First story

[inkstain]

Here is a link to my story.

http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=182399

it's a surreal story -- not really horror, but i didn't know where it should go.

i'd love to know what you think about it -- and whether you found the abrupt scene changes confusing or not!

oh, and by the way, there's very little in the way of sex, it's most definitely not a "stroke" story! i promise to spice up the sex in the next one.

thanks,

inkstain

 

[NoJo]

Reading it now... so far, so good. You're a class writer.


Okay, finished. Gave it 5.

Really nice, inkstain. PM me if you want detailed criticism.

For now, I'd say you might want to sort of warn readers at the top what to expect. I am familiar with the genre of this story, but even so it took me a little while to adjust my expectations, becuase it's pretty unusual for Lit.

Joe

 

[GirlMidnite]

Stellar

I am crap at criticism, but I liked this story, it is certainly one of the better written stories.

It's true that erotic content is toned down, but then it suits the story. Too much sex would have taken away from mood that you managed to create. Because of your writing style, it was certainly a worthwhile read.

 

[inkstain]

thank you girl midnite!

i am a bit green when it comes to criticism myself, and to be honest, i don't yet have the confidence to give real feedback here yet!

however i wanted to say here that i really liked your story too!

ink

 

[BlackShanglan]

Dear Inkstain,

Thank you for the invitation to review your story and give feedback. This is the first story I have reviewed in the “Erotic Horror” category, but not the first I’ve read there; I hope that I’ve done it justice. I’ve followed my typical pattern of writing comments as I read, both to capture my thoughts and to let you see how the reader reacts to the unfolding plot, and then summing up with a few comments on main points at the end.

First, let me say how I love the real and physical sense of the wood. The animals and the tree names pull me into the setting and let me see and feel the wood in a real and earthy sense. It’s a minor thing, but for someone like me, who loves naturalistic writing, this is a beautiful image at the opening of the story.

I did find Marie’s actions a little odd. That is, as I move through the story and pause at the first break, my thoughts are something like this: “OK, he’s some sort of strange being capable of moving a beech tree, or a regular human with unearthly power. He’s just revealed that, and she’s freaked. But this strikes her, not when a 50-foot beech trees is moving across the ground, with all the tearing and crushing and crashing that would entail, but when she’s standing on it over the creek?” I had trouble imagining that. (I'll leave that stand as my first reaction, just so you know what I was thinking. It made more sense later with the other dream-like details; it certainly didn’t stop me reading. Rather, it did what I think it’s meant to, which was to make me think “Huh? What’s going on here? Better keep reading and find out.”)

Back at the flat, again, I very much enjoy the little homey details that establish a sense of the place without derailing the action or seeming overly wordy or thrown in. I can feel the flat; it puts me back in my own flat on a cold London night, with the grate whispering and the cold behind the curtains. Lovely work.

I’m curious why “Winter” is capitalized. It would not normally be, and so it draws my attention.

Intriguing with the cocoa stain. You’re certainly making me wonder now. That little odd touch seems in a way to be re-validating the beech tree; that is, you seem more clearly to me now to be saying that something is off kilter, and the rules of the world are being distorted. You’ve got me most curious and eager to read more. I particularly like the contrast, in both sections, between the opening images of earthy and realistic normality and the closing image of a world in which the rules of universe are slipping out from under the reader. That’s a beautiful contrast and very nicely handled.

Summer, too, is capitalized. Seasons are normally not. Half of me thinks, “Hmmm, author is confused on capitalization.” The other half thinks, “Am I supposed to be paying attention to the seasons for some reason? Other than that they are changing? Are they some special hint or embodiment of something?" Even then, I think I would prefer the subtlety of leaving them undifferentiated by capitalization. (But then, I’m not a great Emily Dickinson fan.)

I simply like the line “I waded through the ferns.” Yes. It’s just like that.

Nice work with the scene of them in the bracken. Appealing and pleasant with, again, the unsettling twist – which, by the way, is not feeling predictable so much as almost pleasantly rhythmic. One has the feeling of the veil being drawn back a touch more each time, a little further with every scene – it’s quite enticing, while also growing slowly and subtly more disturbing. I very much enjoy the tension you’re establishing in this work.

I loved the two white dogs, if only because this whole story has reminded me very much of Yeats (he’s big on woods and trees and birds) and the dogs made me see his “white dog with one red ear” that he pulled out Irish myth. That’s undoubtedly not very helpful to you, but I hope more useful is the comment that I like what you’re doing with the mixture of memory, dream, and the symbols that flow through and speak so powerfully and yet so elusively in each.

Spoiler Below

I enjoyed this story very much. My one serious qualm is actually the ending, and I’m afraid that I’m going be very unhelpful here by saying that I’m not quite sure what I would do differently. This may be my own entirely personal bias. For me, physical appearance is very low on my scale of interests. Therefore, having a loved one’s face, or my own face, physically maimed would be a relatively small tragedy. I would be very sorry for the person’s pain and probable unhappiness, but I wouldn’t feel horror – just empathy and sorrow. I felt like the story was leading to something more traumatic or more scary than this, something horrible and shocking. I didn’t find the ending to be that, but then I’m not sure that you wanted it to be. Possibly some of my expectations were built by the genre; it did lead me to expect something creepy or horrifying, whereas I felt more simply sorrow for the characters and a bit of relief that they were out of danger. Tied with that was a sort of bafflement; I’d braced myself for something shocking, and was a bit confused not to find it. I’m not sure what way you want this to go; I can see several ways it could work, either by increasing the shock value of the ending, decreasing the elements of the story that create a sense of coming disaster, or perhaps simply changing the category so that the reader doesn’t go into the story expecting to be horrified.

Looking over your own notes, you asked if the abrupt scene changes were a problem. They were no problem at all for me, and in fact actually helped - that is, I realized quickly that I was looking at a dream world or other altered reality because of the choppy cuts and non sequiturs. It's true that I like this style of story more than most, but personally I would hate to see you change it. Moving from winter to summer was a nice touch.

I agree that it's not a "stroke" story, but it's a very nice piece. I see from your own comments that you weren't sure where to post this, and I agree that it's a tough one to place. I see why you went with horror, although I think it might skew the readings; on the other hand, all other categories also carry a certain amount of baggage with them, and admittedly I can't think of a better place to put it, with the possible exception of "non-erotic" despite the pleasant sensual references. Much as I hate to resort to them, I think that SubJoe may be right in suggesting a pre-text note; normally one hates to do that, but in this case I think it would be appropriate, as it's not really making excuses for the text but rather for the category that doesn't entirely suit it and forms, itself, a sort of pre-text commentary - in this case, not a terribly accurate one.

I hope that that’s helpful in some way. I enjoyed the story very much, and will probably be wandering in my own private beech wood much of the rest of the evening. Thank you very much for that.

Shanglan

(Post script - I'm still sawing back and forth on this. I like the ending better on a second reading. Perhaps I find it more powerful as I think on it longer. It's certainly thought-provoking.)

S

 

[inkstain]

Shanglan, thank you so much for your thoughtful and considered feedback! I'm quite taken aback and extremely flattered by how much care you took reading and commenting on this story!

i hope you're not still sawing back and forth, i somehow have a picture of you with your meeschaum, pacing agitatedly on the persian carpet.

as you can see from my posts, i'm a bit cavalier with my shift-key, and consequently i sometimes forget proper capitalization. Of course you're right, 'Winter' should be 'winter' (unless you're writing in German )

your 'one serious qualm' with the story just goes to show what a good reader you are (as well as writer!), because it is basically a bit rushed. My orginal draft ended with the main protagonist on the sofa in the living room. His wife, terrified of how he would react to her appearance, had been plying him with morphine after the accident in order to delay his coming to full conscessness.

i wasn't happy with that ending, and nor am i perfectly happy with the one i've posted. in retrospect, i think it would have been better if the final scene did not have the presence of another person (a doctor), which would have maintained the pattern of the previous scenes.

thanks so much again.


ink.

 

[BlackShanglan]

i hope you're not still sawing back and forth, i somehow have a picture of you with your meeschaum, pacing agitatedly on the persian carpet.

*laugh* I loved that image. I am an ardent Sherlock Holmes admirer. I'll just dig some shag out of the toe of the carpet slipper and work on the "V.R." on the wall.

My orginal draft ended with the main protagonist on the sofa in the living room. His wife, terrified of how he would react to her appearance, had been plying him with morphine after the accident in order to delay his coming to full conscessness.

How very interesting. In some ways that's very appealing - her willingness to sedate him adds a delicious level of creepiness to it. But I can see that that would be hard to bring to resolution, or to enunciate clearly from his perspective. Still, it has a lovely sort of "Baby Jane" feel to it. Rather tempting

Shanglan

 

[flyer333]

Find a tiny detail to link your characters. I have envisioned one and shamelessly will not share. Use the brain matter.

 

[LuciousBi-Writes4U]

good story... changes are abbrupt, but make sense in the end!

i'm new to posting here as well, and asked for feeback earlier this week myself.... but i liked your work.