First Time Submissions

[azurejade]

As a long time reader of this site I decided to finnaly let others see my "secret hobby" I didnt get many votes and am not sure all that many people read them. So here I am to get my face out there so to speak.
I am Azurejade, if you have time please give me suggestions on how I can make my stories better. And also tell me what you thought of the two i have.
Thank you.
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=196390

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=198365

 

[msboy8]

As a long time reader of this site I decided to finnaly let others see my "secret hobby" I didnt get many votes and am not sure all that many people read them. So here I am to get my face out there so to speak.
I am Azurejade, if you have time please give me suggestions on how I can make my stories better. And also tell me what you thought of the two i have.
Thank you.
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=196390

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=198365

I Read, Voted and Commented on both stories. Keep writing!

 

[azurejade]

Much appreciated.

 

[MaxSebastian]

I'm afraid these kind of short vignettes aren't really to my taste - these two 'stories' are just scenes, really, sexual fantasies without much characterisation or any plot to get your teeth into.

You can certainly write, though - although be careful to vary your language throughout, the second story has far too many paragraphs starting with the first person pronoun and that starts to drag after a while in my opinion. Spelling and grammar seem fairly spot on, and that's important, and your vocabulary is sufficient to give you a lot to work with.

The thing that gets me is the way you're trying to write in this pseudo-poetic way, particularly in your openings, which grates a bit. These are early attempts and you've clearly tried to make an impact - but I think you're trying overly hard to do that. Much better to opt for clarity and get the reader hooked on the story rather than trying to persuade them you should be Poet Laureate.

Here, you've tried to make the reader see your stories as beautiful and lyrical, sure, but it seems corny to me. And doing this means it is all too easy for you to write 'beautiful' sentences that verge into confusing and - worst of all - nonsensical territory.

Such a style can be effective, but the way you do it here makes it confusing and difficult to read - it took me a few paragraphs to understand what you were going on about and exactly what was going on in these stories. Sure, I'm impatient, but it's important to grip a reader from the get go in these stories, especially on the web and on a site where readers have so many other stories easily accessible.

The way you did this also saw you weaving a veil of mystery over important details like the setting and the characters - mystery and suspense is all very well, but in these pieces it meant for a less memorable, less interesting read.

The little dialogue you had here seemed corny, too - dialogue is so important in developing interesting characters that readers can connect with, I find. It is also important in developing quality seduction and getting the reader interested in the romantic entanglements.

So the main points for me were: More plot, please; More characterisation, please; More dialogue, please; More gripping start, please; More detail, please; and, you don't have to cut it out but do keep control on the poetry.

Lots of potential, though, so keep up the good work!

Max

 

[azurejade]

Thank you very much max I admire your honesty. I will certainly work on the plot and characterizartion. Being new Im glad to see it didnt totaly suck. I am working on another not but in a diffrent catagory and hope it is a little more detailed.

 

[MetroRoadie]

Just a gentle bump for a good friend and one of my favorite story writers

 

[azurejade]

Any more suggestions would also be helpful.

 

[azurejade]

Wrote and had another for readers enjoyment. Feedback, voting and sugestions appreciated.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=202911

 

[Singularity]

Too Wordy...

Max S is on target with his comments. I'll add that the wording is too verbose and flowery for me, especially in the first paragraph, and that you'll probabably lose 90% of your readers right here.

I awaken, it seems to be a new dawn; but every day is the same none the less. I wait and continue to do so, wishing for an opportune time to have something interesting to say. I long for a time where affection is wanted and shown. I thought it was what I could hold onto but it seems it was something I only once had. Carrying my head high, feeling as though I am in a lie, I carry on. I look up and stare into the most beautiful eyes, as they always were, filled with mystery and an uneasy sense. I wonder what thought fly threw and which are not spoken. Is there something that has changed, something I have missed?

There's no "hook" here to draw the readers in and make them sit up and say "wow, this is worth scrolling down for." When the character says she continues to wait and that she has nothing interesting to say , the natural reaction is to take her at her word and back-click away from the story.

The "I wonder...." sentenece has me scratching my head, too. I read it four times and I still don't get it. I even tried to think of what an errant MS Word spell check correction might have done to it, but no go.

Pare the descriptions down, and make the characters tell us about themselves instead of telling us about them, and let them come to life for us. It may take some more paragraphs, but it will be worth it.

 

[azurejade]

Thank you. I am trying but being new to this im not yet sure what actually hooks people. Ive read a lot of storys and written far more then posting them. I have been working on the charactor factor more and will deffinatly add in more descripton.

 

[Singularity]

Read Others' Stories - As A Writer

To get some ideas about "hooks" and good openings, try reading some other authors' stories and study the words and the sentences as an author instead of as a reader.

Dissect what they've done and see if it works for you. Basically conduct some psychological experiments on yourself... and how you react to their opening salvo. Hopefully the result will be to your benefit instead of some permanent, horrible and permanent mental disfigurement.


You can try sampling the Top Lists of your favorite category to start with. Which is not to say that all top-list stories are great ones. There are some stinkers from a literary standpoint that have an immense stroke-value to a lot of people that have high scores but low-calorie content on the writing side. But it is a better place to start than a random stab in the dark.


Sin.

 

[Winemaster]

good writing

I thought the writing was good....I too want to submit a story and still look for advice.
I enjoyed the writing in your story - but agree with some of the other comments
about characterization.
I enjoy hearing the passion - why the two are "hot" for each other...

looking forward to reading more!

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?p=12040715#post12040715