First Submission Approved! Looking for Feedback

[lefthandfantasy]

Hey Everyone,

Long time reader, first time writer. My first submission was just approved and the initial reaction is positive, however I'm always open to more feedback and discussion.

The story consists of college age characters and contains non-romantic cheating, mild exhibitionism, mild intoxication, interracial, and fairly descriptive sex.

This is a quick one chapter story so character development is minimal but still present. Future chapters are possible however if there is demand or I find inspiration.

Enjoy, and thanks for your time!

http://www.literotica.com/s/your-roommate-can-finish-me-off

 

[RichardBacula]

Pretty good story, really! No need for more character depth than what you had, for the tale that was being told.

The only real thing that jumped out at me was that the scene where she walks in and sees Dom could use some work:

"Oh my god, what a huge cock!" Julia thought to herself, she had never seen one that large before. "It must be 10 inches, and really thick..." His masculinity was overpowering. He made Kevin, an attractive man in his own right, look like a sissy by comparison.

Unless Dom is already hard, or unless he's 10" flaccid, I think you're jumping the gun a bit with the at-a-glance measurement she takes of him.

Also, 10" is a LOT of cock for a woman to have slammed into her. Not that it's unusual in porn, just unusual in life. You've established that the girl in question has above-average needs, but I think you're still setting the bar pretty high.
Personally, I try to avoid specific measurements for that kind of thing, because it's all relative. You say something specific like "10 inches," some people are going to think, "No way! That's too much!" Others are going to think, "Is that ALL?" (though I'd wager that the latter group isn't going to know what they're talking about)
By using more generic depictions, you can convey the kind of "wow, is that thing huge!" impression that you're going for, but without threatening to blow your credibility.
Stuff like:
"the biggest she'd ever seen"
"almost twice as long as X's"
"As thick as her wrist"
"hung halfway down his thigh"
"the size of a large banana"
or whatever.

Of course, opinions vary. There are probably people out there who are turned on by specific numbers, and turned off by more general descriptions.

 

[sr71plt]

Yes, opinions do vary, and, as you point out, this is erotica fiction, not real life. A major purpose of erotica fiction is to evoke arousal. Size is a mainstay of evoking arousal in erotica, so maybe criticizing the use of size is something that could be kept to real life and not knocked so often and so much here when used in erotica fiction.

 

[RichardBacula]

Yes, opinions do vary, and, as you point out, this is erotica fiction, not real life. A major purpose of erotica fiction is to evoke arousal. Size is a mainstay of evoking arousal in erotica, so maybe criticizing the use of size is something that could be kept to real life and not knocked so often and so much here when used in erotica fiction.

It's not the use of size- it's the misuse of size.
You might get turned on by stories with cartoon physics, but I prefer my stuff to have a bit more verisimilitude.
Somebody wants to write a realistic story about a guy with a 10" dick, that's cool. But if you just slap in oversized measurements out of nowhere, with no real impact on the story and no real effect in the context of the story, then that's just bad writing IMHO.

Seriously, if the story had said 9" instead of 10", would you be turned off? Or less turned on?
Or if the story had said 36", would that be 3.6 times more arousing to you?
Is bigger always better?

OR just MAYBE, is the specific number not nearly as important as just the fact that it was BIG?
In which case, you don't need a specific number, especially not when it interferes with the story being told.
Unless somebody has a number fetish, I don't see why more general indications of size would be any less effective.

Edit:
Also, if you haven't done so, you might read this essay/request that's in the Writer's Resources section of this website.
There are some good essays there, and I wish more people would read them.

 

[sr71plt]

Sorry, but I think critics here go after the use of size too much in erotica--when the use of size is a standard part of erotica. And it's the only thing you went after in this story.

Beyond that, I always roll my eyes when someone invokes personal preference here as some sort of thing an author should be writing to. The range of interest in readership is gigantic. An author doesn't have to be writing to anyone's personal preference to not be writing to some audience here. The good critics are the ones that filter personal preference comments out of their assessments and comment on the basis of what the author seemed to be trying to do.

 

[RichardBacula]

Sorry, but I think critics here go after the use of size too much in erotica--when the use of size is a standard part of erotica.

Again, not the use of size itself, just the way it was done.

And it's the only thing you went after in this story.

Other than that part, the story seemed fine. Nothing else jumped out at me.
I could nit-pick it apart, of course, but didn't see the need.

Beyond that, I always roll my eyes when someone invokes personal preference here as some sort of thing an author should be writing to. The range of interest in readership is gigantic. An author doesn't have to be writing to anyone's personal preference to not be writing to some audience here. The good critics are the ones that filter personal preference comments out of their assessments and comment on the basis of what the author seemed to be trying to do.

Everything is personal preference.

 

[sr71plt]

Everything is personal preference.

Then writing critiquing probably isn't your talent. It's not about you--it's about what the author has tried to do for his/her targeted audience.

 

[RichardBacula]

Then writing critiquing probably isn't your talent. It's not about you--it's about what the author has tried to do for his/her targeted audience.

I know it's not about me, I'm just pointing out that you're wrong- that all reviews include personal preferences.
You, for example, prefer that people don't use what you perceive as personal preferences in their reviews. That's your personal preference.
You also appear to prefer writers to use unlikely specific measurements when describing penis size- again, that's your personal preference.
Some people prefer accurate spelling and grammar, some prefer more informal writing.
All reviews and critiques are always about preference.

If you don't understand THAT, I'd prefer you quit posting entirely.
But that's the wonderful things about preferences, you can listen to them, but nobody makes you necessarily follow other people's preferences if you don't want to.

 

[sr71plt]

All reviews and critiques are always about preference.

If you don't understand THAT, I'd prefer you quit posting entirely.

Yep, superficial reviews by "it's all about me" reviewers are that way, yes.

Your preference on my posting is noted, and filed where it belongs.

 

[RichardBacula]

Yep, superficial reviews by "it's all about me" reviewers are that way, yes.

I'm glad you understand that about yourself.

And NOW, perhaps we can get over your critique of my critique, the fact that it didn't meet your personal preferences, and let this discussion get back on topic...?

 

[sr71plt]

Not that it's unusual in porn, just unusual in life.

Here's the nub, Richard. This isn't real life. This is a porn story site. So, since you said you couldn't find anything else wrong with the story, you zeroed in on the irrelevant to the context. You just knew you had to comment about something--moving it into the realm of being about you, not about the story or the author.

You didn't even, at this point, say it was personal preference. You were in your professor mode.

Let's see your story collection build for a while to help us determine just how much of a good professor you are.

 

[1sickbastard]

Pretty good story, really! No need for more character depth than what you had, for the tale that was being told.

The only real thing that jumped out at me was that the scene where she walks in and sees Dom could use some work:

"Oh my god, what a huge cock!" Julia thought to herself, she had never seen one that large before. "It must be 10 inches, and really thick..." His masculinity was overpowering. He made Kevin, an attractive man in his own right, look like a sissy by comparison.

Unless Dom is already hard, or unless he's 10" flaccid, I think you're jumping the gun a bit with the at-a-glance measurement she takes of him.

Also, 10" is a LOT of cock for a woman to have slammed into her. Not that it's unusual in porn, just unusual in life. You've established that the girl in question has above-average needs, but I think you're still setting the bar pretty high.
Personally, I try to avoid specific measurements for that kind of thing, because it's all relative. You say something specific like "10 inches," some people are going to think, "No way! That's too much!" Others are going to think, "Is that ALL?" (though I'd wager that the latter group isn't going to know what they're talking about)
By using more generic depictions, you can convey the kind of "wow, is that thing huge!" impression that you're going for, but without threatening to blow your credibility.
Stuff like:
"the biggest she'd ever seen"
"almost twice as long as X's"
"As thick as her wrist"
"hung halfway down his thigh"
"the size of a large banana"
or whatever.

Of course, opinions vary. There are probably people out there who are turned on by specific numbers, and turned off by more general descriptions.

I agree. Descriptions, imo, seem to work a bit better when they leave more open to the reader's imagination, unless a more detailed portrait is germane to the story.
Good story telling always engages the imaginations of the audience.

 

[StrangeLife]

A very fine first effort

And I can tell from the score that many others agree.

The story feels nicely rounded, the pace is good and it has all the character development it needs. Some authors have problems with giving too much information about their characters, but you got it perfect.


And the bad stuff?

Well, like others have said you're skirting the improbable in your physical descriptions...

- "Almost a full year since I've been fucked hard until I cum."

- she had never seen one that large before. "It must be 10 inches, and really thick..."

This hurts the immersiveness by turning your characters from real people into cartoons, and your story doesn't need it.

 

[RichardBacula]

Here's the nub, Richard. This isn't real life. This is a porn story site.

Yup.
Good for you for noticing.

So, since you said you couldn't find anything else wrong with the story, you zeroed in on the irrelevant to the context.

Try that sentence again. If it's really worth saying, do it right.

You just knew you had to comment about something

Nope. I went into the story with no preconceptions, after the author made a public request for comments. If I didn't have anything to say after reading the story, I wouldn't have said anything.
BUT as I already mentioned, that part jumped out at me.

You didn't even, at this point, say it was personal preference. You were in your professor mode.

And you think that the author isn't intelligent enough to read my post, interpret it correctly, and take it the right way, so you jumped in to protect them, making it all about YOU.
Which, the more I read the forums, seems to be your pattern. You hijack threads regularly, making the focus about you and your objections to people's posts than about the original topic.
Just in case you wonder why I'm unlikely to respond to your posts anymore.
I try not to engage with trolls.

 

[sr71plt]

Talk about dropping in on the forum going high speed and taking "I wanna be king of the mountain" potshots . . .

I'll be looking to see what you "show" with your stories, Richard, beyond what you "tell."

 

[lefthandfantasy]

Thanks

Thanks everyone for the critique.

I certainly see the argument against the improbability not only of the size, but the literal measurement in a very inaccurate way.

I think I agree with you RichardBacula that it hurts immersion for a slightly intoxicated and sex-crazed person to say something as specific as "10 inches". While the large size is integral to the story, I was overly descriptive and I will watch for this in the future. (Also noted the flaccid/erect distinction you made, thanks). It is just as effective to imply the size rather than define it.

1sickbastard and StrangeLife, I agree with your statements. Reader imagination is powerful and should be allowed room to improve the story. These specific statements are unimportant.

sr71plt, I do of course agree with you that this is porn and that there is nothing wrong with the choices I've made as far as content. Improbable circumstances can sometimes make for a more interesting story. It's just that my delivery could have been better.

I'm surprised by the positive response so far. Thanks for the feedback.

 

[RichardBacula]

Thanks everyone for the critique.

I certainly see the argument against the improbability not only of the size, but the literal measurement in a very inaccurate way.

I think I agree with you RichardBacula that it hurts immersion for a slightly intoxicated and sex-crazed person to say something as specific as "10 inches". While the large size is integral to the story, I was overly descriptive and I will watch for this in the future. (Also noted the flaccid/erect distinction you made, thanks). It is just as effective to imply the size rather than define it.

Exactly.

I'm surprised by the positive response so far. Thanks for the feedback.

No problem!