First time writer

[justlurkin]

OK...so I've been warned for and against posting a story here and I've decided to go ahead and post it. I really do want to hear what you all think about this freshman attempt. I hope you will enjoy this

As the car pulled up along side the curb he wondered to himself if he had been too thoughtless in the way he had acted. She was making sexual advances toward him, in her way, but he had chosen to ignore them. All his life he had been plagued by the fact that he was oblivious to sexual come-ons. Friends would tell him that some girl had been checking him out but he would be clueless to the fact until it was specifically pointed out. He looked at the girl next to him. She was beautiful, a big girl with curves from top to bottom. Some men may have called her fat but he was enthralled. She was also 10 years older than he was. At nineteen to meet someone like her was like a dream come true. To him she was beautiful.

The large breasts pushing at her t-shirt he noticed had extraordinarily erect and large nipples. He could almost smell her juices from the driver’s seat and in that heady aroma he was quickly losing the capacity to think clearly. Long moments passed as they each searched for something to do or say.

“It was nice seeing you tonight”, she said breaking the reverie and slipping them both back into the now.
“Umm…yeah it was nice”, as he fumbled for words now drawn out of some pubescent fantasy, “So, what do you want to do now?”
“I don’t know, did you have anything in mind?” she replied.
Not for the first time in his life his mind went totally and utterly blank, then it exploded.

Thoughts and fantasies buzzed around his brain like excited bees too full of pollen to fly back to the hive. He wasn’t even sure whether he would remain conscious sine the flow of blood had been re-rerouted to other areas of his body. His jeans were growing uncomfortably tight and he saw that she kept glancing down at his lap where even in the pale glow of the street lamp it was obvious he had a raging hard-on.

Her hand brushed his leg. The touch was so small, yet it sent tremors coursing through his body. He returned the small touch on her thigh and was almost surprised to hear her sigh audibly. This time the touch was more deliberate. Her hand was lightly caressing his thigh. He almost shot his load right then and there, however he took control of himself and calmed the near climax. Reaching over toward her he lightly stroked her neck, then her shoulder and down until he was brushing her plump breast. She moaned as her breathing quickened.

Leaning in they kissed long and passionately, tongues intertwined in a long lost moment of ecstasy. The gloves were off now and they explored each others bodies with abandon. Freeing her breasts from the confines of her shirt he felt the plumpness of her breasts and the hardness of her nipples. So exciting was the moment that it felt like risking everything to lean down and put his mouth to her nipple and suck like a child seeking sustenance. Her moans were all the payment he could have asked for.

Before he knew it her hand was at his crotch rubbing wildly against his jeans. He moved his hand down letting the heat of her body guide him. Even over the thin pants she was wearing he could feel the dampness soaking through the fabric. He slid his hand inside her pants and felt the most exquisite wetness. It was beyond mere sexual excitement. She flowed over his fingers like her pussy was another living thing separate and alive seeking its own reward. He worked her clit, gently at first, slipping a finger in and then two until she came with a gasp. He was still fascinated by her wetness when she slipped her hand inside his pants and stroked his cock. With punctuated strokes she played on his cock the beat of a music he had never heard before. It made all the other sounds he had ever heard pale and go quiet in reverence to this new and wonderful sound. He came with a band of angels singing in his ears only to have them fall silent at the sound of her breathing and then her voice whispering in his ear, “That was wonderful.” And he could not have agreed more.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

There’s some good stuff in there, but there’s also a lot of imagery and language that didin’t work that well for me. I found the image of the bees buzzing in his head and his growing dizzy at that point kind of odd. At least, I don’t associate sexual excitement with buzzing, but I appreictae your using a fresh image. There’s some cliché in the writing too (“almost shot his load”, “The gloves were off”, “Before he knew it”).

I’m assuming that this piece is just a kind of exercise, just to see if you could write a sex scene, and so there’s no sense in mentioning that what happens between these people has no emotional or human context; it’s just raw sex. This is what I think of as ‘genital’ porn, because it involves the characters’ genitals more than the characters themselves.

I think you have a problem with pacing, which is something that plagues us all. They’re sitting nervously in the car, then Bang! They’re suddenly all over each other. He’s playing with her and Bang! she comes, then Bang! He comes. There’s not much of that sense of build-up and tension.

Personally, I would also like to see more visual imagery. There’s a kind of porn we call “shopping list” porn, where he does this to her, then he does that to her. He touches her here, then he touches her there. He kisses this then he sucks her that. Lost in all that list of what they’re doing is a description of how they’re responding to each other, the human interplay. I personally like to have a picture of what’s going on.

You have a good feel for sensual description, and that’s half the battle, plus you have an original imagination. For a first sketch this shows a lot of promise.

---dr.M.

 

[justlurkin]

Thanks for the critique. You are correct in that this is just "putting my toe in the water" piece to see if I could do it. One of the problems that I tend to run into is that I don't realize I'm using cliche until someone else points it out, but some of those were rather glaring. Not to mention a little embarrassing reading them now.

I think I should probaby read more of the stories already on Lit before trying it again.

<I think you have a problem with pacing,>

As with sex pacing can be all important- point taken.

<You have a good feel for sensual description, and that’s half the battle, plus you have an original imagination. For a first sketch this shows a lot of promise. >

Thanks for the upbeat note. I will definitely be trying again.

 

[Varian P]

Hey there, first-timer,

I'm pretty new myself, so take my thoughts for what they're worth (about 32 cents, and the dollar's weak, remember).

I thought that, word for word, you had an unusually high ratio of fresh, poetic phrases and evocotive images. Clearly you've got a way with the word, and a good sense of conveying experiential detail.

Overall, this story didn't set me off, though, I think only because it felt like a quick sketch with a few thoughtful phrases set in where they'd come to you. If you drew out this encounter, and particularly the petting that's supposed to be taking this pair off to orgasm land, I think this would be an effective bit of erotica.

A few thoughts on the particulars:

She was making sexual advances toward him, in her way, but he had chosen to ignore them. All his life he had been plagued by the fact that he was oblivious to sexual come-ons.

Is he ignoring the come-ons? Or is he oblivious to them? His uncertainty of what to do with this older, more experienced woman is a nice touch of characterization, but I’d like that little difference clarified, and his thoughts brought in line, either way.

“Umm…yeah it was nice”, as he fumbled for words now drawn out of some pubescent fantasy, “So, what do you want to do now?”

I had a little difficulty gleaning your meaning here. If I understand correctly, something like this might be more clear:

"umm...yeah" he emerged from his adolescent fantasy and began fumbling for words, "it was nice."


You have some rather nice lines, like:

Thoughts and fantasies buzzed around his brain like excited bees too full of pollen to fly back to the hive.

and, I'd suggest, there's something rather brilliant in the tense dichotomy of this line, which draws a comparison at once utterly obvious and slightly disturbing:

So exciting was the moment that it felt like risking everything to lean down and put his mouth to her nipple and suck like a child seeking sustenance.

And then this line

She flowed over his fingers like her pussy was another living thing separate and alive seeking its own reward.

captures the sometimes alarming animality of the strange dance of groping humans do--it's an image at once erotic and a little frightening which seems to me quite apt.

And I like this, too:

With punctuated strokes she played on his cock the beat of a music he had never heard before. It made all the other sounds he had ever heard pale and go quiet in reverence to this new and wonderful sound. He came with a band of angels singing in his ears only to have them fall silent at the sound of her breathing and then her voice whispering in his ear,

Have fun writing more!

-Varian

 

[Pure]

Hi Just,
I guess it's not clear to you what the procedure it, for there is a queue here, which you've jumped.

Please post a note in the "Discussion Feedback" sticky thread. Also take note the the critiques around here are 'swapped'; that is, to get, you have to give.

Probably this is a mixup due to ignorance, and likely your story is worth a look, so don't take it personally that I'm trying to 'cap' this thread for now. Please join in, by the usual route.

J.

 

[justlurkin]

Hi Just,
I guess it's not clear to you what the procedure it, for there is a queue here, which you've jumped.

Please post a note in the "Discussion Feedback" sticky thread. Also take note the the critiques around here are 'swapped'; that is, to get, you have to give.

Probably this is a mixup due to ignorance, and likely your story is worth a look, so don't take it personally that I'm trying to 'cap' this thread for now. Please join in, by the usual route.

J.

I posted a couple of queries on this matter. Thanks for clearing it up. I will go that route from now on.

 

[justlurkin]

Hey there, first-timer,

I'm pretty new myself, so take my thoughts for what they're worth (about 32 cents, and the dollar's weak, remember).

I thought that, word for word, you had an unusually high ratio of fresh, poetic phrases and evocotive images. Clearly you've got a way with the word, and a good sense of conveying experiential detail.

Overall, this story didn't set me off, though, I think only because it felt like a quick sketch with a few thoughtful phrases set in where they'd come to you. If you drew out this encounter, and particularly the petting that's supposed to be taking this pair off to orgasm land, I think this would be an effective bit of erotica.

A few thoughts on the particulars:




Is he ignoring the come-ons? Or is he oblivious to them? His uncertainty of what to do with this older, more experienced woman is a nice touch of characterization, but I’d like that little difference clarified, and his thoughts brought in line, either way.



I had a little difficulty gleaning your meaning here. If I understand correctly, something like this might be more clear:

"umm...yeah" he emerged from his adolescent fantasy and began fumbling for words, "it was nice."


You have some rather nice lines, like:



and, I'd suggest, there's something rather brilliant in the tense dichotomy of this line, which draws a comparison at once utterly obvious and slightly disturbing:




And then this line



captures the sometimes alarming animality of the strange dance of groping humans do--it's an image at once erotic and a little frightening which seems to me quite apt.

And I like this, too:



Have fun writing more!

-Varian

Thanks for both the criticisim and the praise. I will take them both with the utmost consideration.....maybe on a different thread now

 

[justlurkin]

Hi Just,
I guess it's not clear to you what the procedure it, for there is a queue here, which you've jumped.

Please post a note in the "Discussion Feedback" sticky thread. Also take note the the critiques around here are 'swapped'; that is, to get, you have to give.

Probably this is a mixup due to ignorance, and likely your story is worth a look, so don't take it personally that I'm trying to 'cap' this thread for now. Please join in, by the usual route.

J.

Pure,

I didn't see any forum that was just for "Discussion Feedback" . I would be very happy posting in this forum. I am assuming you are talking about the "Story Discussion Circle". I thank you for guiding me toward this. I really do want to make friends on this board so none of this should be taken as sarcastic. I really do appreciate you're help. Talk to you soon!

 

[Pure]

"Discussion: Feedback" is a thread (as I stated) in Story Discussion Circle where we try to sort and order the authors who want stories critiqued. Do drop in.

 

[fifty5]

"Discussion: Feedback" is a thread (as I stated) in Story Discussion Circle where we try to sort and order the authors who want stories critiqued. Do drop in.

Hi Pure,

Can you clarify that please for my benefit - and maybe for justlurkin and others too.

The sticky thread in this forum that I see at the top of the list is called, "Discussion: Feedback and review of stories that you have posted at Literotica!" But justlurkin's - and one that I would like to submit for criticism - have not been posted. To me that ruled out that thread.

Alternatively there's another sticky called,"Workshop: Get feedback on stories before you submit to Literotica!" - but that seems pretty moribund.

Thus, for unpublished work there seems to be one option that looks as if it doesn't fit, plus another that looks as if it won't work...

Given that, I was just about to do exactly what justlurkin did.

If "Discussion" is open to work that has not been posted, can it please be renamed?

And can you confirm that I am right to interpret what you posted here to mean what I think it does: that all work, not just that which has already been posted, should in fact go through the "Discussion" thread protocol.

Thanks for your guidance,

f5 (now f6)

 

[Pure]

you're right. we're trying to put everything (everyone) in one queue. i've added another note (among several) to that effect in the sticky labeled 'workshop.'

 

[fifty5]

you're right. we're trying to put everything (everyone) in one queue. i've added another note (among several) to that effect in the sticky labeled 'workshop.'

Is it possible to change the 'explanation' on the outside of the sticky? If one believes the current explanation, one won't venture inside, so won't read the new note...

f5