First story--would really appreciate feedback!

[GlenDurwin]

https://www.literotica.com/s/spying-on-lillian

I want to write stories that turn people on and that they hopefully read to the end.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Don't have time for a detailed critique, but some brief thoughts:

The very first paragraph establishes that Aidan has put cameras in Lillian's room, and then the story backtracks to him putting them in. The second paragraph doesn't really add anything of interest to the story.

IMHO this would be stronger if you'd either deleted the second paragraph and just let the story start in media res, or alternately spent more time on the buildup to his decision to install the cameras. Either could work.

The end takes an abrupt turn for the weird, which again doesn't work for me, because it's over so quickly. Probably better either to leave this as a straight E/V story or take the time to develop this new angle of the story a lot more. (And then figure out which category it belongs in, because at that point it's no longer E/V.)

 

[ElectricBlue]

You've got some confusion going on with the "he" "him" references for both Aidan and Dan; sometimes in the same sentence. That slows the reader down, as they have to stop and figure out who is being referred to.

For the most part you are consistent with the present tense, but there are one or two lapses into past tense. Edit yourself tighter, to avoid this.

The ending came in from left field, unannounced. What was a slightly creepy voyeur story lurched into completely different territory, which really needs a different category (Fetish or Erotic Horror, even).

It's very short, so it reads like a rush of your favourite ideas. You've got the rest of your life to write, so don't bundle it all up in your first piece .