First time posting a story

[enami741]

Hello wonderful people, this is the first time I am posting (and writing) an erotic story. It would be really helpful if you could post feedback and criticisms. I need to know how it was and what went wrong so I could improve on it. Thank you so much!
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I met her at a pool party. Her name was Kelly, I found out she’s Columbian and on her way to become a fine nurse. My friend Nicole who invited me notified me that she was taken. Imagine my disappointment. Everyone else there had a significant other except for Kelly and me, except that Kelly is not single. I recently got out of a 3 year relationship. I am in no rush to get back into a relationship though, I just need someone to satisfy my apetite.
I jump into the pool, swim a couple of laps and from time to time look at Kelly. There she is, her slender body wrapped donned in a cute pink bikini. The body is petite but delicious. She has a beautiful face, curly black hair, tanned skin. Her ass begs me to grab them. Her breasts are lower B but what do I care? I am more interested in the full package and it is delish!
The afternoon was spent by the poolside, eating pizza, chatting with the people around me. Kelly was busy with her phone. Something seems to bother her and it involves her boyfriend. Well, good for me! When she’s not upset, I manage to smile at her. She smiles back. The pina colada comes and I offer her some. She asks my name again. So far so good. With the sunset comes the cool air. We move to the open air hot tub upstairs with our drinks. Six of us jumped in.

Kelly finishes her pina colada and I add some more into her cup from mine. We all settle in and let the jet does the trick. It was nice and soothing. I move close to Kelly put, one arm around her. The tub was small so everyone was touching everyone else’s feet. I start chatting with this gorgeous nurse to be. I guess she got too much alcohol in her system. She starts flirting. Underneath the bubble I brush my hand against her thigh. Could’ve been an accident. I do it again, this time I place my hand near her thigh, close enough to make contact but not enough to make it look intentional. She moves her leg towards me.

Above water we are just two people enjoying the hot tub and each other’s company. We smile, look into the other’s eyes. I can smell the rum in her breath. I am more fascinated by her face though. What I wouldn’t give to kiss her right now. Kelly’s boyfriend’s sister is too busy with her fiancé. She glanced at us a couple of times but I am not sure if she registered anything.
Under the surface, I move my hand up her thigh. She bites her lips. I wink at her. I move closer. She nods ‘no’ with a seductive smile, daring me to go more. I inch my hand upwards, up to the bikini bottom. She places her hand on the swim trunk and slowly slips it inside. Before I know it, my throbbing cock was in her hand. I slowly put my hand through her panties and surprise, surprise, she’s shaved! I place my thumb on her clit and work my fingers through her parted labia, ready and willing.

It was dark, everyone was tired and ready to leave. They are too busy with their significant other but at least it was kosher. What Kelly and I were doing reeked of lie and deception but it was all exciting. For me, it was the first pussy in 3 years and already I am looking ahead to exploring it deeper with my cock. I look at Kelly, her eyes her closed. She’s biting her lips with even more intensity. I am just looking at her, imagining her face when she’s lying in my bed, taking every inch of that hard cock that she’s stroking. I bet she’s thinking of the same thing. I badly want to taste her. I bet a girl like her tastes like crack water, sweet and addictive. I keep massaging her clit and fucking her with my fingers. She squeezes my cock, and with her free hand she grabs my back. She buries her nails in my back. I know she’s close. I continue stroking her. I reach deep and there! Her g-spot at my reach! I continue massaging her clit and g-spot, all the while holding myself back. It is becoming difficult. I don’t want to cum in a tub full of people but then again, I am wearing my swimming trunk.

Kelly, whispers in my ear, ‘I want to feel your cum on my hands. Cum with me.’

With that I let go. I give her the warmth of my cum what she so desires. Even in a hot tub, she felt it. I know she did because a moment later I felt her pussy tighten around my finger. She scratched my back with violence. She wanted to scream but she couldn’t. It would have given us away. She shuddered a few times. I gently pulled out and rubbed her thigh. She released my cock, gingerly, she pulled out her hand and tried to inspect it in the dim light.
She whispers, ‘Too bad it got washed off.’
I see that the others are about to step out. They were oblivious of what happened. As they were busy leaving the pool, I quickly turn towards Kelly and plant a kiss.

‘Next time there will be plenty.’ I promised her.

‘When and where?’ she asks.

‘In my room. You tell me when. Just so you know, it’s going to be a long day.’

‘Why?’ she asks knowing the answer already.

‘For starter, I haven’t tasted you yet.’ With that, I step out of the tub, dizzy from the orgasm and long hour in the hot tub.

 

[driphoney]

Is English your native language?

It's a sincere question.

 

[enami741]

Is English your native language?

It's a sincere question.

Actually no. It's my first but not native. Lemme guess, the whole narrative should've been in past tense? Either that or I've mixed the tenses. Which one is it?

 

[driphoney]

Actually no. It's my first but not native. Lemme guess, the whole narrative should've been in past tense? Either that or I've mixed the tenses. Which one is it?

Grammar's not my strong point, but more instinctive than anything, and punctuation is the bane of my existence! You need a KillerMuffin-type to 'splain it to you. However, the intro isn't flowing. It's partly the tense changes. Past is always good, and is usual. Why don't you try getting it all into past?

I met her at a pool party. Her name was Kelly, I found out she was Columbian and on her way to becoming a fine nurse. My friend, Nicole, who invited me notified me that Kelly was taken. Imagine my disappointment. Everyone else there had a significant other except for Kelly and me, except that Kelly was not single. I recently had gotten out of a three year relationship. I was in no rush to get back into a relationship though, I just needed someone to satisfy my appetite.

I did not fix your paragraph. I just wanted to show you the tense issues as I see them. Now you can do the rest. Some of your sentences are a little clunky--they almost rival some of my own!

There are other things, but sometimes baby-steps are good. One thing though about the story that trips me up and that's the name Kelly for a Columbian. I know that Latin Americans having Anglo (or Irish!) names is more common than realized, but you're building a character, a mental picture for the reader. Unless you plan to explain her very un-Latin-like name to the reader, which could be really cool, you might want to consider changing it. Just my opinion.

Are you hoping to add dialogue? Is there a reason you left it out of your first attempt?

I hope this helps a little.

 

[enami741]

Thank you so much. Actually, the setting of the story is real and yes, her name is Kelly. The stuff at the hot tub unfortunately did not happen. That is the fantasy there. I will make changes as much as possible and repost it here. As for the dialogue, I prefer to avoid it in general but given that it's my first try, I decided not to put much there.

 

[enami741]

With the tense fixed (i hope)

I met her at a pool party. Her name was Kelly, I found out she was Columbian and on her way to become a fine nurse. My friend Nicole who invited me notified me that she was taken. Imagine my disappointment. Everyone else there had a significant other except for Kelly and me, except that Kelly was not single. I recently had gotten out of a three year relationship. I was in no rush to get back into a relationship though, I just needed someone to satisfy my appetite.

I jumped into the pool, swam a couple of laps and from time to time looked at Kelly. There she was, her slender body donned in a cute pink bikini. The body was petite but delicious. She had a beautiful face, curly black hair, tanned skin. Her ass begged me to grab them. Her breasts were lower B but what did I care? I was more interested in the full package and it was delish!
The afternoon was spent by the poolside, eating pizza, chatting with the people around me. Kelly was busy with her phone. Something seemed to bother her and it involved her boyfriend. Well, good for me! When she was not upset, I managed to smile at her. She smiled back. The pina colada came and I offered her some. She asked my name again. So far so good. With the sunset came the cool air. We moved to the open air hot tub upstairs with our drinks. Six of us jumped in.

Kelly finished her pina colada. I added some more into her cup from mine. We all settled in and let the jet do the trick. It was nice and soothing. I moved close to Kelly and put one arm around her. I started chatting with this gorgeous nurse to be. I guess she got too much alcohol in her system. She started flirting. Underneath the bubble I brushed my hand against her thigh. It could’ve been an accident. I did it again. This time I placed my hand near her thigh, close enough to make contact but not enough to make it look intentional. She moved her leg towards me.

Above water we were just two people enjoying the hot tub and each other’s company. We smiled, looked into the other’s eyes. I could smell the rum in her breath. I was more fascinated by her face though. What I wouldn’t give to kiss her right now. Kelly’s boyfriend’s sister was too busy with her fiancé. She glanced at us a couple of times but I am not sure if she registered anything.
Under the surface, I moved my hand up her thigh. She bit her lips. I winked at her. I moved closer. She nodded a ‘no’ with a seductive smile, daring me to go more. I inched my hand upwards, up to the bikini bottom. She placed her hand on the swim trunk and slowly slipped it inside. Before I knew it, my throbbing cock was in her hand. I slowly put my hand through her panties and surprise, surprise, she’s shaved! I placed my thumb on her clit and worked my fingers through her parted labia, ready and willing.

It was dark. Everyone was too busy with their significant other but at least it was kosher. What Kelly and I were doing reeked of lie and deception but it was all exciting. For me, it was the first new pussy in 3 years and already I am looking ahead to exploring it deeper with my cock. I looked at Kelly, her eyes were closed. She was biting her lips with even more intensity. I was just looking at her, imagining her face when she would be lying in my bed, taking every inch of that hard cock that she was stroking. I bet she was thinking of the same thing. I badly wanted to taste her. I bet a girl like her tasted like crack water, sweet and addictive. I kept massaging her clit and fucking her with my fingers. She squeezed my cock, and with her free hand she grabbed my back. She buried her nails in my back. I know she was close. I continued to stroke her. I reached deep and there! Her g-spot at my reach! I continued massaging her clit and g-spot, all the while holding myself back. It was becoming difficult. I didn’t want to cum in a tub full of people but then again, I was wearing my swimming trunk.

Kelly, whispered in my ear, ‘I want to feel your cum on my hands. Cum with me.’

With that I let go. I give her the warmth of my cum, that she so desired. Even in a hot tub, she felt it. I know she did because a moment later I felt her pussy tighten around my finger. She scratched my back with violence. She wanted to scream but she couldn’t. It would have given us away. She shuddered a few times. I gently pulled out and rubbed her thigh. She released my cock, gingerly, she pulled out her hand and tried to inspect it in the dim light.

She whispered, ‘Too bad it got washed off.’

The others are about to step out. They were oblivious of what happened. As they were busy leaving the pool, I quickly turn towards Kelly and plant a kiss.

‘Next time there will be plenty.’ I promised her.

‘When and where?’ she asked.

‘In my room. You tell me when. Just so you know, it’s going to be a long day.’

‘Why?’ she asked knowing the answer already.

‘For starter, I haven’t tasted you yet.’ With that, I stepped out of the tub feeling dizzy from the orgasm and a long hour in the hot tub.

 

[Litbridge]

Much better. I'm with Driphoney. The suggested changes have made a difference. Tense is so very important. Writing in the present tense requires some skill but it can also be a very effective means of drawing the reader into the moment. Just keep it consistent. The general counsel for beginner writers is to stick to the past tense because it is what we are used to reading. I liked the story well enough for its erotica, but feel you could do more to develop the characters involved (this can be done quite well and quickly through dialogue to tell the reader a bit about who the players really are and how they think), and elaborate on the plot a bit to build some suspense leading up to the big event. I'm a virgin here, too, so understand my comments in that context. Obviously you are motivated to write. Let nothing stop you from doing that and let's see the next draft.

 

[Hotcappucino]

There are a few grammar issues remaining, but most have been cleaned up.

I would say the one thing that would improve the story the most would be for you to show us what happened rather than tell us what happened. The story is only giving us the very basic details of what happened, as if you and I were sitting in a bar and you were telling me about it. In a printed story, though, you want the reader to experience the events. What do the characters see, feel, think?

For example, the first paragraph could be expanded this way:

The shrill sound of my cell phone pulled me out from a deep sleep. Straining to open eyelids sealed shut by dried tears, I found myself lying on the couch, some black and white movie playing on the television. I pulled my phone free from my pocket. "Hello?" I mumbled. My mouth felt thick and stale, and I had a dull headache from last night's six pack.

"Hi, Enami," an excited voice squealed. "You're coming today, aren't you?"

I struggled to recognize the caller. "Oh, hi, Nicole. Yeah, I guess so." Nicole and I had been co-workers at AT&T. We stayed in touch after she had moved to Northwestern Electric five years ago, getting together once or twice a year.

"Oh, please come, Enami, I haven't seen you in such a long time."

"OK, I'll be there."

"Great! Are you bringing Janet?"

"Uh, no." I hesitated slightly. "We broke up."

"Oh, no, I'm so sorry. When did that happen?"

"Three days ago."

"Three days ago? Oh, my gosh. And you guys were together for so long. What was it, like two years?"

"Three."

"Oh, my gosh, was it three years? But still come, OK? You'll have fun."

I had my doubts, but I promised again, "OK, I'll be there. What time does it start?"

"Noon, but come anytime."

"OK."

I disconnected from the call, looking at the time on my phone. 9 AM. I fell back alseep with the TV still on, hoping the pounding in my head would go away.

***

I arrived at Nicole's shortly after 2. Opening the front door, she greeted me with a warm smile and a sympathetic hug. "Oh, Enami, I am so glad you made it."

Nicole led me arm-in-arm through the air conditioned house to a lightly-covered backyard patio. It was a bright, sunny day, the air heavy with humidity. "I think you've met most of the people here before," she said.

I scanned the crowd, clustered together in groups of four or six, most of them obviously couples. "I think I recognize a few," I replied.

A large rectangular swimming pool took up most of the backyard. My eyes were drawn to the shallow end, where a young woman sat on one of the steps, basking in the sun, the lower half of her tanned body submerged below the clear, rippling water. She was speaking heatedly into a cell phone, her conversation drifting over to us. "What the fuck are you talking about? I told you three weeks ago."

"Who's that?" I indicated with a tilt of my head.

"That's Kelly. She's doing her nursing rotation at the same hospital where Tom works." Nicole's husband, Tom, was a radiologist at St. Mary's.

"Looks like she's pissed off about something."

"Yeah, well, her boyfriend was supposed to come with her, but I think they got into a fight."


Instead of telling the reader I had just broken up with my girlfriend and the effects it had on me, I dramatized it using the phone conversation with Nicole and falling asleep drunk on the living room couch. Instead of telling the reader that the girl's name was Kelly and that she was studying to be a nurse, the reader discovers it as the main character discovers it. It's the difference between being told about what happens in a movie and actually seeing the movie, except you have to add other senses besides the visual, like taste, smell, touch, and what the characters are thinking and describe what they're feeling (Kelly's anger, for example, by the way she's talking on her cell phone).

Are the events real? No, I obviously don't know what actually happened, I just thought this up as an example. But do you have to portray the events as they actually happened? That depends on who you're writing the story for. Are you writing the story for yourself as a way of remembering things just the way they happened, or are you writing for an audience, other readers? If you're going to put the story out there for other readers, you can use the actual events as an inspiration, but you'll probably have to take some artistic license in order to explain some things which might not be easily or succinctly said, or in order to add drama to the story.

Yes, it's a lot more work. For erotica writers, the tempation is to focus on the sex scene and just put in some very brief lead-in descriptions and background. However, the story will resonate better with other readers if you take the time to develop the characters and fill out details.

 

[enami741]

Thank you all folks! I am currently on vacation in Florida. Once I get back I will work on it more. Once again, thank you.

 

[enami741]

There are a few grammar issues remaining, but most have been cleaned up.

I would say the one thing that would improve the story the most would be for you to show us what happened rather than tell us what happened. The story is only giving us the very basic details of what happened, as if you and I were sitting in a bar and you were telling me about it. In a printed story, though, you want the reader to experience the events. What do the characters see, feel, think?

Instead of telling the reader I had just broken up with my girlfriend and the effects it had on me, I dramatized it using the phone conversation with Nicole and falling asleep drunk on the living room couch. Instead of telling the reader that the girl's name was Kelly and that she was studying to be a nurse, the reader discovers it as the main character discovers it. It's the difference between being told about what happens in a movie and actually seeing the movie, except you have to add other senses besides the visual, like taste, smell, touch, and what the characters are thinking and describe what they're feeling (Kelly's anger, for example, by the way she's talking on her cell phone).

Are the events real? No, I obviously don't know what actually happened, I just thought this up as an example. But do you have to portray the events as they actually happened? That depends on who you're writing the story for. Are you writing the story for yourself as a way of remembering things just the way they happened, or are you writing for an audience, other readers? If you're going to put the story out there for other readers, you can use the actual events as an inspiration, but you'll probably have to take some artistic license in order to explain some things which might not be easily or succinctly said, or in order to add drama to the story.

Yes, it's a lot more work. For erotica writers, the tempation is to focus on the sex scene and just put in some very brief lead-in descriptions and background. However, the story will resonate better with other readers if you take the time to develop the characters and fill out details.

Yes, the events as told in my version is real. The sex scene and the events following were all fantasies. I was trying to put in as much real life information as possible. For ex. I don't work for AT&T; Nicole is not married; etc etc. I guess what you are saying is that I should take the real life event and use that as my base. As for the details, I am free to do whatever I please (within reasonable limits). Thank you for that excerpt that you put in there. If it is ok with you, I would like to use that (or some variation of it) in future revision of the story. Of course, I am not taking credit for the whole thing.