First Story, Thopughts?

[MikeD93]

So I finally decided to submit a story, I have been lurking around for months and had to the courage to post a story of my own.

http://www.literotica.com/s/welcome-to-the-gym

 

[sr71plt]

For a stroke scene it's probably slightly above the Literotica average. I didn't find the English usage a problem as one of your commenters did (although this sentence doesn't make sense: "Now step come all the way in."). And the parenthetical phrase right after it, if you have to use one, which isn't usually used in fiction, should be after the sentence, not inside it. The spelling is pretty good, though.

It does flip perspective, as one of your commenters noted, but I could adjust to the way you did it, which doesn't mean you couldn't have been clearer with it.

Where it doesn't go much above the stroke scene average for me is that the transition from looking each other over and verbal foreplay to getting down to the dirty is too abrupt. You don't build the tension well and then cross over from shopping to buying well.

The premise is fine--a twenty-one-year-old working in a gym to enjoy cougars, but you could do more with them working to land him while he knows that's what he wants anyway. As one of the story commenters posted, the premise allows for them both to be looking for sex from someone just like the other. With that already established, you have to bring something else interesting to the table other than seduction. You've posted elsewhere, I think, that you want to do a series of these. If so, that's what you need to work on, I think, to rise above the "just another sketchy stroker."

Revealing he was working in the gym was awkwardly done. Also, his relationship to high school is rather irrelevant. He's been out of high school for three years unless he isn't too bright. You could have had him in college for a couple of years and better used the "he's in football team form" reference. At twenty-one he could have even completed college.

Most of the numbers you put in Arabic style should have been written out, which will be disconcerting for readers who read a lot, and some on the forum will slap you with a wet noodle for using a bra cup size.

In all, you have a fine premise for a series of stories, but you could dig a lot deeper for a fresh storyline, for building tension, and then for releasing that tension.

But, you say it's your first try. Every reason to keep writing.

 

[robertreams]

I am not going to belabor anything . Good writing,I am not crazy about the POV, but one thing, watch out for usage like this:

"After showing her the running machines (they also had,) he moved to the free weights." What is the purpose of including "They also had" I don't discern any necessary meaning. WE, the readers, know they had them or he couldn't show them. This is just a hint and a suggestion. look for similar instances in your work.