First time posting...

[USWMachine]

Hey this is the first poem I've ever put on here, I'd love some feedback. Please be gentle.



One More Day

Blues on black surface
The dark room engulfs me
Mind racing in circles
Drowning in an open sea

Hands brace and push up
Ears hear the rain pour
The same repetitious dream
Trying to forget as I open the door

The bathroom mirror reflects
Quite the familiar face
Face goes down to the sink
Thoughts continue to race.

Inches covered with cloth
The car starts up and I drive
Asphalt lot completely silent
The gym empty when I arrive

Earplugs block out the storm
Hands wrapped, gloves on
Fists slam against leather
"Forget her, she's gone."

The phrase goes through his head
Over and over, burning
Hands slamming, skin ripping
Emotions steaming, turning

"Fuck her" pierces his mind
The bag shakes, the chain clinks
A primal growl emits and he stops
It stops and to his knees he sinks

Gloves slide off and so does tape
Knuckles red, ripped, in pain
"God dammit...." his lips move
The thoughts drive me insane

The glass door opens and out I walk
Standing there, I soak
Tears drop down my cheeks
So many feelings invoke

He wants to hate her, but he can't
How does he forget his best friend
How does he forget the way she felt
The way he could talk to her and not pretend

His fists hurt and they writhe
Nothing compared though to his heart
He'd give anything to see her eyes
To take it back to the beginning

To touch her skin, feel her heat
To everything she would say
To smell her scent again
Anything for just one more day

 

[Tzara]

There are elements of your poem I like, Mr. Machine. It is much better than the usual "Hi, I've written a poem and want feedback" thread that shows up here. You've shown some care in what you've written, for example. A lot of first-time poets don't.

Before I say anything in particular, though, I'd like to know if you have read any other poetry, and if so, who.

If you have, it would help me understand your context.

 

[USWMachine]

There are elements of your poem I like, Mr. Machine. It is much better than the usual "Hi, I've written a poem and want feedback" thread that shows up here. You've shown some care in what you've written, for example. A lot of first-time poets don't.

Before I say anything in particular, though, I'd like to know if you have read any other poetry, and if so, who.

If you have, it would help me understand your context.

I have before. Mainly in college. Frost sticks out, mainly I just write in whatever style fits the emotion. I've done haikus before but it didn't fit here.

 

[champagne1982]

Hey there, Machine. I read through your poem and found it engaging on first glance. Welcome to the PF&D forum and thanks for posting your work here.

You keep excellent metre and have stayed true to the rhyme scheme. Unfortunately, when you have a long story to tell and you're trying to keep the language fresh, you have forced a couple of those rhymes... An example:

"Fuck her" pierces his mind
The bag shakes, the chain clinks
A primal growl emits and he stops
It stops and to his knees he sinks.​

When you need to switch syntax to get your rhyming word to the end of the line - that's forcing; and doing so shows that, perhaps, the poet needs to take a bit more time in deciding how to phrase the stanza.

Another point to work on throughout your poem would be to decide on the narrative point of view. You switch from 3rd to 1st person quite often as in:

"God dammit...." his lips move
The thoughts drive me insane.​

First you speak of his lips and then "drive me".

Often, a poem needs to rest away from scrutiny for a time and then once the heat of writing it has cooled, re-read and edit with fresh eyes. I see more problems with my own writing a few days down the road past creation and the practice serves me well. I hope you enjoyed writing this piece and continue to read poems. Reading other people and offering feedback of your own on their work is great practice in vocabulary, finding problems with syntax and POV, and just generally supplying good ideas to write on.

There are some great writing threads and challenges to try here on the PoBo, so join in. I think you have loads to offer.

Take care

 

[USWMachine]

Hey there, Machine. I read through your poem and found it engaging on first glance. Welcome to the PF&D forum and thanks for posting your work here.

You keep excellent metre and have stayed true to the rhyme scheme. Unfortunately, when you have a long story to tell and you're trying to keep the language fresh, you have forced a couple of those rhymes... An example:

"Fuck her" pierces his mind
The bag shakes, the chain clinks
A primal growl emits and he stops
It stops and to his knees he sinks.​

When you need to switch syntax to get your rhyming word to the end of the line - that's forcing; and doing so shows that, perhaps, the poet needs to take a bit more time in deciding how to phrase the stanza.

Another point to work on throughout your poem would be to decide on the narrative point of view. You switch from 3rd to 1st person quite often as in:

"God dammit...." his lips move
The thoughts drive me insane.​

First you speak of his lips and then "drive me".

Often, a poem needs to rest away from scrutiny for a time and then once the heat of writing it has cooled, re-read and edit with fresh eyes. I see more problems with my own writing a few days down the road past creation and the practice serves me well. I hope you enjoyed writing this piece and continue to read poems. Reading other people and offering feedback of your own on their work is great practice in vocabulary, finding problems with syntax and POV, and just generally supplying good ideas to write on.

There are some great writing threads and challenges to try here on the PoBo, so join in. I think you have loads to offer.

Take care

Thank you for the feedback, unfortunately when I write there is often alot of emotion behind it and things get forced. Thank you though.

 

[LadyVer]

I'm not a writer nor a poetry expert, but I can relate to the expression of a lost relationship.

 

[Tzara]

I have before. Mainly in college. Frost sticks out, mainly I just write in whatever style fits the emotion. I've done haikus before but it didn't fit here.

Well, that might explain the rhyme, I guess.

I'll try to comment (gently, as you requested, but my "gently" might be your "you asshole son of a bitch") tomorrow, as I am off to dinner at this point.

As the Champster says, welcome to the PF&D.

 

[Tzara]

OK. As Champie points out, there is a little confusion of point-of-view in the poem, which seems to switch from first person to third to first and back to third. This isn't especially confusing, but it is jarring to the reader and takes them out of the poem. Well, it takes me out of the poem, at least.

The rhyme and the (more or less) regular meter give the poem a bit of a sing-song sound, which seems to be at cross-purposes with the theme of lost love. You might want to experiment with free verse to tell the story or at least try to be more flexible in form--use more slant rhyme (i.e., a word pairing like "fish" and "gush" that sort of rhymes but doesn't fully or exactly) for example to tone down the obviousness of the rhyme.

Finally, while I know you're (presumably) trying to get your own feelings down, to function well as a poem you need to focus on invoking feeling in the reader. I think this poem is too linear, for one thing. What do I get from reading the stanza about the bathroom mirror? That just seems like filler to me, but I am just one reader.

Anyway, I guess I'd say that overall the poem shows care in construction (good thing) but overall doesn't really distinguish itself for me.

 

[Angeline]

Hi and welcome to the poetry world.

You've received some great advice. I especially agree with Champ that you need to settle on a narrative voice (either I/You/He) across the poem and not keep switching between them. If you choose one and carefully edit to reflect it, you'll be surprised at how much better the lines flow.

Also, you need to avoid the passive voice. That, more than anything else, is tanking your poem for me. Change all your verbs to active voice and it will be a big improvement.

You have an interesting story to tell in your poem: I can feel that you have passion for your subject, and that is always a good thing in any kind of writing. I would try to rewrite this with the suggested changes and try to be as specific as you can: specifics are always way more interesting than general statements. And remember that if you can't imagine yourself ever saying a line you wrote in actual conversation, it likely won't work in a poem, either.

Good luck!

 

[USWMachine]

Thank you for all of the advice. I must admit, I'm not really very knowledgable about too many different forms of poetry. I'm just trying to somehow convey a feeling to print.

 

[champagne1982]

Double post

 

[champagne1982]

Thank you for all of the advice. I must admit, I'm not really very knowledgable about too many different forms of poetry. I'm just trying to somehow convey a feeling to print.

Ooooh, you've set yourself up for Lesson #1!

WRITE WHAT YOU SEE

Choose any object nearby.
Describe it but never tell us what it is.
Do not use any other term that would give the object away.
Only write a maximum of 35 words.
Let us try to guess what you've described.
If no one is correct, well, write a new poem and try again.​

And while you're waiting for us to guess, read lots of poetry and have fun.

 

[Angeline]

Thank you for all of the advice. I must admit, I'm not really very knowledgable about too many different forms of poetry. I'm just trying to somehow convey a feeling to print.

You don't have to be especially expert on types of poetry to write a good poem. You do have to be clear in your mind what feelings you want to convey and think about whether the words you choose are making the poem work for you. If they aren't then you need to edit and keep trying to find the right words. It does help if you try to write something (even if just for ten or fifteen minutes) every day. Also the more poems you read (try exploring poems on a site like poemhunter), the better you will see what you do and don't like of what you read. You'll also get ideas this way that you can experiment with in your own poetry.

This is, imho, one way to work at understanding and writing poetry. It does take some effort, but there are big rewards in seeing yourself improve. On the other hand, if you're just writing as an emotional outlet and don't want to invest more time and effort, that is fine, too, and vaya con dios!