First-time Writer Kindly Requesting Feedback

[LuckieDuckie]

Hello! I'm new, but I have been appreciating Lit for about a decade before finally deciding to try my hand at being an author. I'm having a lot of fun writing, though I am starting to feel a little daunted at the inevitable scope of things. The more I write, the more characters, decisions, and plot twists I can see unraveling down the line. I've just published Pt. 03 and am putting a slight pause on Pt. 04. I figured it would be wiser to get some feedback first and hopefully avoid tripping into major issues in the future, when the plot will be much more complicated. Also, world building is not my strong suit, but I am trying

In any case, any and all feedback/constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated!

A Reason to Stay Pt. 01

 

[AlinaX]

You write well, but I feel oddly disconnected from the story. Maybe it's because I want to understand more about the character and the world she's in. You start with a nothingness in-between worlds, then time-jump to a future point where the alien has become mundane. The story is so focussed on the sex that the real story of what-the-fuck-is-going-on never gets a chance.

I'm certainly guilty of using nameless narrators and jumping into the sex, but emotional grounding is essential, and especially for sci-fi it's important to set the scene.

Here you've created a world where the narrator is lost and alone, where she wants to get home, where surely she should fear upsetting the people she desperately needs help from. But she doesn't really seem to care.

 

[TheRedChamber]

I agree with AlinaX. The problem with some SciFi stories is there's too much World Building and not enough sex, but this has the opposite problem.

We don't really know much of anything after the time skip and we also don't really know anything about the world or even why they are training to fight. The story so far could be set in a modern dojo and not be too much different.


This doesn't mean we need whole paragraphs dumping info, but more clues spread around would be helpful.

That said, you write the sex well and it is hot.

 

[LuckieDuckie]

Thank you both for your feedback! Your points are valid and I think I was afraid at first of doing too much exposition. If either of you have the chance, would you possibly mind also reading the second (and perhaps the third) as well? I tried to flesh out the details more in those chapters, perhaps you can let me know if things get any clearer by then!

 

[LuckieDuckie]

Alright I brainstormed a bit and decided I could address this disconnect one of two ways: either I could add a separate, mini prologue to bridge that time gap, or I could try to edit part 1 itself with more details. I only hesitate to do the latter because my one and only attempt at editing took an entire month to publish so now I am afraid to do it again Also since it’s been read a bunch of times already, I’m not sure if it’ll even be worth it for most people to reread.

Would either of you (or anyone else) have some thoughts on that? Any tips on the best way to go about it?

 

[AlinaX]

It's not really worth editing stories or trying to shove intermediate bits in. Unless you're a perfectionist and losing sleep over it. Just go write something else entirely, and think about what works for you as a reader.

I'm a scientist irl and grew up on sci-fi, so I love writing sci-fi stuff. It's interesting that the sci-fi readers here appreciate stories as much for their sci-fi content as for their erotic content.

Writing a series takes passion and dedication. If it's any good, you'll pick up a handful of dedicated readers, but the view counts will be discouragingly low. It's really up to you and your muse. Write, write well, and have fun, because otherwise what's the point.

 

[LuckieDuckie]

thank you that makes total sense. I will just focus on doing better the next time around and you're right, I think that's why I generally prefer to stick to genres like sci-fi and fantasy, as readers we tend to appreciate detail a lot more and be extra patient with exposition, which I didn't take into account enough from the getgo.

And that's so cool that you're a scientist! If I may ask, what kind?? I think I'm definitely more a noobie when it comes to sci-fi, I've always loved it but I don't have nearly as much exposure to it as I do with fantasy, even with them being lumped together all the time. I think I also struggle with older sci-fi content (and fantasy too) cause the female characters tend to get short changed so often but that's why I love Octavia Butler so much.

Would you maybe have some recommendations for that goodgood sci-fi? Either on Lit or elsewhere? I'm always open to adding more to my must-read pile.

 

[AlinaX]

Octavia Butler is very good. You might like Nnedi Okorafor's Binti trilogy.

I'm currently reading (or re-reading) Frank Herbert's Dune, John Varley's Titan, Sheri S Tepper's Raising the Stones, and Kate Elliott's Unconquerable Sun. (These last two authors are excellent for writing strong female characters.)

I have degrees in maths, physics and mechanical engineering, but my real passions are computer programming and writing fiction.

 

[TheRedChamber]

I'm currently watching Brandon Sanderson's classes on Sci-Fi/Fantasy writing on YouTube. There's one on world-building that might be particularly useful for you though they're all good

 

[LuckieDuckie]

excellent, I'll have to look into all of the things you've both mentioned! and wow that is super accomplished...I am but a humble, chaotic art major

 

[TheRedChamber]

I read parts two and three.

The moment to moment writing is good as are the sex scenes.

Chapter two is a little messy because, having had the time skip in chapter one you now go back and fill in some of the details but from another point of view. This isn't hugely complicated, but adds an extra layer when readers are already trying to figure out your setting. It also means that your coving quite a lot of scenes many of which have limited or no dialogue.


You also change narrators a bit too often towards the end especially during sex. It may be easier to write from a third person perspective that is close to either Jez or Aed and more omnipotent when they are both together. (but obviously too late for this story)


I was surprised by you having Jez blow Seb at the end of chapter three. You'd done a lot of work making Jez and Aed seem monogamous. If it becomes a major plot point later, fine, but I wondered if you'd out that scene in just so there was some sex in the chapter.

I'd still like to know a bit more about Jezia's life back on Earth. She's referred to as being from an immigrant family but I don't remember many clues about where (Google thinks it's Filipino) When you say she insisted on wearing traditional clothing I'm not sure whether it just means eg t shirt and jeans or something actually traditional.

 

[LuckieDuckie]

Ah yes…my scramble to remedy the fact that I was using this as an experiment and didn’t initially plan to write more I will keep that in mind and avoid too many flashbacks in the future.

For the narrator switching part, it was something another writer did that I surprisingly enjoyed a lot, guess I just didn’t pull it off as well as they did. To be honest, wasn’t too keen on repeating that but good to know regardless.

I was surprised as well because truthfully I don’t know what my characters will do half the time, until they do it, if that makes any sense I don’t know if you’ve ever read the Kushiel series but, that mixed with a little Butler and things like Sense8…I dunno, I guess after thinking about it a bit I wanted to explore the idea of love being infinite, rather than limited and defined for the sake of our comfort/familiarity. It’s a tough moral line to walk I know, but seeing as how this is turning into one giant experiment of experiments I figured why not! That and Mentors have no real desire to be monogamous so I figured I had to address that eventually, somehow. It was never meant to be easy for Aed, and by proxy Jez, to keep up the exclusivity.

Noted! I will try to bring in more details for Jez. I dropped hints here and there about her being a POC (person of color) but I left it a bit open ended at first because I wasn’t sure what race specifically she should be, or if that even ultimately mattered for now. I also have the typical habit of assuming readers will be familiar with my world (I live in Los Angeles so just mentioning spicy food that you choke on while it’s cooked or hot cheetos is a dead giveaway that you’re a POC at which point it almost doesn’t matter which kind because of the general solidarity) but of course that’s not the case since both you and Alina are from the UK. An oopsie on my part, I will also keep that in mind.

For the clothing I meant more just regular, everyday clothing that provides more coverage. Mentor outfits are basically form fitting crop tops/sports bras and shorts, very much what you would see at your local gym or yoga class. Apologies if that was confusing!

 

[AlinaX]

I never got around to Kushiel. It looked very interesting, but I was never quite in the right mood. Sense8, I loved the first season, never got into the second.

 

[LuckieDuckie]

It is definitely worth the read but for sure very intense. It is extremely lore dense with a lot of political intrigue, religious context, and emphasis on pain, but at least at the time was refreshing and different. I also loved the first season! Sad it got cancelled, second is still good but hard to compete with the first. I think there was a movie afterwards as well? Very in line with the rabid fandom of Firefly

 

[gunhilltrain]

Wow, this is a hugely ambitious way to start out.

(The city of Neon reminds me of the Los Angeles of Blade Runner. Was that your inspiration?)

The only useful thing I could add is what AlinaX said above. Since you are already at Chapter 3, don't double back to earlier chapters and change or add anything to those. Just keep going and add whatever you think is needed in the following chapters.

 

[LuckieDuckie]

Hmm I guess so when I think about it! I do really like Bladerunner. But I think Neon might be a lot more…utopian? Like a lot of grey concrete and manicured shrubbery…I will have to talk more about that in the story won’t I I imagine there would be a downtown that’s more hustling and bustling, but where the Academy and Enlightened Estates are would be quieter, more suburban (LA is huge anyway so could be a similar mirroring).

Roger that, thanks for backing up that advice, I will try to live up to this ambition

 

[gunhilltrain]

Hmm I guess so when I think about it! I do really like Bladerunner. But I think Neon might be a lot more…utopian? Like a lot of grey concrete and manicured shrubbery…I will have to talk more about that in the story won’t I I imagine there would be a downtown that’s more hustling and bustling, but where the Academy and Enlightened Estates are would be quieter, more suburban (LA is huge anyway so could be a similar mirroring).

Roger that, thanks for backing up that advice, I will try to live up to this ambition

And thank you for making me one of your favorites. The 1982 Blade Runner seemed to depict a very changed Los Angeles. However, parts of it were filmed there, like the Bradbury Building and the Million Dollar movie theater across the street.

 

[Busterhymen43]

Hello! I'm new, but I have been appreciating Lit for about a decade before finally deciding to try my hand at being an author. I'm having a lot of fun writing, though I am starting to feel a little daunted at the inevitable scope of things. The more I write, the more characters, decisions, and plot twists I can see unraveling down the line. I've just published Pt. 03 and am putting a slight pause on Pt. 04. I figured it would be wiser to get some feedback first and hopefully avoid tripping into major issues in the future, when the plot will be much more complicated. Also, world building is not my strong suit, but I am trying

In any case, any and all feedback/constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated!

A Reason to Stay Pt. 01

Be careful what you wish for. most who comment are rude and dop so anonymously. Which in my humble opinion gives their comment no creditability, I turn comments off. I look at the ratings. They give a better view of how your story is accepted.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Be careful what you wish for. most who comment are rude and dop so anonymously. Which in my humble opinion gives their comment no creditability, I turn comments off. I look at the ratings. They give a better view of how your story is accepted.

This is simply not true. Please stop making it a blanket statement, which you have done in multiple places. For some writers, garbage comments are the rare exceptions, and some of the most coherent comments are from anons.

I've found that you get comments if you write either very well or very badly - your readers will let you know which is which - and not many comments if you're in the middle of the bell curve. Make of that what you will, but don't assume all comments are negative, because they're not.

 

[Lifestyle66]

Be careful what you wish for. most who comment are rude and dop so anonymously. Which in my humble opinion gives their comment no creditability, I turn comments off. I look at the ratings. They give a better view of how your story is accepted.

I agree with electricblue66.

The comments are what they are: someone's opinion of your story. Turning comments off masks the verbiage of the hater who would 1-bomb it anyway. When I read their hater comment, I know it's the "wife sharing" which caused a 1-bomb and not necessarily the whole plot or quality of my writing (it might deserve a 2 or 3, but the 1 comes from the wife-sharing theme).

It's the category and tags you place on your stories which might attract haters. Posting to Loving Wives or adding a tag for "wife sharing", "swinger", etc regardless of category will attract 1-bombs and hater comments. If you are striving to achieve the coveted red-H, then avoid that category and those tags, or write the type of stories those haters might like with 5's (ie. "burn-the-bitch" or tell the story from the wife's lover's POV).

Use the comments to learn more about your audience, and learn to adapt.