First time being published on here...feedback please

[Satans_Angell]

HIM
by Satans_Angell©


Starting in silence.
Swollen lips trailing,
Pursing, nibbling,
Soft moans escape
Hands caressing,
Squeezing, pinching,
Fondling,
Hot, wet, moist kisses
Fully hard,
Fully hot
Rubbing, stroking,
Grasping
Sinking to the ground
Mouth sucking, tugging,
Licking, fingering,
Bodies entwined
Soaked, slippery,
Hot, wet, moist pussy
Thrusting, rocking,
Grabbing
Desperate to cum
Begging
Pleading
Pleasing
Moaning
Needing, pounding
Grinding
Frantic, anxious
Riding, screaming
Fucking
Cumming
Hard
Loud
Shaking
Ending

 

[TheRainMan]

you asked for feedback, and this is slipping down the page.

first, welcome.

the poem really does nothing for me. it is neither poetic nor fresh. it's just a falling string of -ing's without any images.

and it's written like a grocery list . . . a naughty version of milk, butter, and eggs.

 

[WickedEve]

Do you have a poem that is not erotic? Good erotica is difficult to write.

 

[Liar]

An ing-ing poem. Everything is ing, and it gets more comical than effective pretty fast. I think that's where it loses me. The poem has a refreshing concrete directness to it that I like, but it really neeeds another kind of...pacing I guess...to work for me.

Good luck and welcome to the forum.