First story

[Marriedman2013]

This is my first go at a story on literotica. It's the true account of me and my wife's first step into "sharing".

Anyway, hope you enjoy. Please feel free to give me honest feedback.

https://www.literotica.com/s/first-time-for-everything-29

 

[sr71plt]

This is my first go at a story on literotica. It's the true account of me and my wife's first step into "sharing".

Anyway, hope you enjoy. Please feel free to give me honest feedback.

https://www.literotica.com/s/first-time-for-everything-29

As a short tease, this is fine, and should generate a lot of interest—and the types of comments it’s gotten. For being up one day, you’ve generated a lot of reads, a goodly number of comments, and enough favorites to justify writing it. If you were striking for the voice of an undereducated male (me and her did this and that), you got it, with one exception that makes me think you are a women, not a male writing this about a real experience. I don’t think a male on the educational level you have hit in this story would know a louboutin (which should be capitalized here, by the way) from an aardvark.

The images you provide are fine; leaving out a lot of prepositions that should be there takes the reader out of the story constantly, though, and isn’t fine. Also, all of the Arabic numbers you give should be written out. That they aren’t doesn’t bother me as a reader as much as having to mentally provide prepositions for you. In one spot a “thought” should be “through,” but maybe autocorrect did that to you.

It’s an OK piece, though. You go, girl. Maybe next time you can write more and go further. Even this one should have wound up in the sack when they got home, which would have increased the story in value. Even better would be to invite the taxi driver up and have a steamy threesome. It’s OK to pretend it actually happened but it would only increase in value by making more happen. That's probably what one commenter meant by calling it boring.

 

[Marriedman2013]

As a short tease, this is fine, and should generate a lot of interest—and the types of comments it’s gotten. For being up one day, you’ve generated a lot of reads, a goodly number of comments, and enough favorites to justify writing it. If you were striking for the voice of an undereducated male (me and her did this and that), you got it, with one exception that makes me think you are a women, not a male writing this about a real experience. I don’t think a male on the educational level you have hit in this story would know a louboutin (which should be capitalized here, by the way) from an aardvark.

The images you provide are fine; leaving out a lot of prepositions that should be there takes the reader out of the story constantly, though, and isn’t fine. Also, all of the Arabic numbers you give should be written out. That they aren’t doesn’t bother me as a reader as much as having to mentally provide prepositions for you. In one spot a “thought” should be “through,” but maybe autocorrect did that to you.

It’s an OK piece, though. You go, girl. Maybe next time you can write more and go further. Even this one should have wound up in the sack when they got home, which would have increased the story in value. Even better would be to invite the taxi driver up and have a steamy threesome. It’s OK to pretend it actually happened but it would only increase in value by making more happen. That's probably what one commenter meant by calling it boring.

Thank you for the thought out review.

I'm not uneducated, nor am I aiming for the uneducated reader. I was simply just giving it a go without much thought. But I understand what you are saying.

If we had invited the taxi driver in that time, then I would have wrote about it. I was simply writing what happened. If people find it boring, that's fine.


Thanks again.

 

[sr71plt]

Afraid to say you're likely to continue to get the comments of "too short" and "boring," then, because this is a short story site, not a claimed nonfiction site. Few will give you credit or believability points on an "it's true" claim. Most don't give a care about that claim. If they invest in the read, they expect arousal.

 

[joelafayette]

.....

 

[robertreams]

Yes you should continue writing. That said, the story was not very much. It wasn't even as much as a guy telling a story in a bar. My advice: never tell a true story. All very dull, not even a one on my peter meter. No flair or pizzazz like you would find in fiction. Tell the story, but fictionalize it. Give us reall characters, not just,"my wife" Lie to us a bit to tell a greater truth. (Picasso)

Your story also shows every mark of the beginner.{QUOTE} I could tell she was getting nervous as she was applying her make up so I made her a stiff drink for some Dutch courage. This seemed to settle her nerves a little. This is something we have both wanted to do for a while but I could understand her nerves, I was in the same boat.{QUOTE}
Why not merely say something like:,"She was nervous so I poured her a stiff drink. ( Dutch courage). Then, hands shaking, I poured one for myself.

It is okay for the stranger not to have a name, perfect in fact, but The man and his wife need names and faces and bodies and personalities.

In the cab ride on the way home, could he smell the other man on her? (The kind of lie that makes the story more real.)
Anyway, keep trying

 

[Marriedman2013]

Thanks for all the advice guys. I tried to give an honest portrayal of a couples first step into this lifestyle, but evidently that isn't enough. It wasn't particularly written in order to get people off, as has been a common complaint - that it didn't get people off. However, I would imagine what has developed since this first time would I now know for the future, more detail is needed and if the truth isn't juicy enough then add extra juice.

Thanks again guys, much appreciated