First time author - Romantic Wedding Night

[silvastormcloud]

Hi Everyone,

I have been reading the stories on this site for a long time now and its really developed my need to create something of myself to give back.

I have got some feedback about this story from a few people here and its unedited except by me but i would love to see what the wider audience thinks.

What do you think of this story, my talent and if its erotic couplings or more romance?



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[kmb411]

Stormy- As always, a great post. It does make me wonder, what where you doing in mybedroom on my honeymoon?

Please post more of your passionate writings, as the more we get to know you, the more love we can share.

 

[silvastormcloud]

Thanks very much, after i get some feedback on this story i will definitely be looking to write some more

 

[Jack_Samuel]

Wow Silva, i believe you have real talent. I hope you keep it up.

i liked your story although i think it needs more sex to make it to erotic couples.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Very nice job, especially for a first effort. Take everything that follows with a very large grain of salt. It’s just my opinion.

Sentence length is, in part, a style issue. However, and IMHO, over twenty-two words per sentence on average is too long. But that is your call.

My comments in the text are in CAPS. Use ‘em, abuse ‘em, lose ‘em. That’s also your call.

Rumple Foreskin

==

It was cool and cloudless night. The full moon hung high in the sky and its bright light shone through the open balcony of an expensive hotel illuminating a previously darkened room.(JAS: OMIT THE FIRST SENT, THEN: “A FULL MOON HUNG HIGH IN THE COOL, CLOUDLESS SKY. ITS LIGHT…”) The sounds of a creaking bed could be heard reverberating off the walls and exiting into the clear night. Sitting upon a small table was a metal ice bucket holding a still unopened bottle of champagne. Over the chairs hung a pair of dress pants and a fine pin stripped jacket, their companions flung less thoughtfully around the room.

--

The light that spilled through the open doors exposed her slight frame, highlighting the red marks across her back from where the wedding dress had pulled to(TOO) tight in its vanity.(GREAT LINE) Her light freckles glowed in luminance as her pale thighs straddled the darkly tanned skin of her lover. The small amount of makeup that had been applied the morning that now seemed so long ago was still present on her face,(JAS: OMIT THE LIST) pale blue eye shadow, thick foundation, blush and mascara. It felt dry and almost alien but Cloud felt beautiful,(JAS: NEW SENT) it had been her day and when she looked down she saw rapt awe in his eyes.

Her wedding day, Cloud still couldn’t believe she was now a married woman. A year in planning, what felt like twenty years of worry, and an appalling amount of money had gone into one day and it had been worth it. It had been the best day of her life but also the longest. She was tired from lack of sleep, sore from new heels and the dress. Hungry because she hadn’t eaten and a bit dizzy from the drinks and dancing, but she was also very wet from anxiously awaiting this moment. It wasn’t their first time together, she wasn’t (JAS: OMIT “WASN’T” ADD “WAS NEITHER”) old fashioned nor religious but this was her first time, with her husband.

The creaking of the bed was picking(JAS; OMIT “WAS PICKING” ADD “PICKED”) up pace and decibels as there(THEIR) love making grew more passionate but Cloud was absolutely oblivious to it. As she placed her small hands on the strong chest of her man and twirled her fingers through the curly hair found there she closed her eyes and remembered the day.(USED “HER” FOUR TIMES IN THAT SINGLE SENTENCE. IT’S HARD TO AVOID, BUT REPEATED USE OF ANY WORD RUNS THE RISK OF DISTRACTING READERS.)

The ceremony had been by the ocean, on a small rocky beach not many people besides the locals new about. It had been their beach, where they had(JAS: OMIT “HAD”) first met, where they had their first kiss(JAS: OMIT “HAD THEIR FIRST KISS” ADD “FIRST KISSED”) and it felt so fitting for their wedding. It had been a beautiful clear day, and(JAS: OMIT “AND” BEGIN NEW SENT) the sun had warmed her skin as she tearfully walked down the isle to join the man who she was now becoming one with, again, in a much more physical sense.

Cloud opened her eyes to find him gazing up at her. His eyes where filled with a love she had never before felt and it only added to the lust she saw in his smile. Even as her heart melted she wondered if it(NOT SURE WHAT “IT” REFERS TO) was from the fire in her pussy. She had never wanted another person more then she wanted him, and now that they were married. Now that they were joined forever she felt she could finally let go, and give of herself totally.(IMHO, THE LAST TWO SENT ARE A BIT AWKWARD.)

She closed her eyes again as a moan escaped her parted lips. With her hands on her partners broad chest she gently pushed herself up until only the head of his penis was gripped between her moist lips then settled back down into his lap, sighing as she felt his manhood again rip through her tight wet tunnel. (TO A CERTAIN EXTENT, THIS IS A STYLE ISSUE, BUT WHY LUMP ALL THOSE EROTIC DETAILS INTO ONE 46-WORD SENTENCE?) Up and down she bounced on his lap. Slowly Cloud built up the pace of their love making to a frantic speed as she used his cock to stir the embers inside her until it felt(JAS: OMIT “FELT” ADD “SEEMED” – YOU USE “FELT” AGAIN IN THE NEXT SENT) like an inferno raged within.

Cloud felt his strong hands which had been reverently caressing her firm breasts twist her nipples sharply and it caused her moan to become(JAS: “HER MOAN BECAME”) a scream as the delicious agony tore through her body. It amazed her that (JAS: OMIT “IT AMAZED HER THAT”) tonight her body and spirit where one, joined with his to form one wondrous whole just as the priest had said it would.

“It is a time of celebration,” the old priest has said as they stood before their friends and family. “For two people have come together and found mutual joy. They have shared their lives and decided to create a covenant between themselves, a partnership guided by spirit and body.”

“Let your love be like the flowers of the earth, beautiful and divine, ever growing, spreading love and joy throughout the Earth. May you live within a circle of love and may your unity be a thing of beauty and sweetness. May your love dance in eternal circles of time, with the dance of the earth with the sacredness of life.” Cloud had heard the priest read the service, her mind and eyes never leaving those of the man before her.

Cloud had done her best that day(JAS: OMIT “THAT DAY”) to remember every word that was said(JAS: OMIT “THAT WAS SAID” ADD “OF THE SERVICE”). She wanted to remember every detail for the rest of her life, and as her nipples throbbed it(INDEFINITE PRONOUN – WHAT DOES “IT” REFER TO – THE FEELING IN HER NIPPLES?) did feel beautiful and divine. Their joint moans as she alternately rocked and rolled his glorious cock did seem to be growing and spreading as they echoed off each wall, sending their love to the world as they performed their sacred dance.(IMHO, THAT LAST SENT IS TOO COMPLEX) The air smelt sweet with the mixing of their juices and Cloud heard the luscious slurping sounds of their joining every time her engorged pussy lips settled around his cock.

His hands left her abused nipples to slip heavily down the firm skin of her sides and settle on her hips as Cloud’s hands followed in their wake. She closed her small hands atop of(OMIT “OF”) his as she leant slightly forward and allowed him to guide the pace. They had done this before and a small knot of anxious energy built in her stomach when he squeezed the flesh of her waist. She looked deep into the brown iris of his eyes as she felt his rock hard manhood slam into her descending pussy. On every down stroke he was thrusting(JAS: OMIT “WAS THRUSTING” ADD “THRUST”) upwards, pounding into her moist tunnel and(JAS: OMIT “AND” BEGIN NEW SENT) Cloud felt every vein and blemish on his cock as he pushed it between her tight lips.

His furious hammering of her pussy was driving her to the edge and Cloud felt delirious as her juices gushed out over his cock, lubricating his pistoning machine. His secure hands held her in place and she grunted as his hips thrust up into(AGAINST?) her, bouncing on the mattress and taking them to new highs. She felt tears forming in her eyes as the love for her husband was taking(JAS: OMIT “WAS TAKING” ADD “TOOK”) physical form and(JAS: OMIT “AND” BEGIN NEW SENT) when he bent his neck to take one of her hard nipples into his mouth(COMMA) she arched her back to the heavens.

Every thrust was taking her closer to oblivion, closer to the culmination of her perfect day and from the sound of his grunting around her nipple she knew he was close behind her. As his iron hard cock continued its assault into her tunnel(COMMA) her mind was thrown back to that day(WHAT DAY?) again(JAS: BEING NEW SENT) and as she remembered, her moans became her vows.

“I, Cloud, take you, to be my husband, my partner in life and my one true love.” She began to speak somewhere between a moan and a scream as his cock thundered into her.

“I will cherish our friendship and love you today, tomorrow, and forever(PERIOD) I will trust you and honor you(PERIOD) I will laugh with you and cry with you.” She continued to moan to the ceiling. His hands had moved from her hips round to her slender ass and he was pulling her down onto each of his thrusts, taking them higher and higher.

“I will love you faithfully, through the best and the worst, through the difficult and the easy.” Cloud stuttered through clenched teeth as her body cramped and she gulped for air. They were both drenched in sweat and the air in the room seemed to be from the tropics. Their bodies slipped and slid between each wicked collision and she felt him leave her nipple to stare up at her.

“What may come I will always be there. As I have given you my hand to hold(COMMA – SMALL “s”) So I give you my life to keep.” Cloud screamed in finality, her exhausted body spasming in pure pleasure. Her every nerve seemed a light(ONE WORD) with feeling and(JAS: OMIT “AND” BEGIN NEW SENT) tingles shot from her pussy as her body shook. Her knees clamped around his waist even as her pussy contracted around the cock that had taken her to the edge and beyond, thrust by thrust.

And just as Cloud’s tortured mind was beginning(JAS: OMIT “WAS BEGINNING” ADD “BEGAN”) to piece itself back together again(JAS: OMIT “AGAIN” ADD A COMMA) she felt(HEARD?) her husband cry out and (FELT?) the body underneath her shake as tremors ripped through them both. His hips thrust into(PHYSIOLOGICALLY SPEAKING, SHOULD IT BE “AGAINST?”) her manically and she felt his cock grow impossibly large before he erupted, spilling his seed into her chalice.

He was cumming and she felt her pussy spasm for a second time as she was taken away again. The(THEY?) were riding their orgasms as only a loving couple could, gaining enjoyment that only comes from mutual release and as Cloud flew with him she knew that(JAS: OMIT “THAT”) they were married now and wherever he went she would follow.

 

[silvastormcloud]

Very nice job, especially for a first effort. Take everything that follows with a very large grain of salt. It’s just my opinion.

Sentence length is, in part, a style issue. However, and IMHO, over twenty-two words per sentence on average is too long. But that is your call.

My comments in the text are in CAPS. Use ‘em, abuse ‘em, lose ‘em. That’s also your call.

Rumple Foreskin

Thanks very much for the effort you went too. I will be taking most of it forward and i will try and shorten my sentences.

 

[CWatson]

Yeah, I'm with the sentence-length comment too.

Now, before I get going, let me say this: every artistic endeavor could have turned out better than it did. That's just the way art works. So the critiques you are getting are not some indication that you suck. Furthermore, something else is true of this story that isn't always true of every artistic endeavor: it could have turned out worse--a lot worse. The flashing back and forth between the ceremony and the actual lovemaking is clever and handled well; most people would not have attempted it, and fewer would've succeeded. I wish my first story had turned out this well.

Long story short: the fact that this could've been better does not, in any way, denigrate the fact that this is good already.

Now, let's make it better.

First off, you have a lot of passive voice in the first few paragraphs. Passive voice is when you phrase the action as though it was happening to something, instead of that thing doing the action. "Barry Bonds broke a world record!" is active voice, "The world record was broke by Barry Bonds!" is passive voice, and comparing them side by side I think you can see why passive voice is not the best option (completely aside from the missing "N" on "broken", which--I admit it--I left off deliberately ). I realize that you're trying to imply that the clothing was more-or-less discarded at random, but you can do that without passive.

Second, your descriptions are... I don't know if "formal" is the right word, but that's kind of how it feels. At least, it was in the beginning; things start to smooth out later. Part of this is because of the long-sentence comment; you chain a lot of ideas together sometimes, when it would be easier to read if you separated them. Another part of it is that you use a lot of adverbs, which are words that modify verbs or adjectives. For instance, in the sentence, "I went quickly to the store," I is the subject, went is the verb, and quickly the adverb, because it modifies the verb. In the sentence, "She was unbelievably tall," unbelievably is the adverb, because it modifies the adjective (tall).

In general, you should avoid adverbs as much as possible. They make the prose bumpy and clunky, especially when modifying verbs. Look at the first sentence. "Went quickly" works, yes, but is there a different verb we could use that would encompass both the idea of going and the idea of quickly? How about, "Hurried"? "Rushed"? "Raced"? "Ran"? "Zipped"? "Hustled"? I mean, you see where I'm going with this?

One of the best things you can do for yourself, when editing, is do a Find for the suffix -ly, because almost every adverb ends in it. Whenever you find one, delete that word and change the verb instead. This will cut about 5% or 10% from your word count, and that's a good thing.

So, yes. That's what I've got. As you can see, it's all prose stuff. The story underneath is solid and should not be changed a bit (though, as a fan of Final Fantasy VII, it was a bit disconcerting to me to have "Cloud" be a woman's name). Now it's just about helping you tell the story as memorably as possible.

 

[silvastormcloud]

Yeah, I'm with the sentence-length comment too.

Now, before I get going, let me say this: every artistic endeavor could have turned out better than it did. That's just the way art works. So the critiques you are getting are not some indication that you suck. Furthermore, something else is true of this story that isn't always true of every artistic endeavor: it could have turned out worse--a lot worse. The flashing back and forth between the ceremony and the actual lovemaking is clever and handled well; most people would not have attempted it, and fewer would've succeeded. I wish my first story had turned out this well.

Thank you very much, i can only imagine how long it takes to write a meaningful reply in this section. You brought up some great points in particular with the editing and its some thing i will definitely use.

Im really glad you liked the story tho because atleast that means im on the write path and its just the technical stuff i need to iron out.

I love every final fantasy game and i was actually a little unhappy when Cloud was a man

 

[OzDave]

Stormy, I really enjoyed your story. I found the point of view from the female very interesting. I agree the time shifting from the ceremony to the consummation was very well handled and a particularly fresh idea very successfully accomplished.
If you ever are in need of an editor, let me put my hand up as a volunteer. I guess you have a queue down around the corner and up the next street already though. Someone in the same time zone may be convenient. Keep it up.

 

[poppy_cock]

You've already had some really helpful feedback and I can't really add more regarding style, sentence construction, use of adverbs etc.

But the one thing that I have to say didn't quite ring true for me (as a devoted reader and sometimes writer of romantic fiction ) was Cloud's rather lengthy speech during the latter part of their love-making. Did she really have enough breath to get all of that out in full sentences? I for one would've found it more believeable if there'd been partial sentences, maybe more along the lines of:

“I, Cloud, take you, to be my husband," she panted. "My partner in life - oh! And my one true love.” As his cock thundered into her, the pitch of her voice rose to something between a moan and a scream.

“I will cherish our friendship - and love you today - tomorrow!" she wailed to the ceiling. "And forever I will trust you - and honor you. I will laugh, and cry with you-ooh..." His hands had moved from her hips round to her slender ass and he was pulling her down onto each of his thrusts, taking them higher and higher.

Now maybe the hyphens should be swapped for ellipsis - but what I'm trying to get at is that you could let us feel the rhythm by introducing pauses. I very much doubt that if his cock was 'thundering' into her that she'd get many words out in one go. It would be a couple of words a breath, I figure.

Anyway, just a thought, and one you're quite welcome to disregard as tosh

You've definitely got something there. Keep writing!

 

[darknirish]

Hey babe. I liked your story. I definitely think you have some talent. Maybe someday we could write some together. I'll post one of mine and see if you like it.

Take care, Pat