First submission, looking for feedback.

[TempestCyberella]

I submitted my first story earlier this month and due to some personal issues was just able to check and see if it passed muster. Yay!! It did! It's in the NonHuman section.

I'm hoping that some of the regular helpful people could give me some feedback on where improvements can be made. It would be greatly appreciated. I had comments turned off (didn't realize that was the default) so... nothing useful there although it does have a current voting rating of 4.56.

Don't worry about hurting feelings, I've got my big girl panties pulled up. I write press releases and media articles all day but my fiction is something I've always kept to myself. So please, don't hesitate to criticize and give pointers.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=305043&page=1

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Congratulations on having your first story accepted, and welcome.

The first thing I noticed was wow, look at the size of your paragraphs. They need to be divided up. Especially for people reading online, it makes it so much easier to read. Here's how I would do it.

The cool night breeze woke her from her slumber. How long had she been asleep? She did not know, but she knew that he had not come to her. She would have awoken in an instant if he had, so strong is her desire for him. She stood and stretched her wings. AHHHH, that's better. Then she shimmers in the darkness and transforms into her mortal form... a Dutch beauty with long flowing blonde hair and blue green eyes the color of the ocean. She saunters to the pond to bathe in the moonlight, hips swaying as she walks. The water is cool and refreshing to her hot skin. Transforming raises her body temperature and that, along with her passion, has her burning up. Silently she swims, diving under the water every now and then to move among the inhabitants of the pond. They see her as no threat in her mortal form, and happily swim along beside her. When she has tired, she emerges from the water and stretches her body out on the grass, feeling the moonlight recharge her energy. She lies there staring up at the stars, comfortable in her oneness with the universe. Suddenly, the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. She sits up with a start and scans the landscape with her razor sharp eyes. He is near...she can feel him - his darkness enveloping her like a blanket. Then she sees him standing by the tree that she was perched in not so long ago. He is large in stature, his wings surely more than 15 feet across. She stands up and waits for him. He must make the first move. That is how it is written, that is how it shall be.

Here's how I would do it.

The cool night breeze woke her from her slumber. How long had she been asleep? She did not know, but she knew that he had not come to her. She would have awoken in an instant if he had, so strong is her desire for him. She stood and stretched her wings. AHHHH, that's better.

Then she shimmers in the darkness and transforms into her mortal form... a Dutch beauty with long flowing blonde hair and blue green eyes the color of the ocean. She saunters to the pond to bathe in the moonlight, hips swaying as she walks. The water is cool and refreshing to her hot skin.

Transforming raises her body temperature and that, along with her passion, has her burning up. Silently she swims, diving under the water every now and then to move among the inhabitants of the pond. They see her as no threat in her mortal form, and happily swim along beside her. When she has tired, she emerges from the water and stretches her body out on the grass, feeling the moonlight recharge her energy. She lies there staring up at the stars, comfortable in her oneness with the universe.

Suddenly, the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. She sits up with a start and scans the landscape with her razor sharp eyes. He is near...she can feel him - his darkness enveloping her like a blanket. Then she sees him standing by the tree that she was perched in not so long ago. He is large in stature, his wings surely more than 15 feet across. She stands up and waits for him. He must make the first move. That is how it is written, that is how it shall be.

Almost every paragraph could stand the same treatment. The ellipsis "..." is only to be used to convey an incomplete thought, or statement. "I wonder where I left my ..." The ringing of the phone interuppted his thoughts.

You should use a dash to show a pause, They stayed frozen in time—neither moving after the mating was complete, only savoring the sensations that were still washing over their bodies.

You could have used a bit more dialog to bring your characters out. Dont be afraid of making them speak. Give them a voice.

I thought the plot was good, and I thought the pace of the story was good as well. For a first effort, I give it a well done!!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

A few comments -

This story is entirely devoid of dialogue. Letting your characters talk makes them come alive, pulls the reader into the center of the story, adds empathy to the reader and does more to tell the reader who the character is than you, as writer, can tell us. The male(?) character grunts and so on. It would have been better if he talked. Vampires, demons and so on talk. Let your characters tell me who and what they are, how they think and so on. It adds a lot of depth to both your story and your characters.

This is a dream adventure written in third person POV. That's what I would have chosen. Dream adventure is a good way of writing and skipping all the gross discriptions that get you back clicks. But there are pitfalls. In this story, I was a little lost. Everything seems to be going on inside the protagonist's head and no discriptive reference at all.

Drk already covered the impossibly long paragraphs. I agree with his comments. You should keep your paragraph length to 6-8 screen lines. Long paragraphs get you back-clicks, not votes.

Finally, you've made the new writer error of using the ellipsis in place of some other punctuation. Example -

A low growl rumbles deep in his throat, and for an instant she thinks that she has offended him in some way. Her fear is quickly put aside when his kiss become more passionate... and more urgent. She opens her eyes to look at him and is startled to see the glow that is emanating from his body. She had heard of this, but had never seen it for herself. It pleases her to know that he is responding to her so powerfully; that his desire matches her own in intensity. She pulls back and looks into his eyes.... they are glowing as well.

The first ellipsis isn't needed at all. If you really wanted a pause, you should have used a comma and deleted the word "and". The second should have been a period or a semicolon. As it is, you have a run-on sentence.

The ellipsis is used only to denote an incomplete thought in dialogue. It has three periods, never more, never fewer. And it never has a space before or after it.

Not to worry. three-quarters of the first-time writers make the same mistake.

Beyond that, the story was pretty well written. I like your style, even though I don't do non-human. Have to give you a B+ on this one. Keep it up.

 

[TempestCyberella]

Thank you drksideofthemoon.

Yes, I thought about the paragraph length after submission and reading some of the comments here on the board. I do that with my non fiction for the media, but... I guess when I get writing stories I just go with the thought processes and stay in one paragraph until that process is complete. Need to remember not to do that.

I didn't use much dialog in this one because I was more focused on the act itself. The primal urges of two ancient beings. For some reason I do that with my nonhuman stories.

I have a couple of others written that I'll try to submit and see how they do. One has lots of dialog as it's phone sex, the other one not so much as it's a masturbation story.

I do thank you for the compliments and advice!

Thank you too Jenny. I was posting as you were I believe. Yes, I see where I made the mistakes with with paragraph lengths and I'll remedy that from now on or try my best to. Old habits die hard.

I also have a story that isn't finished yet that is between a female wolf shapeshifter and a nonhuman entity shapeshifter (haven't decided what the male will be). There isn't much dialog in that one either as of yet because she's been a wolf in all their encounters and he's been a human. Communication barrier there, other than the normal "doggie" actions of tail wagging and such and him laughing at her silly antics.

The ellipsis usage is from my internet talking. Really need to cut that out. I don't do it in a professional piece, shouldn't do it in my writings either.

Thank you for the comments and the grade!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Thank you drksideofthemoon.

Yes, I thought about the paragraph length after submission and reading some of the comments here on the board. I do that with my non fiction for the media, but... I guess when I get writing stories I just go with the thought processes and stay in one paragraph until that process is complete. Need to remember not to do that.

Now you are talking turkey about the difference between short story writing on the internet and hard bound fiction. The problem is not your writing, it's my computer monitor. Anything over about 8 lines is hard to read. If you move on to print publishing, it still works well there. Even in a novel (100,000 + words) most of the paragraphs will be fairly short (unless you are Tolstoy, of course, an have no intention of having any readers).

 

[Nasha]

Welcome, Tempest.

I second all the good advice drk gave you.

I'd add that you have major issues with verb tense; you go back and forth between present and past tense repeatedly, paragraph after paragraph, sometimes inside a single sentence, and it's terribly distracting (but an easy fix!).

I enjoyed the story. I thought the strangeness of the incongruousness of their forms, and how her 'human' behavior was out of the ordinary for the mating ritual, was an inventive twist.

-Nasha

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Welcome, Tempest.

I second all the good advice drk gave you.

I'd add that you have major issues with verb tense; you go back and forth between present and past tense repeatedly, paragraph after paragraph, sometimes inside a single sentence, and it's terribly distracting (but an easy fix!).

I-Nasha

That's one of the pitfalls of first person POV. You tend to write the way you talk. A good editor would catch that.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Welcome, Tempest.

I think drk and Jenny have given good advice so I won't repeat it.

I think you said you were a professional writer, and perhaps that is somewhat of a problem. In story writing you have to be a voyeur. You are there in the bedroom as an invisible spectator as events flash before your eyes.

Regards

Elle