First time writer, want honest feedback.

Hi Sidney,

As I usually qualify, because it's true, I'm more of a reader than a writer. This is by no means "professional" advice, just my opinion.

I'll just give you a few issues I see.

1.) You wrote a second person story and I've learned it's a bit of a minefield. Sometimes it's hard for a reader to put him/herself into the role of the protagonist, which is pretty much why a lot of porn readers read the stuff. You are talking to "you", but the "you" of your story is not the reader unless you can pull it off. It also causes the writer to lean on the word "I". In your first paragraph you have 11 "I's" and 12 in the second paragraph, which leads me to point 2.

2.) Most of your paragraphs are massive. "Wall of words" is the phrase most often used to describe a story without enough breaks to ease Internet reading. Many recommend keeping paragraphs to 8 or 10 Lit lines. Yeah, it's not proper paragraphing and you just have to make your best guess for breaks.

3.) The scene has a lot of play-by-play. For an understanding of this issue, read this How To by TheEarl. Pay particular attention to the World Sex Championship section.

4.) I'm no grammarian, but you have some obvious grammar and punctuation issues an editor would catch. Watch your descriptors. I caught "soft sigh" three times. And when you're calling out "yes", do you stretch the consonant "s"? "Yessssssssss." if you must, it would probably be the vowel that would be extended. "Ye-e-e-e-s." In the future try "Yes." I fell into this word stretching, caps, etc., too, when I started. :eek:

5.) I kept looking for why You was so emotional, why she was afraid to let you go. It seems to me that unmentioned stuff is your story, the sex scene is just a part of it. ;)

My favorite part was the opening. That really caught my attention. I also like how your obvious care and love was conveyed.

I hope some of this helps a little. Now, head out and start the search for your new best friend: an editor. ;)

Good luck and happy writing. :rose:
 
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Thanks a bunch for the feedback. After rereading the story on the site, I totally agree on all points.

The POV was a minefield. The first draft was 3rd person omniscient, but it completely lost that "personal" feel I wanted.

I tried to break a line whenever new dialogue was introduced. It's how I was trained to write a short story. However, you are right in that it doesn't work here.

The story *is* personal, I didn't want to get into the "whys" of things, but it does seem...lacking, for loss of a better word. I had an excerpt in it with more dialogue about that, but it diluted the passion in the story so much that I cut it out.

I will seek out an editor next time, I promise!

Thanks again!
 
Perhaps the personal feel you felt was licking in third person is directly connected to the real story behind why the sex is so important. One writer here (I hate to mention his name because I might be inadvertently misrepresenting his views,) has often stressed that the "why" or the emotion and all the head game stuff is the real eroticism. I still struggle with it myself and I doubt I'll ever master it.
 
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