thing though, in this Chloe is the master over Mathew.

 

[roomfor1more]

It is relatively good and I have read a lot worse. In my honest opinion you should feel proud of it. With that said, if there is an area for improvement I would say, make the story less mechanical. By this I mean, spend more time editing the story and revising it. If you spend more time editing, I feel, you will find points were you can cut back on the wordiness, correct some grammatical errors, and make some changes to the structure. Also, do not recant the experience. Instead let the story guide you by trying to write in the way the character would respond, not how you feel they should respond. Finally take some time to read through how the story flows and try to make it flow a bit smoother. Should you be able to do it then I feel you will notice a remarkable improvement.