First time posting a story.

Kurcher

Virgin
Joined
Mar 11, 2007
Posts
2
quietly I watch you from a ways off, laying out in the lush meadow.
Your arms folded behind your head, and one long toned leg folded over the
other. Your wearing a short blue skirt that comes just barely above your knees and a plain white tube top that nice exposes your mid drift. Not wanting to keep you waiting on me any longer, i slowly make my way over to you. As quiet as i can i seat myself next you you, shifting to my side i lay down to rest my head in my hand keeping myself propped up on my elbow. Facing you i lightly place the palm of my hand hand on your flat stomach noticing how well toned it has become since the last time i saw you. I hear you sigh softly at my tender greeting, your hand falling over mine as you sit up slightly to press your lips against mine kissing me briefly before you fall back down. As you close your eyes, your fingers lightly stroking the back of my hand you tell me of how much you have missed me. As i listen to all the things you have to tell me my arm (the one my head is resting on) slide up so I can lay my head down upon my bicep. I notice your face flush slightly as you talk with my warm breath lightly playing across the smooth skin of your neck. Leaning into you I lightly whisper into your ear telling you how gorgeous you look, how seeing you dressed like this is causing my cock to bulge against my restricting pants. As i whisper softly into your ear of my arousal my hand slowly moves down with your own, teasingly letting my fingers dance lightly upon the sensitive skin of your thighs. His fingers wasting no time slide up towards your pussy, his hand pausing for a moment surprised by the fact your not wearing any panties. Two of his fingers glide up and down your moist slit, feeling the heat of your pussy as he whispers into your ear.

You naughty little girl... been thinking about riding my cock again haven't you? You just couldn't wait to have my hot throbbing cock buried deep inside of your shaved pussy could you?

I can see your face flush slightly at my words, your pussy wetting just a little more as you think about my words, about my thick cock throbbing deep inside your wet pussy. I can hear you moan softly as my fingers part your pussies lips wide, using his middle finger to caress the length of your pussy. You can feel his fingers gently pulling at your clit caressing you sensitive button, as he plays with your swollen clit he kisses softly long your neck while listening to you soft moans. I can feel your ass wiggling against my swollen member, your ass sliding up and down my cock. As you grind back into me fast and faster you can feel me press back into you grinding my cock against your ass through my pants. I watch you intently as you lose yourself in thoughts of having my cock in you once again, your hand gliding up across your flat stomach, pulling your top up over your breasts. You can hear my breath catch as my eye linger on your breast. The longer his eyes linger on the soft supple flesh of your breasts the more you can feel his cock throbbing against your ass, trying to reach its full size but finding itself to confined in his pants. My eyes watch intently as you hands cup your breast, pressing gently into them as you caress your twin firm mounds of soft supple flesh. You can feel his fingers tugging gently on your clit, rubbing it, caressing it, rolling it between his fingers. You turn your head slamming you lips to his, you tongue forcing its way past his soft lips invading his mouth, your tongue gliding over and around his sliding your tongue as far as you can into his mouth. His own tongue meets your caress to dance around yours. I can feel your body quivering ever so slightly against me as you lips part from mine, gazing into your eyes i can see your desire and passion for me blazing in the depths of your eyes. Your lips part slightly letting your tongue run out along your lower lip, licking away my saliva. You growl at me lustfully.

Enough of this games my dear... i need your hard cock in me now! I can't wait another second... fuck me baby... fuck my greedy wet pussy! My cunt is dripping wet for your cock baby... hurry... hurry and fuck me...

Having been lost in your kiss i failed to notice just how wet you have become as i release your clit to run my fingers back down your pussy, your warm sticky juices quickly drenching my fingers with your honey. Forcefully i turn you over so your breasts are rubbing into the soft lush grass, you eye never leaving me watch as i slowly lick and suck each of my fingers clean of your sweet necter. I lift your skirt up over your ass, exposing your supple rounded cheeks, watching you clench them shut in embarrassment only severing to arouse my desires even further. you can feel my warm hand caressing your supple cheeks, fondling each one, kneading my fingers against you in an intimate massage as my other hand quickly unbuttons and unzips my pants. Quickly i pull down both my boxers and pants letting nearly seven inches of hard throbbing cock jump out. You gaze lustfully at my manhood, watching it bob up and down as i position myself between your legs, seeing me move back a little instead of getting ready to sink my cock into your slippery hole confuses you slightly. I grab your hips bringing you up so your kneeling with your ass high in the air. A moan of delight can be heard coming from me seeing your pussy glistening with your juices, your cute little asshole looking as if its begging to be fucked hard. I kneel down myself letting you feel my warm breath dance across your pussy as i inhale the sent of your arousal. You can feel the tip of my tongue lightly run along your pussy lips lapping up your juices, you moan softly in response, pressing your pussy into my face. "mmmmmmm yeah baby, lick my pussy..." teasingly i run my tongue up higher towards your ass, my hands spreading your cheeks to give me full access to your puckered ass hole. You can feel my tongue running around it, lick and kissing the outer rim of your asshole. "ahhhh no... no baby... thats... not ri.... mmmm ohhhh" Your plees of resistance slowly giving way as my tongue circles the inner rim of your ass. I can hear you panting in frustration of not getting what you desire, i pull back slightly spitting on my fingers, wetting them in my saliva. Pressing the tips of two of my fingers against your ass, you can feel them slowly work their way in, half of each finger sinking into your tight ass in the first thrust. Your back arching as you let out a throaty cry as you try to bury your face in the grass to muffle your cries. As i thrust my fingers in and out of your ass slowly you can feel the head of my cock running up and down your pussy, parting your lips, coating the head of my throbbing cock in your cum, i press my pulsating tip against your clit letting you feel it how much its throbbing, at how much i need you as well. I run the head of my cock back to your pussies wet entrance, in one quick thrust i sink all of my hard thick cock into the warm depths of your cum soaked pussy. I groan loudly as i sink all of my manhood into you, the tight warmth of your slick pussy gripping my cock that quickly threatening to over whelm my senses. You cry out in with me, your hands pulling at the grass to your sides, your ass involuntarily thrusting back at my probing fingers causing to you to rise and fall on my cock as well.

"oh yes Kurcher baby fuck me, fuck my pussy hard... I'm so close.. i want to cum all over hot cock baby." As you say this i can feel your ass moving up and down ever more, sliding your cum soaked pussy up and down my cock as my fingers fuck your ass. I can feel the walls of your pussy gripping me tightly, feel them spasming and quivering around my cock. Slowly you can feel me cock moving in and out of your tight pussy, taking long deep thrusts into you. By the way your gripping my cock i can tell your on the verge of soaking my balls in your juices. Though i stay to my slow thrusts keeping you teetering on the edge. Every time i pull out just leaving the head of my cock in your pussy, my fingers slam into hot depths of your ass to slowly extract them self as my cock thrusts back into your drenched pussy at an agonizingly slow pace.

I smile wickedly hearing your whimpers of protest as i withdraw my fingers from your ass, placing my hands on your hips i slide them down along your sides slowly, my strong hands taking a firm hold on you once they are in line with your breasts, you can feel my cock thrusting into you a little harder but still going at the same slow pace. Gently as i thrust into your cunt i pull your upper body back towards me. You can feel my soft lips lightly kissing along your neck, nibbling affectionately between each kiss upon your tender flesh. My strong hand hands slide in towards your breasts, firmly taking your soft breasts into his hands, he takes each of your pebble hard nipples between his finger as his fingers kneed into your breasts, pinching your nipples gently between his fingers each time his hands kneed into you. Finally deciding to give you what you want, my thrusts come quicker, harder, slamming deeper into your pussy, thrusting straight up into the depths of your wet hole. The sound of your ass slapping against me as you push back into me pulling every inch of my cock inside your wet pussy echoes faintly around us. Your moans turning to cries of pleasure the harder i fuck your tight hole, each time i bury my cock inside of you you can hear you pussy making little sucking noises as it tries to pull me deeper inside of you. I can feel your body trembling against mine at your valiant effort of trying to hold back your orgasm. You can feel it building up more and more deep in the pit of your stomach with every thrust of his hard cock into your wet cunt. I whisper breathlessly into your ear "Cum for me baby... cum all over my cock... let me hear your cries.."

I feel your body tense up, your pussy gripping tightly around my cock. Your head falling back to rest on my shoulder, your arms slipping back around my neck, clinging tightly to me as you let yourself go. You cry out arching your back, thrusting your breasts out as your orgasm rips through you. "ahhhhh YES BABY... mmmmm Kurcher... I'm... CUMMING BABY..." I can feel your hot cum pouring over my cock flooding out of your pussy, your entire body convulsing against my as i continue to fuck your ever tightening hole and holding off from my own release. Feeling your entire body go slack i slowly pull my cock out of your wet pussy, gently turning you to face me. Placing a hand on each of your shoulders i stand slowly keeping you in place on your knees.

"Suck my hard cock baby, clean your cum off me... i want to cum down your throat"

he can feel you eagerly take the head of his cock into your mouth, you sucking softly softly on his bulbous tip, your tongue swirling around it licking your juices from him. Your lips then kissing softly down his shaft down to the base. I groan softly feeling your tongue tenderly licking my balls clean of your sweet honey. You lick back up his shaft slowly back up to the tip of his cock to plunge down on him taking his thick shaft deep into your throat, quickly bobbing up and down his throbbing cock, your tongue caressing the underside of his manhood. Your finger tips gently running along his sack while you deep hroat him. You can feel his cock starting to twitch and spasm in your mouth. Suddenly he pulls back, his hand grabbing his cock, his hand quickly pumping his cock. He lets out a long low groan as his body tenses, you can see him explode, the first thick creamy wad of his seed splashing across your cheek, the next along your lip and chin followed by a few more jets of his hot thick cum hitting your luscious breasts. He moans softly feeling your tongue licking the tip of his cock of the last bit of his hot. "mmm darling... your... amazing..." he seats himself down next to you softly kissing your neck as he whispers sweet tender words to you...

(thanks for taking the time to read this, was done by me a long time ago... any comments, opinions, and constructive criticizing are welcome. Working on a new one and would like to make it better.) ~Kurcher
 
At first glance, you really need to consolidate and chop up your paragraphs. More than five to seven lines in one block is difficult to read.

Regarding the content . . . There are some errors regarding grammar and spelling, which a good editor could fix . . . or perhaps a simple read-through. Then there is the switching of tenses and POV . . . it goes from 'I am" to 'He feels.' That is both distracting and grammatically wrong.

Your obvious aim is that of a stroke story; nothing wrong in that, of course. But to grab and keep the reader's attention, you may wish to delve a bit more into who the characters are. The story reads like a documentary; we barely get inside the heads of the characters, including that of the narrator.

Try using some expressed dialogue. Put us there with the characters. Othwerwise, this reads like little more than a Penthouse Forum letter.
 
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Congradulations. It is a rare occasion when a newbie writer on Lit, in a single post, is able to break just about every accepted rule in Fiction Writing, without even taking a breath. :rolleyes:

Let's start with the very first word : "quietly". Since this is, not only the first word in a sentence, but first word of the story, I think I would have CAPITALIZED it. Also, I believe it should end in a comma (,).

You are writing from first person POV and trying to show what you could have done in 3rd. The effect is a complecated (and unreadable) switch back and forth between 1st and 2nd person.

Most of your "story" comes in impossibly long paragraphs that are a jumble of mixed thoughts and run-on sentences.

The entire piece is devoid of dialogue, leaving your story and characters completly flat, wooden and uninteresting. Allowing your characters to speak for themselves adds dimension and life to them. The several times you do use "dialogue" you've done incorrectly by burying it in some long, dry paragraph and incorrectly punctuated.

I can understand why you had to post this in the Feedback Thread. If you had submitted it to Lit, it would have been rejected.
 
To Slyc_willie,

You are right about it being a stroke story, it was written some time ago for someone i met in one of the online games i play in. She already knew my character and about me, though i would like to hear some suggestions on how i could perhaps give you a deeper insight on my character for the next story. Probably a stupid question but could you please elaborate more on the expressed dialog so i can work on that as well?

So thank you Slyc_willie for taking the time to tactfully point out my failing points it is greatly appreciated. -snickers- Not writing in note pad would most likely help me a lot as well.

Sincerely,

Kurcher

P.S

If anyone else has anything else to add please do so i can make the next one more enjoyable and worth while for you all to read.
 
Kurcher said:
To Slyc_willie,

You are right about it being a stroke story, it was written some time ago for someone i met in one of the online games i play in. She already knew my character and about me, though i would like to hear some suggestions on how i could perhaps give you a deeper insight on my character for the next story. Probably a stupid question but could you please elaborate more on the expressed dialog so i can work on that as well?

So thank you Slyc_willie for taking the time to tactfully point out my failing points it is greatly appreciated. -snickers- Not writing in note pad would most likely help me a lot as well.

Sincerely,

Kurcher

P.S

If anyone else has anything else to add please do so i can make the next one more enjoyable and worth while for you all to read.

All right . . . .

Stay away from notepad. I'd suggest sticking to .doc format. ;)

When writing a story, first off, you need to write a STORY, not just a scenario. The best tales on this site are not just about sex; they describe the characters, make them believable, and include, at the least, a reason as to why things happen the way they do.

You and your online partner might know very well why the above scenario is transpiring; we do not. The idea of 'throwing the reader into the action' only works if you provide some sort of explanation, via hindsight or musing, afterward. Otherwise, we (as readers) feel like little more than detached voyeurs.

Regarding expressed dialogue: Have your character speak more. Put us in the moment with them. Make us share what they are feeling.

You write, "Cum for me, baby... cum all over my cock... let me hear your cries."

Maybe, somewhere, there is a man who would say this, but not many. The line sounds like that from a bad porn. Try something like this, instead:

"Come on, cum for me, baby," I urged her.

"Oh, God! Mmm, yeah . . . ."

"That's it, baby, cum for me, cum all over my cock!"

"Oh, baby! Yeah! Yeah! Oh, Yeah!"

Just a basic example. The idea is to write a story that reads like something that just may happen, rather than a documentary of a fantasy. Don't just tell us what happened; tell us as it happened.
 
Interested in perhaps doing some fly-by editing?
Whilst I do try to have a beginning middle and so on... a second pair of eyes is always good. Nothing worse than thinking you got all the typos and dropped adjoiners only to see two as you hit submit.......................
 
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