First Story

[dirtydaydreams]

Hi all,
Just wanted some feedback regarding this story. It started out as piece of fiction, however, recently the very people I wrote about got together and acted the majority of it out, even staying at the same hotel. I got to see a couple pictures of the nights events. Very hot fantasy that just happened to flesh itself out into reality. I feel that a certain degree of vulgarity is appropriate since rather than a romantic, sensual angle, this story has a very raw edge to it. Thanks.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=263335

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I read your story. I found it quite good for a first timer, luv

There are some things you can do to improve.
1) The title seems rather misleading. The Corvette is mentioned in the first paragraph then disappears. Your title should say something about the story itself.

2) Generally your seem to make long, descriptive paragraphs. That does two things. First it makes your story a little tedious to read. Second you do way too much description. You are Telling me the story, not showing me the story. That's a hard thing to learn because what you have done is exactly how you would tell the story to me or anyone else. But showing me the story takes more thought and imagination. It uses dialogue and imagery. For example, instead of saying Marge smoked, had long blond hair and a fat ass you should do it something like -

Marge wiggled her ample ass and flipped her long blond hair away from her pudgy face as she asked, "Do you have a cigarette?"

It tells the reader the same thing only much more interestingly.

3) I found I couldn't identify with your characters. They seemed whispy and indistinct. Your story is quite short so you had lots of room the develop your characters and make them real. There are two kinds of characters in a story: Main Characters who are fully developed with whom the reader can identify and Background Characters nobody really cares about.

This story comes across as a pure stroke story. You had a really good idea and with a little more polish it could have been great. And I think you will be writing GREAT stories pretty soon, if this is any indication.

If you want to know more, just PM me. I won't bite

JJ

 

[emap]

What she said, and lose the numbers, unless your talking address or phone numbers, numbers really have no place in a story. I mean seriously, how often do you want to know he has a 6 1/2 inch dick, that guy over there has a 7 incher that is about 5 inches around and that guy way in the back has 9 inches?

Works so much better when you say something like, and she went back down to her knee's taking his long cock into her mouth, wrapping her hand around the ample portion not hidden from view.

Oh there is one time when numbers do have a place in relation to describing a person, in conversation. Say you have a petite woman who meets a guy and has to keep looking up to find his face, she will probably go 'Dayum how tall are ya?' At which point he would list numbers, otherwise, keep numbers in math class.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Oh there is one time when numbers do have a place in relation to describing a person, in conversation. Say you have a petite woman who meets a guy and has to keep looking up to find his face, she will probably go 'Dayum how tall are ya?' At which point he would list numbers, otherwise, keep numbers in math class.

And don't forget the great line from Some Like it Hot where the blonde turn to Monroe on the dance floor and says simply, "38." Then Monroe smiles and says, "40."

Talking about their bra sizes, of course. Love that scene and entirely numbers