First Story Review Request

[smugmug]

Hello,

My first story just got posted and I was hoping someone might offer a review. I've gotten very positive feedback from the comments so far which was a thrill I hadn't expected. Here's the link:

My Mystic Adventure (Group Sex)

I would appreciate any feedback from anyone who takes the time to read it. Thanks.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hello,

My first story just got posted and I was hoping someone might offer a review. I've gotten very positive feedback from the comments so far which was a thrill I hadn't expected. Here's the link:

My Mystic Adventure (Group Sex)

I would appreciate any feedback from anyone who takes the time to read it. Thanks.

Very short of time today. Will come back tomorrow after reading it - it is a bit long at 5 pages.

 

[smugmug]

Thanks. Hope you find some time to take a look.

 

[smugmug]

Anyone? Bueller?

 

[OnlyByMoonlight]

Ha!

I'll look at it tomorrow morning and leave a comment. i know how hard it is as a new writer to get critiques.

 

[smugmug]

Thanks for taking a look and the comment. Glad you liked it.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Can understand the good reaction, but you aked for a review.

Had time now to read the story and, whilst saying it is clichéd is an understatement, I liked the island setting and the boats and port stuff. Just thought you'd have done better to get there more quickly.

I thought you could have started the story getting on the plane and let all the stuff about his old girlfriend come out in dialogue, giving yourself a chance to develop Kelly and show off her character. Also, you could lose the full delay announcements and blow by blow accounts – which slow the story – by compressing them into a couple of paras of comment.

In a group sex story, as soon as you say he's been dumped by his girlfriend and a pretty girl sits next to him, we all know where it's going. I think you labor the opening by telling backstory then take ages to catch up with us as we already know she's going to miss her cruise. You could get through that more quickly and concentrate on dialogue to build Kelly's personality. Kim is just a shadow, barely two-dimensional.

For me, you get the pacing and balance a bit skewed. After taking an age to drag us to the crux, you rush the island/boat scenes when I think your story is at its best and there is so much exotic stuff to intrigue us. The sex scene is hurried and for me, despite the dialogue, it is strange to revert to a porno DVD moneyshot scenario when you’ve been developing a relationship throughout.

You have a major problem with tenses, jumping between past and present in telling the story. I think this is because you confuse ‘I’ narrating, ‘I’ thinking to himself and ‘I’ talking to the readers (which really jars).

I also think you beat the ‘muumuu’ joke to death and beyond.

All in all a pretty good start, but I think an editor would help. This seems to me a great first draft that needs tidying up.

 

[smugmug]

Wow, thanks for the insightful comments. This is exactly what I was looking for.

I know I spent a lot of time on detail in the beginning and then kind of rushed things in the end. I think I felt that it was getting too long and I needed to wrap things up. I should have gone back and trimmed and given equal time to all parts.

Yeah, I'm torn between the tender relationship angle and the group sex angle and how exactly to reconcile the two. I thought it still kind of worked that she let her inner-slut come out but had a conscience about it. Maybe not.

I know I bounce a lot with the tenses. I thought it would be OK to shift in and out of looking back telling a story and slipping into present tense to describe it but I guess I should re-think that as well.

I thought the muumuu joke was good. Need a second opinion on that...

So, do people re-post their cleaned up stories or should I just try to make the second installment better?

Again, thanks for taking the time to read it and provide constructive feedback.