Thank you for your honest feedbackHi Cherry, congrats on posting your first story! I'm going to give what I hope is some constructive feedback and encouragement to keep going.
First, I think you've got the core concept of a hot little scene here. It's not my fantasy, but I can see the appeal, the thrill of being desired by strangers, the hint of danger, the idea of being so hot that the burglars would risk coming back just to see you
But. This isn't really a story so much as a set of notes about a fantasy. The point of view is kind of all over the place, at points it sounds like you're talking directly to the reader, at other points it takes more of an omniscient third-person perspective.
The dialog is formatted... really weirdly. Almost but not quite like a script, not a natural narration of people speaking to each other. I would highly recommend @FrancesScott 's How To Punctuate Dialog as a resource for writing speech both more naturally, and more grammatically.
It's also extremely short, basically as short as Lit's story submission system will allow. That doesn't provide any space for setup, foreshadowing, conflict, resolution... the parts of a story that make it a story. I think you could have taken your time to flesh this out a bit, and you'd end up with a much fuller story that still maintains your fantasy!
I'm not totally the right person to say that, because I'm often tempted to skip steps in order to get a story out the door. But it's worth taking your time, focusing your attention, and crafting something to be proud of!
Thank you for the shout out!
