First story: too much sex? The Birthday Handjob

[firsttimecaller75]

I would love feedback on this story: The Birthday Handjob. It’s a mind control story, but I am curious whether a) there’s enough mind control in the early chapters, and b) there’s too much sex. Maybe also: c) too much dialogue?

My early chapters got many more readers than later ones, and in particular I am curious if the sex writing is part of that.

Basically, it has a lot of talking and internal monologue, and I worry that I set up the wrong expectations. I was aiming for a slow burn with a larger mystery.

The reason I worry there’s too much sex is that when I look at my own favorite writers (especially the ones who serialize) they often have very little sex in each individual chapter—they let the plot or the seduction drive the story. In my story, there’s enough plot that it would be hard to jump in late, and indeed new chapters are getting a lot fewer readers than the early ones. But often there are multiple sex scenes per chapter. So among other things if you want to enjoy the FF subplot in chapter 7 you have to sit through quite a lot of MF sex writing and M masturbation.

There’s a new chapter in the queue for each of the next several days, and I am currently working on chapter 11.

 

[OnlyHappyEndings]

Views and numbers of ratings can decline for subsequent chapters. That's normal. I think incidental readers tend to skip numbered chapters if they haven't read the earlier chapters already.

You may see the rating scores increase, though, as the readers that remain are more invested in the story.

 

[firsttimecaller75]

Views and numbers of ratings can decline for subsequent chapters. That's normal. I think incidental readers tend to skip numbered chapters if they haven't read the earlier chapters already.

You may see the rating scores increase, though, as the readers that remain are more invested in the story.

Thanks! (It’s notable how often the top-ranked stories in a genre will be chapter 53 of some massive series: only diehards left at that point!)

I would be grateful for any feedback on the story itself, especially the speed of plot progression and/or the amount/quality of the sex writing itself!

 

[APilgrimSquare]

I read the first chapter and skimmed the second.

Praise, first: in terms of sentence-level craft, I like your writing. The diction, the rhythms, the choices. It's all very easily readable. You paint a vivid picture. I think there's a good balance of sex and dialogue, all things considered.

Constructive criticism: Nothing happens in chapter 1! It's short, and all expository/backstory. There's no real narrative hook and I'm not sure what kind of story we're really dealing with, what might await in future chapters. It's not clear to me why we're in Mind Control territory yet. There are pills, so I imagine that's got something to do with it, but chapter 1 is just the backstory of a horny 49 year old and her husband who wants her to be more dominant in bed. It's fun to read about her, but then it's all over just when we get to what might be the good part, or what might start demonstrating just what kind of story it really is.