First time *embarrasing* problem--HELP!

[Skippopotamous]

OK, had a problem night before last, looking for any help.

Well, first, some background. I am a 23 Y/o guy. I'm in pretty good shape, 6'1", 160 lbs, don't smoke or drink(much), and don't get out much. I have a female friend about 10 years older than me, about 5'2", and thick-but-not-fat, in good shape, really large breasted, no waist, but no belly either, nice butt, and thick thighs. Anyway, I have known her for about seven years. I worked with her for the first three,(retail store stockers) then I changed careers(electrician), but we have kept in touch. I met her when she was maried and pregnant with her first child (of two). Anyway, she divorced her husband about 6 months ago, and hadn't really gotten back into dating. I don't get out much, either, but got on to her in a teasing way about her not getting out (she knows I don't get out much). Well, two weeks ago, ex had the kids, and I teased her about staying home all weekend ("what's a hot young single lady doing staying at home for?", etc., and no, I wasn't going out, either). She called me on it and said we should go see a movie, maybe get dinner together. "It's not like it has to be a date or anything," she said, and I agreed. Before I go any farther, I should say that I never thought about her in a sexual way before, nor had we ever discussed anything sex-related before. Anyway, I was going to go pick her up at her house for our not-a-date, but I got hung up doing something else, so she just met me at the theater. Well, after the movie I walked her to her van, and we stood there talking, and then we started making out like two teenagers, me leaning her up against her van, and after a few minutes of this, she invites me to come home with her, and I turned her down. I told her this was a big deal for me, because I am a virgin (and I mean complete virgin, only kissed a few girls, and never did any "not really" stuff like handjobs, oral, etc.), but I also said her I wasn't saying "no, not ever" just "no, not right now". She said it was kind of a big deal to her, too, because she was her ex's first and only, and he was her first and only. Well, a few days after that, I went to the store where she works and told her if the invitation was still open, I wanted to come by the weekend after next when ex had the kids. She agreed, and we set the date for Friday night, the only time she had off this weekend (as it turns out, I had to turn down ten hours of overtime, which I never do, but that's really beside the point). That was also when I asked her about her preferred form of protection. She said she didn't like condoms, and since she couldn't get pregnant (she had had her uterus removed due to fibroids), and furthermore, since she had had only one partner and no STD's and since I had had NO partners and no STD's (the two do go hand-in-hand), there was nothing to protect against, and so no need for protection.

In preparation, I did some research. I read a LOT of sex advice about how to please a woman, both here and on other sites and in print. The stuff I payed attention to most was by female writers. I knew I wouldn't be any good at what I was doing, but even if it wasn't especially good for her, I didn't want it to be bad. Of course, I knew there wouldn't be any problem for me, because we all know it's always good for the guy, every time, no matter what. Remember, I had two long weeks to research, anticipate, and worry. Mostly worry, due to me being an overthinker/overanylizer.

Well the big night was finally here. I trimmed and buffed down my nails so as not to scratch, made sure my face was smooth as glass, and took a shower. Didn't put on deoderant before I got dressed because I had heard it tastes bad, and didn't know if she liked to lick/kiss a guy all over(before you say anything, BO was not an issue). Didn't put on colonge for the same reason. Put on clean clothes, so as not to have any bad smell. I don't smoke, and neither does she. Of course brushed my teeth so my mouth would taste good.

Anyway, I get there, we sit on the couch, her snuggled up to me, talking about everything but sex, both of us working up the nerve. Finally, she gets up, turns off the TV, and says, if we don't get started now, we never will. We both go in her bedroom where there is a candle burning. I take off my shoes and lay on the bed next to her and we start kissing. Well, I don't need to describe the whole process from there, until we get to my pants coming off. She was already naked by this time, and she said I had already gotten her off by rubbing her just inside her opening. Anyway, I take my pants off, and she starts yanking on me. And I get halfway hard.

And then, I don't get any harder. So you see my problem.

Finally, she laid my half-hardness on my abs, got on top of me and basically rubbed it with her vulva until I came. I said I was sorry, because the whole reason I was there was to give her some relief from her pent-up tension. She said it was OK, that she had gotten hers, and even wanted me to keep fingering her, which I did, until she came again. We sat up naked and talked awhile, and then started kissing her and rubbed the spot right inside her opening until she got another one. Still no stirrings between my legs, even though we both tried one last time.

I can't exactly say I've never had that problem before, but it's always been when I had masturbated several times in a row(never the first time), and anyway, I had kept my hands off of it for about a week (except to wash it, of course). I always figured the problem would be finishing too soon, not, not being able to get started. It didn't hurt when she started yanking on me. I am fairly physically fit, even a little on the skinny side, so I don't think it's a physical problem. There was no alcohol involved, so that wasn't why I couldn't get it up. I find Amanda (that's her name) attractive, and even thought about having sex with her after she made her offer. Got hard thinking about having sex with her. I wasn't dissapointed or turned off when I saw her naked. I like her, and want to have sex with her. I stayed a virgin, not saving myself for true love or any of that crap, but just because the time or the girl was never right. Before you ask, yes, I did have other offers. And no, it's not a sign I might be gay, I'm attracted only to women, never to men. For her part Amanda seemed to feel bad about the whole thing, and said she wanted to try again weekend after next, when ex has the kids again.

I guess my questions are,

1. Aside from the obvious, WHAT THE FUCK WENT WRONG??????

2. Am I normal?

3. What can I do about it? Should I just relax?​

Anyway, thanks for reading through all my rambling. Any advice from guys or girls would be appreciated.

 

[human_male]

It's probably more common than you'd think, but nobody ever admits it. I went to a doctor with the same problem and she said if you don't have a problem when you're by yourself and if you get morning wood it's probably not physical. If that's the case with you maybe it's just because she's not the right one, or all that worrying and anxiety you put yourself through building up to it. That's what most people would say and I tend to think that's a bit simplistic but who knows.

What I'd do is just go to the doctor, make sure there's nothing physically wrong and ask for some chemical assistance. Even if you don't use it you might feel better just knowing it's there if you need it.

And it's not the end of the world if you can't get it up. Concentrate on oral. I hear they like that.

I wish you well.

 

[rthnck]

Erections are half physical and half mental. Your post seems to indicate that it's not a physical problem so that leaves a pesky mind over matter problem. Pressure to perform is almost a certain deal breaker and you have indicated that you're at least moderately turned on by your partner so you need to relax and let the night take you wherever it goes. Concentrate on making your partner happy and she will do the same for you and it will all work out. Enjoy the journey.

 

[Cathleen]

Welcome to Lit., Skippo.

I was feeling performance anxiety just reading about your experience. I would have been a basket case by the time Friday rolled around.

I wouldn't rule out what Human Male said about a check up but if all was working before those two long weeks of waiting you might just see how things go next time.

When you were making out after the movie did you become fully hard (assuming it'd be a natural reaction)?

If possible during the next few weeks maybe the two of you could talk on the phone a few times -- talk about sexual things, have phone sex if you both want. I'm thinking you might become more relaxed with her in a less performance driven environment. Could you meet during the week for a quick lunch, or coffee?

Also, I would have similar feelings as Amanda, that I wasn't sexually satisfying. It seems the two of you attempted a bit of communication about the issues that is extremely important. Keep doing it!

 

[Carnevil9]

I remember my very first time, and the situation was similar to yours. I was very nervous about the whole thing, and couldn't perform very well. We agreed to try it again a week later. That time, I was much more relaxed, the ice had all been broken, and everything worked like a charm.

So, I'd say, you are perfectly normal. Calm down, take a deep breath, and get right back on that horse! Sorry, just a figure of speech, no offense intended to your lovely lady, who sounds mighty special indeed!......Carney

 

[SoleDesire]

Ohhh, I just want to hug you right now...

You seem like such a nice guy. You could give lessons to millions of men.

You're perfectly normal. But goodness that was a lot of pressure and thinking ahead of time. Bless your heart, you clutched, and that's not at all surprising.

Look, porn and stories (including the ones you find here) give people a false impression of sex as this beautifully choreographed activity. It's a biological process. It's messy and imperfect and often awkward. Take this from a woman who has been known to fall off the bed and dissolve into giggles at inopportune times but has never, ever had any complaints about her performance when all was said and done.

You said no alcohol was involved. If there was ever a situation that called for a bottle of wine, this one is it. I'd tell your friend exactly what you told us -- that you really wanted to be with her, that she turned you on, that you'd done everything you could to figure out how to do it right and you were probably overthinking things. And then lie down with her. Make out, for a long time. Touch her -- find out what you like, what she likes. You don't need to have sex this second. Focus on feeling good and making her feel good. Don't worry about what you read. Pretend she's a science experiment -- learn her body and her preferences. You sound like you've made a good start there, since you made her cum three times.

One thing that interested me, you said she yanked on you until you got halfway hard. For lots of guys, that's not sufficient. How do you LIKE to be touched? Communicate this to her. Put your hands over hers and show her if necessary. Even though you're the virgin, she's not much more and she's been through a rough marriage. So you're going to have to reassure her that all men are different and you can learn together.

The more the two of you can relax, the better it's going to be. When you're ready for sex, you'll have it and it will be great.

 

[Noor]

I don't know if this was in the back of your mind but it certain was when I read this. You maybe stds free, and she may have only had her ex as a partner, but that doesn't mean her ex had only her esp if it was a rough marriage. Supposedly 60% of married men cheat on their wives...

Neither of you sound particularly passionate in this encounter or that knowledgable about about each other's bodies. It just sounds like you guys were rushing things a bit. maybe you could slow down and explore more?

 

[DeeZire]

The third time's a charm, or in many cases, the second time.

Elvis used to keep his underpants on till the moment of truth. If it worked for him...

If you eat her pussy, and you're on your stomach, the pressure of your dick against the mattress could get it hard. It that happens, stick it in immediately. She won't mind. If you catch it on the way up, it's more likely to stay that way. If you wait too long, you could be disappointed.

Question: Did you smell your finger afterwards? That's the best part.

She sounds like a very responsive gal. You are one lucky fellow.

 

[intruder52]

Been there

Yo, it takes time to build a good sex relationship with anyone, at least most of the time. When I was your age I sometimes had the same issues. Now it is more of I can't get off with someone new until I know them a bit more. If you enjoy her company the sex with get better for you and her. Relax, have fun.

 

[subwannabe]

relax. you are analyzing this to death and that is what is effecting your performance. don't think so much, just enjoy it.

 

[SubNebGuy]

You psyched yourself out before the date even started. That's the reason not all men are cut out to be porn stars...you have to get hard and stay hard, and cum on cue. That's a special set of talents.

stop over analyzing this. sex should be fun, and you turned it into a scientific process. don't.

 

[Tyr51]

You know, if I had ever done a "tonight is the night!" thing, I probably never would have had sex. If you two are in a relationship, or looking to persue one, then it will eventually happen. For me, it was a process of things just going one step further each time until, well, finally it seemed like a natural conclusion and worth doing. I think it is unrealistic to go from virgin-only-kissed-a-few-girls to intercourse. I'd say you made a significant leap the other night; and if she knows you're a virgin then I expect that she meant what she said and she's a-okay with it.

Just a word of caution, though.

Please keep the little rubber thing on your dick. I don't care if she says she's clean, or if you think you're clean. I don't care if she can't get pregnant.

You say she's recently divorced. What if her husband cheated on her and gave her an STD which is a-symptomatic at this point in time? It happens. In fact, it happened to my sister. Knowing your own partners is absolutely no guarentee against STDs. Last time I checked the statistics, they said that 3 out of 4 American adults will have had (or have) an STD in their lifetime. Those are really REALLY crappy odds for you if you're going condom free.

I have seen too many friends die of HIV, I have known too many people who have had to live with other STDs that cannot be cured with antibiotics. Sure! Sex without a condom is great. Sex with a condom is still great, though.

I'm glad you can't get her pregnant. That's great.
But you must protect yourself first and foremost. And until you two are in a monogomous and committed relationship where you have both been tested for STDs and have shared those results with eachother?
Be careful, ok?

*gets off her soap box*

 

[SoleDesire]

Just one thing...

In exchange for all this advice, you have to report back!

Hell, I'm more excited about this than I was about losing my own virginity...

You know, I just realized, there is an amazing description of a similar situation in a book called Outlander, by Diana Gabaldon. You can get it at any bookseller, and you don't have to read the whole thing, just leaf through until you find the part where Claire marries Jamie...

 

[Chicklet]

firstly, std's do not ALWAYS go exclusively hand in hand with sex.

Secondly, you got a chick off YOUR FIRST TIME? *whistles* well done, matey. You don't have *anything* to worry about.

 

[Cynical99]

Dude..

don't worry, to tell you the truth my first time I didn't actually get up either..
if you notice it happening again, simple play with her more, slip down on her and try oral, hey you got her off your first time with fingers!

my first time, she didn't notice I didn't get it up, simply cause I spent all my time on her..she liked it, and 100% clueless at my nerviousness..
and I'm willing to bet it's more a stress/nervous issue more then anything it'll pass, great advice written above man re-read it!

 

[Skippopotamous]

First off, to everybody who replied here and by PM, thanks for the understanding, support and advice.

Let's see... relax and try not to think... why not ask me to do something easy, like bench press a locomotive? But seriously, I do need turn my brain off every once in a while. I never thought of myself as a worrier, but I am an overthinker, and I suppose it comes to the same.

OK, OK, Noor, Tyr, and others. Helmet stays on until we both get a clean bill of health.

As far as getting her off, she said it, not me. And when I talked to her yesterday (Mon.), she said it was really easy for her to get off, anyway. For my part, I think I really may have gotten her off, especially on the third go-around. I mean, it didn't seem fake, not like a pornstar screaming "Oh I'm cumming! Yes, yes, yesssss!" is totaly fake. But then I wouldn't know for sure if she was faking to make me feel better or not. She was breathing really hard and moving around under me a LOT. Like, squirming around with her legs, opening and closing her legs, and even squeezing them together and sort of wrapping one around the other, so that my hand was sort of stuck there. We never really broke mouth-to-mouth contact, and her kissing got REALLY agressive, especially with her hand behind my head, pulling me to her. I told her yesterday the insides of my lips where they rubbed against my teeth were still sore. Not that I was complaining about it, the kissing part was -what's the right word, erotic? not quite, but close enough- very erotic. Very enjoyable. Very good indication I was doing something right.

OK, I need to stop. I meant to write a short note, and now I'm starting to overanylize again. So anyway, thanks to all, will keep you posted.

Oh, one more thing, SoleDesire, how about this: I bought Outlander a couple of weeks ago at Goodwill. I don't usually go for historical fiction, but 50c (it was half-price day) for almost a week's worth of reading was hard to pass up. I'll start reading it tonight, as soon as I finish The Regulators.

Skippy

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Masturbation and sex are entirely different territory.

Masturbation is familiar territory for you, unlike sex.

So, for the first time you actually have penetrative sex, I'd recommend cheating a little. Your girl is never going to know if you're quietly visualizing your favourite porn scenes or famous fantasy fuck. You know what gets you horny at the drop of a hat, so use that skill.

Also, I know you didn't actually get to it yet but vaginas are far less stimulating than a clenched fist. Masturbate gently (unless you want to leave it until after you see her again) with lots of lube (saliva works fine) and even try it with a condom so you get used to the reduced sensation and can practice putting one on.

As SoleDesire said, wine may be a good idea, just a couple of glasses each to take the edge of your nervous anticipation.

Hope it all goes well.

 

[SoleDesire]

As far as getting her off, she said it, not me. And when I talked to her yesterday (Mon.), she said it was really easy for her to get off, anyway. For my part, I think I really may have gotten her off, especially on the third go-around. I mean, it didn't seem fake, not like a pornstar screaming "Oh I'm cumming! Yes, yes, yesssss!" is totaly fake. But then I wouldn't know for sure if she was faking to make me feel better or not. She was breathing really hard and moving around under me a LOT. Like, squirming around with her legs, opening and closing her legs, and even squeezing them together and sort of wrapping one around the other, so that my hand was sort of stuck there. We never really broke mouth-to-mouth contact, and her kissing got REALLY agressive, especially with her hand behind my head, pulling me to her. I told her yesterday the insides of my lips where they rubbed against my teeth were still sore. Not that I was complaining about it, the kissing part was -what's the right word, erotic? not quite, but close enough- very erotic. Very enjoyable. Very good indication I was doing something right.

I really don't think she'd fake it THREE times. That seems gratuitous. And what you're describing sounds like an orgasm, or at least really, really aroused. (For the record, some of us are a bit noisier than others. If she starts hollering, don't assume she's faking it, it just may be really great or she's more comfortable with you.) So, nice job!

Oh, one more thing, SoleDesire, how about this: I bought Outlander a couple of weeks ago at Goodwill. I don't usually go for historical fiction, but 50c (it was half-price day) for almost a week's worth of reading was hard to pass up. I'll start reading it tonight, as soon as I finish The Regulators.

Skippy

It sounds absolutely fortuitous.

 

[Duvet_Thief]

I feel for you!

My first time I got hard but was totally unable to come...
Stress does weird things with your body, and your experience was pretty normal.
If anything, I would recommend making things a bit more spontaneous: knowing you're gonna get laid and have to perform days in advance is bound to stress you out.

Have sex when you're horny, don't try and get horny when you're scheduled to have sex...

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

I started the same way

She had been married for 7 years.
She had just left her husband and showed up in town, jus looking to get laid.
I felt tremendous pressure to live up to what she expected
and
of course, I could not get it up.
Main difference, she was not nearly as understanding.

I don't know if this helps, but the second time, I had no trouble getting hard
this time, my girl just took her time gently stroking and caressing my cock until it got hard, and then I slid it in
and came on the first stroke.

So, it takes a little practice and getting comfortable.

You'll get there. Billions have. And it rarely works very well on the first try.

Mike

 

[seattlelevel27]

what you're experiencing is NOT a big problem, and you need to tell yourself that. I myself just experienced it last weekend with my GF....it was 5 am (!) and I had been drinking. Of course, I shouldn't have even attempted sex, because in that state I was stupid to think I could stay hard (I know myself).

But I couldn't get hard. No big deal. It happens, and in your case, it's 100% psychological.

Keep telling yourself it's not a big deal, and then you'll eventually stop agonizing over it.

The dick is directly connected to your id, of course (if you're Freudian).

 

[lilly85]

...................

 

[missgizmo]

I think you put loads of pressure on to yourselves. You should maybe think about NOT having sex the next time you meet, go to bed yes, cuddle, caress and masturbate her. If this takes the pressure off you and you get a full erection you should not put it to use, just leave that to the future.

 

[redhot]

It happens

kjhgfds

 

[seattlelevel27]

ya gotta admit, this is very reassuring for us guys...I like hearing how so many guys have had this issue, and I really like hearing how girls chime in and tell us about their dudes not being able to get it up sometimes.

It's NORMAL (anxiety-based loss of erection).

The first time it happened for me, I was 23 and dating a 21 year old girl....I was really embarrassed, but evidently she had experienced such an event with her ex-bf. She was really soothing to me, really gentle in asking me if I was stressed about anything (which I was----I was moving for school), and she was obvious about being caring.

5 minutes later, I had a raging hard-on, and we had the most aggressive sex we'd ever had.

OTOTH, with my current girl, she's never seen a guy go soft when he's about to fuck....she's only had sex with one other guy before, so it was new to her. She took it personally, and I had to calm her down, which only added to my stress, which only further killed my erection.

Jeez, some women