first time on Lit... i've got a story for you!

[user_whistler]

hey guys!

i've been a writer for several years now, but this is the first time i've actually written a story like this. its a bit on the long side at the moment, but i would really like to know what you think of it. tips, advice, suggestions, editing... its all welcome and appreciated. this really hasn't been edited too well, so sorry if there are some major errors... i just got a sudden selfconciousness attack, and i wanted to get some judgement on what i've already done before i finish it. i don't know why, but for some reason the spacing won't transfer... makes it a bit more difficult to read i'm afraid.

For me, this isn’t just a story… it’s a somewhat recent memory. Even though this friendship proved to be only temporary, I’ll always have this memory to fire my dreams at night. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did.


We were on the couch one Saturday night, enjoying each other’s company and watching a bit of TV. I was sitting upright in the middle of the sofa, while she was lying down. Her body was outstretched, legs draped over my lap, while the rest of her body was to my right. She was dressed for a Texas summer: Capri pants, a tank top, and flip flops. She truly was a beautiful woman… her delightfully cute face was framed by a mass of red, curly hair, which was fanned out atop the pillow supporting her head. Her body was curvatious, and perfectly proportioned to her frame. Though it sounds trite, she had the most gorgeous breasts I’d ever seen, though they were matched by an equally luscious backside.
I couldn’t help but stare at her as we sat there. Somehow, everything in the room came together to make her the most alluring and irresistible vision of womanhood I’d ever seen. The windows behind us let in the glow of the setting sun… soft rays of light washed over her body, casting subtle shadows that amplified figure. The red rays of sunlight softened the tone of her skin, masking any blemishes that may have been there. Her hair and clothing seemed to fall in just the right way, accentuating her features perfectly. In that moment, she was sexier than any of the provocatively posed or scantily clad woman I’d ever seen on a newsstand or TV screen… perhaps it was because she was right there with me.
One of my favorite features of hers were her legs. They were soft and subtle, simply a joy to touch. I had been idly stroking her exposed lower legs for a while as we watched TV, but I realized I might have gone too far. While I’d been admiring the view, my hand had wandered farther up, a bit past her knee. Her Capri pants were so thin and tight that I hadn’t even noticed they were there… I could still feel the heat emanating from her leg. We had only gone out a few times, and while I was confident she liked me, I didn’t know just how much she liked me, or if I had her permission to continue.
Instinctively, I tore my eyes from her legs and jerked my hand away. I was about to apologies to her, but then I saw her face. She wore a trace of a smile, and her brow seemed heavy, as if she were mildly sleepy. It wasn’t her expression that captivated me though… it was something in her eyes. While I’d never been particularly good a reading emotion, her seemed to express a desire... a need. Without saying a word she closed her eyes and smiled to herself, while a soft, satisfied sigh escaped her lips. Without saying a word she’d told me everything, and it felt like my heart was thrown into overdrive.
As my heart continued to swell, I slowly placed my right hand back on her right knee… I didn’t know why, but it seemed like both my hand and her leg had become much, much warmer. Slowly I moved my hand down her shin, letting my fingers wrap around her leg to the back of he calf. Once I reached her ankle I twisted my wrist, dragging my fingers along the top of her foot. Slowly and deliberately I dragged my hand back up her shin, my fingers being the only point of contact between us. I turned my head and watched her face as I moved… the farther up I went, the wider her smile became. Once I passed her knee I kept my fingers glued to her Capris… I didn’t even try to get under or around them. On her thigh I let me fingers spread to the outside of her leg… by when I reached her hip she let out a nearly inaudible gasp.
For a few minutes, that was all I did. I relished not only how her incredible legs felt, but also how she reacted to my touch. I couldn’t take my eyes off her face… watching her react to my touch was almost better than actually touching her. Almost.
“You know,” she said softly, her eyes still closed, “you have really nice hands.”
“Thank you.” I replied, my tone equally soft. It wasn’t the first time I’d been told so… my hands are abnormally large, even for my 6’4 frame, and most women seem to appreciate how much they can hold.
Once I started moving my hand up from her ankle once again, she stretched out her body and smiled. As my fingers brushed against her knee she let out another quiet sigh, and suddenly I felt bolder. I didn’t stop at her hips this time… instead I kept my hand moving upwards, onto her stomach. While I didn’t try to get my hand under her tank top, she still flinched. When she didn’t object to my action, I continued to move upwards. With the backs of my fingernails I raked my fingers upwards, slowly and deliberately moving my hand up the valley between her breasts. Her thin top yielded to my touch, confirming that she wasn’t wearing anything else (not surprising considering the heat). She inhaled slowly and audibly, and exhaled with a loud sigh once my fingertips were at the base of her neck.
It was, without a doubt, one of the sexiest things I’d ever heard.
For some time I simply explored her body with my fingertips. I deliberately avoided what I wanted to touch most, instead focusing on the exposed skin of her chest, shoulders, and neck. I traced my fingers from her chin, up her jaw, and gently into her hair… once I’d move my hand across where her neck and shoulders met, and she would shiver involuntarily.
After more than twenty minutes, I just couldn’t take it any more. I brought my fingertips down from her neck, slowly moving them towards her left breast. I took my time, making sure to feel every square inch of exposed flesh… her breasts where one of the softest things I’d ever felt. I rested my palm on the top of her breast, holding the entire thing in my hand. Her body was taught, back arched, and her mouth was slightly agape… once again she was letting out soft, low sighs of pleasure, and it was almost too much for me to bear.
I slipped my other hand under her tank top and felt her stomach. Her tummy was incredibly soft and smooth, and I liked feeling her abs work up and down with her rapid breaths. With my right hand I very gently squeezed her breast, savoring the feeling, then softly rubbed her nipple with my thumb. Her back arched up further, and my mouth simply began to water.
When I pulled my hands away, she frowned but kept her eyes closed. I put my right arm at my side and braced myself on my elbow… I was able to keep my legs in place and put my head next to hers. She smiled when I kissed her cheek, and she turned her head to face me. She looked at me with those incredible eyes, then gave me a very soft, tender kiss on the lips. My whole body tingled, and I felt like an ice cube melting under a blow-dryer.
“That can’t be comfortable,” She said gently, “why don’t you sit up?”
I was so drunk on hormones that I merely grinned and sat up, the way I’d been before, my back straight. She pulled her legs under her body and pushed herself up… she kept her eyes locked on mine as she sat up on her knees. Silently she swung her right leg over me, leaving us face to face with her sitting on my lap. With surprising gentleness she held my face and kissed me, ever so gently. I never thought such a soft kiss could feel so wonderful. Slowly our kiss became more passionate, and within minutes we were exploring each other’s mouths with our tongues.
While we continued to kiss, I ran my hands under her shirt and across her back. I held her body against mine, relishing the raw physical heat between us. I couldn’t help but move my hands down as well… her ass was incredible, and I just couldn’t keep myself from grabbing at it. I could feel her approval through her moans while we kissed, and by the way she would push her pelvis down on mine.
The only problem was the fact that I was wearing jeans. After a few minutes of having the most raging hard-on of my life being pinched by my own pants, I had to pause for a moment.
“I’m sorry,” I said, with an embarrassed laugh while looking down, “I just can’t help it. Now my pants are pinching it big-time… sorry…”
She laughed and flashed me a gorgeous smile. For a moment, all my embracement was gone… until she scooted back towards my knees and reached for my pants. With a quiet, mischievous laugh she undid my belt, button, and zipper, freeing my erect member from its denim prison. She flashed me a grin, then moved her hips back to their original position. Her Capri pants were thinner than I had thought… I could feel the blast furnace between her legs through three layers of cloth. It felt incredibly good, and I simply gave in to the feeling, letting the warmth sweep though my entire body.
“Well, what do we have here?” she asked jokingly while grinding her hips against mine. She pulled my t-shirt off in one quick motion, then tossed it back over her shoulder.
I couldn’t help but groan as I answered. “You think you can handle it?” I asked quite seriously. My ex and I didn’t have sex very often because my girth hurt her, and that was the last thing I wanted to worry about at the moment.
“We’ll just have to find out, won’t we? Now, just lean back baby.” she replied in a slow and sultry tone. An enormous grin spread over my face as i grabbed the bottom of her tank top, then began to pull it off of her.
“Ah, that’s better…” I said, marveling at her bare chest while I leaned back into the couch. “Now we’re on the same page.”
I felt like my body was on the verge of sensory overload. I could simultaneously feel her amazingly hot pussy against my cock, her unbelievably soft tits against my chest, and her incredibly nimble tongue and lips on my left ear. My hands were free to roam… my left ended up on her fine ass while I brought my right just under her stomach. I enjoyed feeling her flinch and shake as I teased around her hidden pussy with my fingers, occasionally pressing my throbbing cock against her mound for added effect.
After several minutes of ecstasy, I felt her begin to tremble more at more. When she began to pull away from me I was ready to protest… after all, I didn’t want her to stop. But then I saw what she was doing. She slid off my lap backwards, and was kneeling down in front of me.
I felt like I was about to have a heart attack.
The feeling must have been evident on my face. With a devilish grin she grabbed my jeans and ordered me to lift my body up. I watched as she pulled my pants all the way off… when my cock sprung free from my boxers she had an almost predatory glint in her eye. He touch belied her expression, however. She tenderly grabbed hold of my member and stroked it a few times. All I could do was lean back and sigh… I was no longer in full command of my faculties.
She leaned forward slowly, inching her way towards my rock-hard cock. I looked back down just in time to see the head of my dick enter her mouth. Her mouth was so incredibly hot, soft, and wet… when she slid her tongue down the underside of my cock, I thought I was going to loose it. Even if it hadn’t been a while since my last ‘intimate encounter’, she obviously had some kind of technique that none of the women I’d met on campus possessed.
“ohhhhh… oh god,” and assorted gibberish was all I could say for several minutes. I was totally under her control as I sat there, watching her head bob slowly back and forth, feeling her tongue swirl around my pulsating cock. I almost lost my breath when she took in my entire length… I could feel the tip of my cock touch the back of her throat. That’s when she began to alternate between sucking on my entire cock like a giant Lifesaver and running her tongue all over the head and shaft… that’s when I knew she was taking me past the point of no return.
“oh my god baby, I’m about to cum!” I hissed, trying to avoid yelling at the top of my lungs. She grabbed my cock with one hand and began pumping it furiously, all while bobbing her head back and forth. It was just too much. While I tried to catch my breath she look up at me, smiling with my cock still in her mouth.
After excusing herself to ‘freshen up’ in the bathroom, she came back to the couch and resumed her position startling me. “So, how was that?”
I looked at her and simply grinned. Though my mind (and boner) were beginning to return, I was still enjoying the afterglow. “Phenomenal… let me show you.”
I wrapped my arms around her waist and turned to my right, guiding her down and on her back. She giggled as I laid her down on the couch, and again when I was unable to take my eyes off her body. With a smile I laid on top of her, my weight braced on her elbows, and kissed her deeply. It was as if she was inside my head… she seemed to know exactly how to kiss me, exactly what I what I would like. As we made out she wrapped her legs around my waist, and without conscious thought I let out a low moan. She pulled my body down on hers, and once again I could feel the heat of her pussy pressing against my dick… it was exquisite.
I decided to go on the offensive. I took her lower lip between mine and sucked on it ever so gently. I kept her lip between mine as I moved, gently pulling on her lip for just a moment before I released it. She tried to follow my lips with her, but a whispered ‘no’ kept her in place. “It’s your turn to relax.” I said, just before I kissed her chin.
She giggled softly as I planted kisses along her jaw line, moving towards her neck. She gasped once I reached it… I opened my mouth a bit and kissed the side of her neck, almost as a vampire would, but without the bite. Her legs tightened around me, and I could feel her hands moving towards the sides of my head. I continued to kiss her neck tenderly, and once she began to run her hands through my hair (one of my favorite things in the entire world, just before having a gorgeous woman’s legs wrapped around me) I dragged my tongue up and along her carotid artery. I loved hearing her gasp at my touch.
The further down her neck I got, the more ragged her breathing became. I took my time, inching down her body. Though I was sad to pull my hips away from hers, I tried to make it up to her. I planted kisses all along her collar bone, and tasted the wonderfully soft flesh of her shoulder. As I moved down, she began to shiver, almost uncontrollably. I shifted my body weight back onto my knees to free up my hands… I was still amazed by how her breasts felt in my hands. As I began to explore her chest with my mouth, her hands stopped moving in my hair. I was actually glad though… I didn’t want her to split her attention on me, at the moment at least. I knew that while her hands were idle she was totally lost in my touch, and my heart swelled with an inexplicable pride.
I had noticed some other changes in her body as well. She had goosebumps all over, her nipples were rock hard, and her breathing had become much deeper and more urgent. Without warning I took her nipple into my mouth, and I was rewarded with a gasp of delight. We continued that way for some time… I felt like I could stay happy in her bosom forever, but I decided to move on with my plan.
Slowly I kissed my way down her soft but flat stomach, hooking my fingers under the waist of her Capris. As I started to pull them off I looked up at her… her head was leaned back and her eyes were closed, but there was a soft smile on her lips. We both let out another gasp once I exposed her mound… she was very wet, and her moist lips shined in the last sliver of light coming in the window.
My pulse was positively racing as threw her pants and panties off to the side. I leaned back over her body, my elbows below and outside her hips. As I moved back into position, she ran her hands back though my hair and held the sides of my head. I gently placed my lips on her belly button, and began to creep slowly downwards… however, her patience seemed to have run out. Her hands gently pushed my head downward, and I figured there was no more use delaying what we both wanted.
The instant my lips touched her pussy, her body jerked like it had been hit by an electric current. A low moan escaped her lips, and I couldn’t help but smile to myself. The fingers in my hair tightened as I ran my tongue down between her lips… I relished not only her sounds and reactions, but also how she tasted. It was if her body concocted some sort of love potion… all I could think about was tasting more.
At first I alternated between kissing and using my tongue, in an attempt to build her up. She began to incoherently moan as I flicked my tongue over her opening, but her words became more clear when I thrust my tongue into her depths.
“Oh my god!” she shrieked, her body trembling. After a few quick flicks of the tongue I flattened it against her slit. I pushed in and upward, dragging my tongue from the bottom of her pussy to the top… her hands were clutching my hair and pulling my face towards her, and it felt wonderful.
As I pushed my tongue inside her and traced out several circles, her hips began to rise up off the couch. Her hands were still clutching the back of my head, and she was just repeating “Oh god, oh god…” over and over again… I knew she was getting close. I began licking upwards to find her clit… I knew I’d found it when she screamed aloud and her hips bucked.
I circled that sensitive nub of flesh with my tongue, occasionally flicking over it as well. She became more vocal, and I could feel her theighs squeezing my head. I’d never been one to associate pain with pleasure, but her grip on my hair was hot as hell, and even though it should have it didn’t hurt in the slightest. When her orgasm hit she threw my head back and locked her legs together… her entire body was shaking, and she was moaning and panting incoherently. I just sat back and watched, almost as turned on as she was.
I gave her a few moments to collect herself, but was surprised when she practically jumped me. Luckily, my head landed on a pillow rather than the other arm of the couch… her surprise attack reversed our positions; I was lying on my back, and she was on top of me.
“That…” she said, in a tone that was far deeper and more sultry that I would have thought possible, “that was… incredible.” She was still breathing heavily, and she had an almost feral look in here eyes… I was sure I was returning that same look too.
She leaned down and kissed me forcefully, pushing her tongue into my mouth the way I had just put mine inside of her. She also dropped her hips down, sliding her drenched pussy up my theigh and towards my rock hard irrection. When the lips of her pussy came down on my shaft, I thought I was going to cum right then and there… she was hot enough to melt wax, and her loins were absolutely the softest, smoothest thing I had ever, ever felt. I gasped instinctively, and she broke our kiss. She slid her entire body forward, dragging those magnificent breasts and burning pussy across my chest so she could reach my left ear.
“Don’t be so surprised,” she whispered, intentionally breathing in my ear, “it’s your fault that I’m like this.” Without another word she began to lick in and around my ear… with all the incredible sensations being heaped apon me, all I could do was sigh loudly. I wrapped my arms around her, and brought my hands down on her amazing ass. With my right hand I reached down further, until my finger found her slick slit. She moaned gently in my ear.
“I’ve never been this wet before,” she cooed softly, as her right hand came up to caress the right side of my face. “I want to feel you inside me.” I didn’t know what to say, so I just let a love-drunk moan escape my lips.
Without another word...

i've always been very detail-oriented, both in my writing and in my speach, and i'm afraid it may be coming through a bit too much here. i know this kind of thing is supposed to keep a certian speed and tempo... is it just too wordy?

please let me know what you think, and thanks for reading!

 

[Guest]

I didn't read it yet; the "wall of text" is too intimidating, as tired as I am. I suggest you edit your post and reinstate your paragraphing. You'll almost certainly get more responses.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

You need to break it up so there's space between the paragraphs or it's just about unreadable on a computer screen. At a glace, however, you seem to use ellipses innapropriately and a bit too frequently.

 

[starrkers]

I started to read it despite the daunting wall of text. I didn't get past the first paragraph, it reads like a laundry list of features rather than a description, and there's too much of it in one lump.
It's all "telling" rather than "showing" as well. Instead of saying she has great breasts and a luscious arse, describe their appearance - it's more interesting to read.

 

[CWatson]

First off, I just discovered something really cool: a text program called NoteTab Light which allows you to add and remove carriage returns (IE the newline command given when you hit the Enter button). That might help you get your spacing back together.

As to the story itself, you've got a good start. You are indeed very detail-oriented, and the story is vivid and alive. The problem is that two bodies slamming together are just that--two bodies. Unless The Reader feels an emotional connection to the characters, they're about as entertaining as mannequins. So we need to be interested in the narrator and/or his female partner--we need to be interested in one or both of them as a person--before we're interested in watching them bump uglies.

From a mechanical standpoint, there are indeed a few too many ellipses, and some misspellings as well ("embarrassment" vs "embracement" comes to mind). Also, I found it curious that your description of the narrator's orgasm was so brief--well, nonexistent, actually--but I guess that's an artistic decision.

This is a good start. I hope you continue. But remember that all the things we work with as writers--action, suspense, romance, sex, spaceships, magic wands--are just props. If there isn't a real, beating human heart behind them, the props themselves mean nothing. Why do we care about your characters as human beings? Why are we rooting for them to have great sex? What are we going to take away from your story? Once you've answered those questions, you've taken your first steps towards being a REALLY good writer.