First submission: feedback requested

[Darkniciad]

I just put in my first submission, and I would like a little feedback. I only just submitted it, so there's a link to the story at the end of this. Looking through the guidelines and stories already in the archaive, I don't believe anything from the story could block submission.

Background:

I originally started writing this for my girl when we had to be apart for an extended period of time, something for her to enjoy and something for me to release a little tension. It is very much directly geared toward her unique fetishes. I was writing it entirely free-form, just sitting down and letting the words flow. By the time I had finished the second chapter, I had worked out an actual storyline it was leading toward and started gearing in that direction.

This is a long story, as evidenced by the first chapter. I currently have fifteen chapters complete, and it is going to go a minimum of seventeen before this "book" of the story is done. The full greater plotline is 3 "books" long.

When I decided to post it online, I went back and cleaned it up, retrofitting a few plot elements into the story to begin establishing the greater plotline a little sooner. The story centers heavily on sex and should likely be classified as a stroke story, especially in the early chapters.

Specific things I question myself on:

Description of physical characteristics of the characters
Description of locations- should I go into it more in this type of story?
Adjetives being overused
Mix of pronouns/Proper names
Character dialouge- some I'm happy with, others I question whether they feel real enough. Dialouge has always been a place I've struggled, in my own opinion.
How far to push the boundaries of body part descriptions- my girl has a very limited set of words that will work for her ( the words "dick" or "penis" just make her laugh for example and are not conductive toward arousal ) and I've had to retrofit synonyms in the original story for public consumption to eliminate some of the redundancy.
Should I break it down into smaller pieces? ( I honestly don't know if I can do this, I feel it will utterly destroy the cadence of the story )

This is the only chapter I've sanitized for public consumption thusfar, and feedback pointing me in the right direction would be appreciated as I move into getting the remaining chapters ready for submission.

I'm hoping it doesn't fall so flat as to be unreadable, be as kind as possible if it is please, because this is the first audiance outside of my girl to see my work despite the fact I've been writing for years for my own tension relief purposes.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=243387

Thanks to everyone who takes a peek, and especially to anyone who tosses me some feedback.

Edit: Replaced old link with Lit link upon approval

 

[sensorotika]

Feedback

You have a lot of redundancy in the narrative. This detracts from the story, as when it's read, it's diffucult to ignore. Later in the story it's not as prevalent.

For example,

"The halls were empty as she had expected. The persons of importance were
gathered for supper, and the following meeting with Zoraster. Everyone else
was encouraged to remain in their chambers or in study during this period of
time."

Remove "during this period of time", it's a given in context.

Or

"Again Zoraster laughed a haunting, evil sound. It had the hint of insanity
which she had just alluded to, "Kill you?"...

If Zoraster's laugh has a haunting, evil sound, it alrady has a hint of insanity. If you want to convey that the laugh is haunting, evil AND slightly insane, I wouldn't use two sentences OR refer to "she had just alluded to", since the allusion is to a sentence in the previous paragraph. She referred to the character as 'psycho', the character in question laughs menacingly - it's pretty much a quick deduction that the laugh sounds at least a little crazy.

Good luck

 

[Darkniciad]

Thanks for taking the time to read through it and offer some advice. I'll keep it in mind as I'm working through the rest of the chapters and writing the end of this "book" in the story.

I changed the original link in my first post to reflect the Lit link now that the story has been approved.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=243387

I'm in the process of putting together a website with more background information to the world, how magic works, general society, deities, maps of locations, etc. I've got reference pics for a lot of the women in the story that I found on various galleries that screamed "there she is!" when I saw them, but obviously due to the continuing advance of draconian 2257 and copyright issues, won't really be able to post any of those or put them on the website.

The one exception would be the reference pics for Danica, who is my girlfriend, and I took those pics myself so I have full rights to those and she's not at all shy. Probably won't be able even post those, as my buddy who hosted her website took all his stuff down upon seeing the latest 2257s until he sees how they hash out in court.

Once I've got something together, I'll link it in my profile.

Again, thanks for the feedback, and any which may be yet to come