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Evilwolf6
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CWatson
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Boy, this reminds me of the days of Tom Swift.
It's a cute tale, and it has the potential to go somewhere, in a Star Trek / Applied Phlebotinum sort of way. But you need to get a lot better at proofreading. Completely aside from the occasional misspellings, you have tons of misplaced capitals and punctuation, often resulting in sentence fragments.
Oh, and, don't even get me started on the adverbs. "simultaneously stated loudly"? Good lord. You could've won a bad-sentence competition with that.
An "adverb" is a word that modifies an adjective or a verb. In the aforementioned sentence, your verb is "stated", as in, "they stated". Your adverbs are "simultaneously" (which modifies the verb) and "loudly" (which, again, modifies the verb). They tell us just how the statement was stated.
Do not use adverbs. Adverbs are boring and lazy. Instead, use interesting verbs. Instead of "stated loudly", how about "shouted"? Instead of "simultaneously stated", how about "chorused"? Aren't these verbs better and more descriptive than "stated"? And it's way more efficient than "simultaneously stated loudly". I mean, jeez. =O Once you're finished writing the second chapter, the best thing you could do for yourself is to run a Find for every instance of "ly". Most of the ones you find will be adverbs. Every time you find one, delete it and change the verb it used to modify. (The next-best thing you could do is go to the Editor's Forum here and get a proofreader. But that's another matter.)
Sorry for being a bit snippy. Hope you find some of this useful.
It's a cute tale, and it has the potential to go somewhere, in a Star Trek / Applied Phlebotinum sort of way. But you need to get a lot better at proofreading. Completely aside from the occasional misspellings, you have tons of misplaced capitals and punctuation, often resulting in sentence fragments.
the error said:
(Remember, if you can't figure out what the correct pronoun would be, remove the other part of the attribution phrase. If we take Simon out of the sentence, which is then correct, "her said" or "she said"?)the correction said:
the error said:
(Learn to use italics. Use them for emphasis and also to delineate when a character is thinking to themselves. Some authors, like Orson Scott Card, don't use italics to delineate thoughts; instead, he pastes his character's internal monologue into a separate paragraph. That's not practical for you. So just use italics.)the correction said:
the error said:
the correction said:
Oh, and, don't even get me started on the adverbs. "simultaneously stated loudly"? Good lord. You could've won a bad-sentence competition with that.
An "adverb" is a word that modifies an adjective or a verb. In the aforementioned sentence, your verb is "stated", as in, "they stated". Your adverbs are "simultaneously" (which modifies the verb) and "loudly" (which, again, modifies the verb). They tell us just how the statement was stated.Do not use adverbs. Adverbs are boring and lazy. Instead, use interesting verbs. Instead of "stated loudly", how about "shouted"? Instead of "simultaneously stated", how about "chorused"? Aren't these verbs better and more descriptive than "stated"? And it's way more efficient than "simultaneously stated loudly". I mean, jeez. =O Once you're finished writing the second chapter, the best thing you could do for yourself is to run a Find for every instance of "ly". Most of the ones you find will be adverbs. Every time you find one, delete it and change the verb it used to modify. (The next-best thing you could do is go to the Editor's Forum here and get a proofreader. But that's another matter.)
Sorry for being a bit snippy. Hope you find some of this useful.
Dragonstaff
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Quote:
Originally Posted by the correction
"The clean-up," she and Simon said simultaneously stated loudly.
You don't need the "said" in this sentence.
And I agree with CW that the adverbs in just this one line are a complete mess. It reads horribly, and is not helped by the aliteration. Try not to have too many consecutive words starting with the same letter. It starts to sound like a tongue-twister
Originally Posted by the correction
"The clean-up," she and Simon said simultaneously stated loudly.
You don't need the "said" in this sentence.
And I agree with CW that the adverbs in just this one line are a complete mess. It reads horribly, and is not helped by the aliteration. Try not to have too many consecutive words starting with the same letter. It starts to sound like a tongue-twister
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