First Story Published

[tazgirl415]

First Story Published...would like feedback/comments

I'm a newbie...first erotica story...and first bdsm story all in one..

A story about Adora...blindfolds, bondage, etc...

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=315355

Appreciate comments/feedback...be gentle (or not!!..)


Taz

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I tried to read it, but sorry, it's not my cup of tea.

 

[Rick_N_Tanya]

Ok, I just read it. While I've never gotten into BDSM, I love your writing style and seriously hope you continue. Great story, and I give you a 5 out of 5. I would love to see you experiment in other areas as well.

I might just have to start reading the BDSM stories....

 

[tazgirl415]

Thanks!!

Thanks drkside...I know that my story isn't for everyone...but I do appreciate the shot!

Rick_n_Tara...I do plan on writing more stories about Adora....in the vein of Star Wars...Episode 1...LOL...Some of her adventures before she discovered her subbie-ness. The next one I'm working on...is pretty much a vanilla type story...with a twist or two...Thank you for the compliment! It really encourages me!

Kisses...from Taz (and Adora)...

 

[Rick_N_Tanya]

Heeeeey, no vanilla here!!!! Hardcore, "bend her over and take her for everything she's worth" or nothin!

Seriously, you're a good author, and keep writing. I'm looking forward to it.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

First let me say BDSM isn't what I normally read. My personal interest level in BDSM is quite low. That said, I do have a few general and specific comments.

First of all, the way you began your story really didn't grab me:

Hello Darling Reader,

My name is Adora. This is a story about Antonio, his wife, his senior sub Angelica, and I. He is our Master. Our Dominant.

Darling reader? BACK CLICK! Get the first few paragraphs right and the reader will forgive a lot of errors and bullshit. But Darling reader just doesn't work. You need a real grabber for a first sentence.

The second thing I noticed occured in the third sentence. You have four people in the sentence (Antonio, Adora, Antonio's wife and Angelica) but only three in the story. I assume Angelica and his wife are the same person. In that case the sentence should read:

"This is a story about Antonio, his wife and senior sub, Angelica, and I." Is that what you meant? I'm not sure.

Then you get into the punishment. The line reads:

It was the sound of Antonio cracking the bullwhip against the floor.

You realize that a bullwhip would cut the skin and potentially break bones? I doubt that Antonio would use a bullwhip or that Adora would much appreciate the effects. I think a cane, flogger or some such would have been more appropriate.

Then you come to this paragraph:

Antonio got up off of the bed, and grabbed my hands, as well as Angelina's. He pulled us into the kitchen, where Angelina had made us all drinks and a snack. Very little was said while we all sipped our drinks, ate our snack, and smoked. It was clear that this was a momentary pause, and not an ending to our time this night. I looked carefully at Antonio, and could tell that he had a great deal going on behind his warm brown eyes. What was he thinking?? I glanced at Angelina, who looked back at me and shook her head from side to side, indicating "no, don't," as she knew it was my nature to question.

I find this rather unbelievable. Antonio leads you both into the kitchen and you sit around smoking and having lunch like break time at the office? It seems more likely, Antonio would have ordered both you and Angelina
to the kitchen to make him lunch etc. This makes him out to be not much of a Dom, frankly.

The the story rattles on to an ending that wasn't really all that exciting for a story in that catagory. But there is another way to look at it.

Your prose is great. Your story-telling abilities are quite good, especially for a new writer. But I think you should have thought more about what the story was before you wrote. This is really a three-some tryst disguised as a BDSM story. You need to do some research and reading for your next effort. The people who read that cat have their own language and conventions that I didn't find in this story.

The story and writing were pretty good. It just wasn't the BDSM story you were trying to write.

The best advice I can give you comes from Writers Market. "Read a LOT and keep writing."

JJ

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Heeeeey, no vanilla here!!!! Hardcore, "bend her over and take her for everything she's worth" or nothin!

Seriously, you're a good author, and keep writing. I'm looking forward to it.

Generally most of us try to comment on the technical aspects of the story. I personally don't let my likes and dislikes color my comments. Reading about someone's flesh being turned into hamburger by a bullwhip is pretty much where I draw the line.

 

[Rick_N_Tanya]

Darkside, my comment was not an encouragement to put somebody through a meatgrinder. It was to explore the sexual aspect of her writing. Maybe I misunderstood the term "vanilla" on that one.

I'm not a professional by any means, so yes, I do let my likes and dislikes color my comments. I'm not into BDSM, but I liked her writing style over the content itself. Having read her first story, I definately think it warranted some honest encouragement because she has a lot of potential in my opinion. It definately does not deserve a "U Suk" from me.

As I read it, I was seeing a black leather clad "Betty Page" type of character in an underground fetish film made over in Spain. Her writing style reflects a lot of John Waters and Quentin Tarantino. Even "Hello Dear Reader" brought to mind that naughty Betty Page "spank me" smile.

Just my opinion, ....... I'm done.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I finally read your story. I didn't particularily enjoy it. I agree with Jenny, I absolutely hated the beginning. As she stated in her critique, it was a definite back click moment.

Overall, your writing was decent, and I think you have a lot of potential.

Personally, I think you could do a lot better than what this particular story showed us.

 

[TheDreamMaster]

I gave it a shot, and I thought it wa spretty good. Like other have said, I enjoy your writing style, but I'm not particulaly a BDSM person. Keep it up.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Hmmm... It seems I missed something obvious in this story. In the introductory paragraph the senior sub is named "Angelica" but then her name changes to "Angelina". Did anyone else catch that?

 

[tazgirl415]

Thanks

Thanks every one for your feedback.

Jenny, I do appreciate your technical critique. I did notice the switch in the first paragraph..the senior sub is Angelina...and I did not catch it in my final edit. I also struggled with the wording in the first paragraph, twisted it several ways...Anyway, yes it is a 3 person story. Clearly a new writer mistake.....and I did submit this to an editor before turning in the submission...hmm..makes me think I need a new one for the next story.

As for the bullwhip, from personal experience, if used correctly by someone who cares what the end result is...breaking of bones and skin is not a guaranteed outcome. If used in a different manner, yes, I agree. The whip cracking against the floor was for Adora...since she was blindfolded...he wanted her to hear what was coming.

D/s does not have to be a "crush under the boot," type relationship. There are all levels of Doms in the lifestyle, and I prefer writing about one who is a caring / gentleman Dom. My personal preference. Does that make him any less a Dom? No, not in my opinion. The line "...Angelina had made us all drinks and a snack..." indicates Angelina had clearly anticipated his needs without being ordered. Only a sub who knows her Master inside out could anticipate what he wants before being asked.


Sitting around on lunch break?? LOL...Ok...this may be telling on myself...but I can't tell you how many times my partner and I have done that. Had great sex...gotten hungry...needed a smoke...All done? Back to the bedroom...rinse and repeat...

I realize after reading the comments, and going back and reading the story in a new light, that all the flubs were "new writer," type things. I did do research on the bdsm factor, and drew from my own experience. I wrote this story without so much as an outline, note cards, or notes of any kind. I just sat down and wrote it, changed some bits here and there, and sent it to an editor. Ameturish? Yes, I agree.

Will Adora's next adventure be a little more polished? You bet.
Will I take more time to write the next one? Uh huh

I needed the critique, Jenny, and I do appreciate it. Hugs to my buddy Rick!

Working on story 2 as we speak...

Taz