TrueBlueUK
Virgin
- Joined
- Nov 11, 2019
- Posts
- 1
First story that's published...would love some feedback and comments.
https://literotica.com/beta/s/are-you-ready-to-play
https://literotica.com/beta/s/are-you-ready-to-play
first time story
- Thread starter TrueBlueUK
- Start date
NotWise
Desert Rat
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2015
- Posts
- 16,050
Your story is a good first effort. It's hot enough 
Lit normally expects US punctuation style, but first-time authors seem to get a pass on that. In the future, use double quotes instead of single and place the ending punctuation inside the quotation marks. Otherwise, later stories may be sent back for corrections. This is not a big deal for your story, since there was little in the way of dialogue.
The story has a few other punctuation problems to be aware of. You have a number of comma-spliced sentences, and you abuse semicolons.
Of course, the readers don't care that much about technique as long as the story is hot enough.
There are a few other points I'll mention briefly.
I don't think it helped the story to start with Lisa approaching the hotel, then flashing back to why she was there. The beginning seemed unnecessary.
Your word choice was sometimes repetitive. That may have actually contributed to the hotness a little, but "pussy" is used a lot, and there are repeated references to her bodily fluids. There had to be other ways to tell the story.
The story is almost entirely narrative. Even when Derek does say something, it isn't in the context of conversation. Your characters don't exchange thoughts. You might consider using dialogue to engage the readers more.
Good start. It looks like the readers are happy with it.
Lit normally expects US punctuation style, but first-time authors seem to get a pass on that. In the future, use double quotes instead of single and place the ending punctuation inside the quotation marks. Otherwise, later stories may be sent back for corrections. This is not a big deal for your story, since there was little in the way of dialogue.
The story has a few other punctuation problems to be aware of. You have a number of comma-spliced sentences, and you abuse semicolons.
Of course, the readers don't care that much about technique as long as the story is hot enough.
There are a few other points I'll mention briefly.
I don't think it helped the story to start with Lisa approaching the hotel, then flashing back to why she was there. The beginning seemed unnecessary.
Your word choice was sometimes repetitive. That may have actually contributed to the hotness a little, but "pussy" is used a lot, and there are repeated references to her bodily fluids. There had to be other ways to tell the story.
The story is almost entirely narrative. Even when Derek does say something, it isn't in the context of conversation. Your characters don't exchange thoughts. You might consider using dialogue to engage the readers more.
Good start. It looks like the readers are happy with it.
yowser
xpressive
- Joined
- May 5, 2014
- Posts
- 4,326
Agreed, a promising start.
Descriptions are good, sometimes a bit overwrought ('pussy squelch with anticipation') but you capture a sense of place and feeling, essential qualities to any good story.
Movement and pace are good with the general comment/advice that cutting and editing down is often an improvement,
I would not worry about non-US spelling and punctuation, my stories have both US and UK styles and as long as style is internally consistent within the story, there will be no real concerns. And there is a wide Aussie/UK audience here anyway.
Descriptions are good, sometimes a bit overwrought ('pussy squelch with anticipation') but you capture a sense of place and feeling, essential qualities to any good story.
Movement and pace are good with the general comment/advice that cutting and editing down is often an improvement,
I would not worry about non-US spelling and punctuation, my stories have both US and UK styles and as long as style is internally consistent within the story, there will be no real concerns. And there is a wide Aussie/UK audience here anyway.
