First submission. Too literate?

[Maskman]

Hah!


Now that I have your attention, let me ask... Is it a sin to use high-fallutin' words and complex construction when writing an erotic story? I'm having a sudden attack of doubt, now that it's too late and the story is up and visible.

If y'all would be so kind, read my story Making Peace, and tell me what you think.

Does the word choice distract from the story?

Do the words not contribute enough?

What would make the story better?

Go right ahead and be blunt, I can take it... whimper

 

[the_bragis]

Too verbose, or not too verbose, that is the question.

Mmm. An honest opinion? Well, for me personally, this story was good, but it was a little too verbose.

Particularly when I read erotic, I appreciate an 'easy' read, with a nice balance of dialog. You also have some incredibly long sentences there, even longer paragraphs, and no dialog at all. Check out some of the top authors on this site, I think you will find they all use dialog to enhance their work, and it works well. Long sentences and paragraphs can drag if you're not really careful.

Is it a sin to use high-fallutin' words and complex construction when writing an erotic story?

No, I don't think so. There is every possiblity others will read your story, and simply adore your style. So, please don't take my views too seriously.

Maybe I'm just not the type of reader this is aimed at.

Have a great day now,

Alex (fem)

 

[kristydoll]

Hi,

I also enjoyed this story. Personally, I didn't think the word choices took anything away from the story at all....but I do have to agree, that it would read easier if you broke up the long sentences.

Good stuff!
kristy

 

[Whispersecret]

Re: Too verbose, or not too verbose, that is the question.

Check out some of the top authors on this site, I think you will find they all use dialog to enhance their work, and it works well.

Top authors as in those with the most reads, those whose stories are on the top lists...?

 

[Maskman]

Hmmm. OK, I see... Break it up a bit, chop the sentences & paragraphs down a bit.

That particular story wasn't intended to have dialogue, really. It's intended to be a first-person account, and a short one at that.

Now, as Whispersecret asks, top authors in terms of most views, or in terms of highest ranking? Or both..?

Anyway, thanks!

 

[the_bragis]

Now, as Whispersecret asks, top authors in terms of most views, or in terms of highest ranking? Or both..?

I guess I would define 'top' as either. What a majority of readers enjoy, is usually a good indicator. It's just that though, an indication. Many of the stories I have enjoyed here, haven't had either. Mm... or maybe that says something about my level of expertise.


Have a great day now,
Alex (fem)

 

[M.A.Thompson]

I will take the other side of the coin Maskman. I love to get lost in a long complex sentence with lots of commas and such. Not to be confused with the ever so nasty “run on sentence”, a long complex one is a difficult chore to pull off which I feel you did, and effectively. I believe they added to the complexity of your story and help us feel your narrator’s convictions early in the story, and his urgency latter, even more so than shorter, less complex sentences would have. Especially when they contrast against the much simpler ones…(“Oh no, she didn’t!”) for example.

Also, while I am a big fan of dialouge, I agree with you, it was not necessary in this story.

As far as your story itself, I thought it was great. The sex was not the hottest I have read here, but, and no snickers from the peanut gallery, I do read Literotica for more than just the sex. First class work my friend. I would like to read more of your stuff!!!!

 

[Maskman]

Interesting.

I write a lot like I speak, and I speak... Well, a lot. I try to paint a word picture, to suck the reader into the head of the narrator. Now, I say that, but to be honest, I've only been writing stories like this for a couple of months, and my critique audience has been almost like-minded friends, which leaves me with a fairly slanted view.

Thanks, M.A.Thompson I appreciate the feedback.

I'm way too new at this to try going for the hottest burn-the-house-down sex. I'll settle for get-your-pulse-moving sex, at least until I'm a bit more dry behind the ears.

I can see that it's going to take some parctice, so I suppose I should start practicing, then, hey?

Thanks again to everyone that's commented. I appreciate your time, and your input. Hopefully, I'll even manage to make productive use of the advice!

 

[rjordan]

Hah!


Now that I have your attention, let me ask... Is it a sin to use high-fallutin' words and complex construction when writing an erotic story? I'm having a sudden attack of doubt, now that it's too late and the story is up and visible.
[/i][/size]

I didn't like the story...before I read it. I thought you were being smug and condescending by implying erotic stories had to be simplistic and use short words, maybe even pictures.

So I clicked on the link. It was a wonderful read. I even forgot to look for the big words and complex sentences I'd been told to expect. I just read it and enjoyed it. No doubt every story could be improved later, but this one is in danger of having the life sucked out of it if changed. Leave it be and get on to the next.

Good job.

Rick

 

[Maskman]

Yeah, I knew my thread title OP was sailing a little close to the wind, but I wanted to capture some attention, and thought the risk would be worth-while. And if I got flamed for it, well... I'd asked for it and deserved what I got.

Glad that eveyone has been kind enough to check the story first, before ripping me a new one!

The reaction you had is what I was hoping to inspire. The other's have valid points, too, and I've gone back with that in mind, and looked... this one would be rough to rework, but I already see things I can do to improve a couple stories sitting 'on the shelf', that I didn't think would make the cut. Now, maybe they will... Next submission in a couple o' days!

 

[HemlockNredwine]

Overall, I enjoyed your story. There’s nothing like a little mutual animosity to bring out the passion. The spanking was a great development. I could see how it might come about, experimentally at first but then more forcefully, and how it could be a welcome (though reluctantly admitted by her at the time) push into new and needed territory. Excellent timing. Your use of conflict in the entire plot was a good idea.

Okay, now the bad news. LOL. Nah, it’s not too bad. It only sounds worse than it really is.

I thought that you had a good grasp of directness about half the time, but you kept backing off into passiveness. Man, you got to grab that tiger by the tail! You also gave yourself the freedom of a long sentence, but then interrupted it often with unnecessarily or misplaced asides.

Look at your second sentence. “The cause, of course, was small and petty, but it was the small wound that caused long-suppressed resentment to pour forth.” The truth is, the reader depends on you to tell him or her what’s going on. We’re kind of like sheep that way. Your use of “of course” not only breaks the flow of your sentence, but it also implies that we should be already familiar with the details of this relationship. We aren’t. The cause could be a large or a small one for all we know. Tell us. Slap us on the ass a little.

Write, “As usual, the cause was small and petty…”

If you omit the redundant word “small” then the sentence could read, “As usual, the cause was small and petty, but it was the tiniest extra wound that caused long-suppressed resentment to pour forth.” I feel redder already.

Your third sentence was more of the same. “Each, alone, was minor, but after long seasons to fester, they’d become toxic, and the rush of bitterness caught us both by surprise.” Actually, I take that back. Your third sentence was in it’s own league. LOL. Oh well, perhaps we’ll laugh over my own monstrosities one day. You’re one better than I am anyway because I have yet to post.

I think it’s easy to feel rushed to get the story out. Obviously, you don’t want to bore people. On the other hand, I think the writer should be the boss. When you’re telling the story, you tell the reader what to do, not the other way around. I think this might solve some of your problems with complex sentences. Pace yourself. You don’t have to say everything all at once. Make the reader step where you tell them to step.

“We fought all week long, a low simmering roil of resentment. As usual, the cause was small and petty, but it was the tinniest extra wound that caused long-suppressed resentment to pour forth. Each fester was minor by itself, but the final rush of underlying toxic bitterness caught us both by surprise.

“Controlled and intense, we fought viscously, laying our attacks with deadly precision and almost hateful vigor...”

Obviously, my re-write was heavy-handed. Yours wouldn’t have to be the same way. I thought the foundation of your story was pretty solid. If you sit down for your next story and start second-guessing yourself then you’re going to screw it up. Relax. Write the first draft any way that it comes to you. Then do the re-write with a riding crop.

Hope it helped.

 

[Whispersecret]

I think that it was a good read. You had a lot of great images and phrases there, but that first paragraph was just a tad heavy-handed for my taste, maybe even melodramatic? What you described seemed to me like a battle that would destroy a relationship. If it were my story (and it's not, so take this with a grain of salt), I would lighten up a little on the drama.

Also, I agree with the_bragis that the paragraphs were a tad long also. Not so long as to drive me nuts or make me back-click, but since you're asking...

Otherwise, a worthy effort. Nicely done.

 

[Maskman]

Wow!

Now that really gives me a few ideas! Thanks!

Actually, truth be told, that story was inspired by a fight that nearly did destroy our realtionship. Instead, it opened a lot of new and interesting doors. We didn't make peace quite like that, and I condensed a lot of events, changed the timing a bit, toned it down a fair bit.

When we fight, it's knives-out vicious. When we make-up, the furniture needs repairs afterwards.

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Absolutely loved your story. I could so easily put myself into this story with my hubby, almost every scene was dead on. However, the beginning was a bit too wordy for me but then it starts to flow a bit better. I had my hubby read it and he was very aroused, he wanted to act it out LOL. So bravo, keep up the good work.
Wicked

 

[ladyphoenix]

Too literate????

Dear sweet merciful heaven!

Darlin, I have to say that NO story on lit has ever engrossed me like this one. The first paragraph was so detailed; so "complex" that I was reading so deliciously slowly; so amazingly bound to each and every word that if it were possible to have orgasms from reading, the line "...we mined these lodes with cold intent, forging newer, even more crueler barbs from the hard ore of forgotten hurts," would have done it.
How's that for a run-on sentence? *g*

I must take issue with Hemlock who mentions the line "The cause, of course, was small and petty..." (ok, I think 'small' and 'petty' are a little redundant, but I'll forgive you anything for a story this good). On the contrary, Hemlock, we do NOT need any more details about this relationship. We ALL know what it's like to argue with a loved one. To have some huge blow up over something that (doesn't it always seem this way?) is really petty at it's heart.
And the fact that you start off remarking about the spanking makes me think that maybe you missed the point anyway.

This is a man and a woman. Relationship. The delicate, curious and sometimes furious ebb and flow of one human being relating to another. I LOVED that there was no dialogue, because then it would have seemed less universal. As it was, it was about a man and a woman who could be ANY man and woman. The way you weave the intricate emotions of relationship into this without shoving it in our face blows me away.

If you touch ONE word of this in edit, I'll hunt you down and you and I will have a nasty go. (and hey, after reading that.....I don't think I'd mind fighting with you, darlin).

best,
ladyp

 

[Michael Fury]

Bravo Maskman,
I dont think that your obvious skill with the language detracts from the story at all. In fact, the articulate way in which you have described the emotions and passions makes for a thought provoking read. As someone mentioned earlier on this thread, you've given an account of a universal situation. I empathized so well with this kind of psychological warfare, as well as with the détente between two spouses. However, this kind of anal truce is a new diplomatic tactic to me.
Great job!

 

[gauchecritic]

Too lierate?

Yes (for me anyway).

I was going to leave this post there, but that isn't constructive is it?

In a short story of any genre, an in-depth opening scene gives the feeling of a long and complex tale, the expectation is of plot and character development and whilst reading your story, although I admired the style, I was preparing myself for this very thing.

When the plot suddenly struck into sexual foreplay I was confused.

The tone of the piece, even in the description of the sex act was far too clean and precise, it didn't arouse me.

What I am trying to say is, there seemed to be no spontaneity. Perhaps you over-edited and seemed to concentrate on correctness of form instead of the substance.

I am given to understand that the difference between a good artist and a great artist is knowing when to stop painting.

 

[Maskman]

Wow!

I'm humbled.

This has been a very rewarding thread... From all y'all's input on what I've done right, what I might change, and the reasons why I was on, or off, I've learned much.

Even if I don't edit the story!

Oh, and gauchecritic, I've heard that line about the artist somewhere before, though not recently.


Thank you all again, for your thoughtful and useful critiques.

Flowers for the lot of you!



Mm.

 

[ladyphoenix]

How gauche

Yes, gauchecritic, and the difference between a gauche critic and an authentic critic is knowing when to keep your cyber lips sealed.

ladyp

 

[ladyphoenix]

oh dear

So, are we to understand that gauche quoted someone in the artist remark. I wonder, why, then, there are no quotation marks. Not giving credit where it's due. Hmmm. Seems to be a habit with some critics.

 

[Whispersecret]

What's wrong with what gauchecritic posted?

 

[Maskman]

Well, I, for one, am not offended. I asked for blunt, honest opinions, and it would be rather silly if I turned around and got upset over a civilly-put opinion.

Peace, folks... Lets not have a fight. Where opinions differ, I'm sure we can all agree to disagree.

I had had intended the story to be fairly annonymous, as it does bear some passing resemblance to a real event (though not too close, I hope!). I also wanted the reader to be able to place themselves in the story, so left out names, age, race, and most physical descriptions. I wanted to suck the reader in, and put them in the emotioal flow, to establish identity with one of the principals (realizing that it was most likely to be the male character), which is why I punched up the first paragrah so hard. I may've over done that a bit...

I really didn't think too much about pace, as I was remembering how it is around here. When it happens, sex can come from out of the blue, with little or no setup. Or, sometimes there's a whole day of foreplay. It all depends...!

Edit to add:

Oh, and ladyp, if you come looking for a fight, best bring a few yards of silk and sissal with you... I've already got the leather!

 

[Whispersecret]

No, I didn't think you would be offended, Maskman. You've taken all the criticism quite nicely. I was just wondering why ladyp was all riled up.

 

[Aurora_s_Flame]

To continue the topic and avoid the heat that seems to be rising from it, Maskman your story is a wonderful tale. Yes, it is very literate, but by taking the time to read it, absorbe it, swallow it hole...then is when it is most stimulating and enjoyable. By the end of the first paragraph, I could not be torn away. I hope you continue to write such wonderful work. I look forward to reading more of your "enlightening" tales.

~ Rora

 

[Guest]

Great style Mask, I like mood stuff!
You got my 5 points.


Now NOBODY SHOUT, but I see Gauche Critic's point. I thought the sex was like, "oh, shit, this is meant to be erotica, lets go for it quick..." -- you didn't contextualize the people enough for me to really care. You maybe tried to cater for quick thrills, but I would guess from your style that you could have gone a lot deeper, and set a mood of genuine tension really well. This would have added more power to the sex scene for me. And also direct it a little more.

I DEFINITELY think you're a great writer, and look forward to you tackling another theme in your next story.