First Story - Professor Seduced by Sexy Mature Student - Seeking Feedback [Erotic Couplings]

[cally420]

Greetings, fellow Literoticans!

Longtime lurker, first time poster. I took a crack at writing some erotic fiction. Not my first STORY ever, but certainly my first erotic fiction story.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-professor-an-awakening

I'm reasonably pleased with how it turned out, but I'd love to hear what the community thinks of it. Any and all comments welcomed, and I'm happy to reciprocate (literarily) if folks give me a review and/or critique. You're not gonna hurt my feelings, so don't feel a need to pull your punches or sugarcoat criticism. I am a veteran of a thousand edits with my other stories, so I ain't gonna get all up in my feelings if you don't like something in this one.

I'm honestly not sure how this landed where it did. This was 100% pantsing, starting with a guy at a desk and I knew I wanted him to have some sex. It all just grew organically from there.

Yours in lusty prose,
Cally420

 

[Zeronix]

I quite liked it overall! Some good stuff in there. Loved the characterization of Jason and Lena. Their dynamic was pretty fun as well.

I'm going to leave some comments now, which are mostly negative and unfiltered thoughts. This is because I think negative comments are the most useful when given as feedback. That said I want to stress that I liked the story overall.

Some high-level comments.
- The transition from gentle, tender Jason to dominant Jason felt really abrupt. ("I will take you and leave you undone.") What made him change so quickly? This transition could have been done better, e.g. with inner voice.
- Your prose feels repetitive. E.g. on pg2 the whole first half of the page has alternating paragraphs that start with "Jason..." "Lena..." "Jason..." "Lena...". It gets stale after a while and feels a bit lazy.
- I feel like you have a lot going on in the story without enough breathing room. Kissing, spanking, vanilla sex, oral sex, anal, etc. Things move really quickly and we never really get to 'savor' any individual moment before you move on to the next thing - the whole sequence kind of just melts into this smear of events that I lose track of. Put another way, I can't feel the emotional weight behind any of the things they're doing, so the individual plot points feel kind of hollow.
- The emotional tone is a bit monotonous. I feel like for much of the story they're in the same playful, teasing dynamic. You could consider adding some variation, e.g. moments of vulnerability, authenticity, etc.
- Lena in particular feels one-dimensional - there's nothing to her beyond lusting after her sexy professor.
- The ending felt kind of abrupt. I got to the end of pg4 and it ends on 'they walked across the campus and into the city.' And this just never gets resolved. Kind of a WTF moment.

Other stylistic comments. (which is plausibly my own preference)
- It's confusing when you suddenly switch between POVs, which you do multiple times (e.g. when you have consecutive paragraphs with different characters' inner voice). I think you should anchor the reader on a single character, and demarcate changes in POV clearly (e.g. with '---' or other markers.)
- There are multiple 'events' / 'scenes' in your story, and multiple corresponding rising / falling actions. I think it's a good idea to demarcate different 'arcs' separately. I also use '---' for this.
- Paragraphs are a bit too long and clunky for my liking. IMO a paragraph should be 'atomic' - describing a single moment in time + relevant thoughts, responses etc.
- Generally it's hard for me to imagine what's going on because of these issues. And so as a reader I feel less compelled than I otherwise might be.

P.S. thanks for the comment on my post the other day!

 

[cally420]

I quite liked it overall! Some good stuff in there. Loved the characterization of Jason and Lena. Their dynamic was pretty fun as well.

I'm going to leave some comments now, which are mostly negative and unfiltered thoughts. This is because I think negative comments are the most useful when given as feedback. That said I want to stress that I liked the story overall.

Some high-level comments.
- The transition from gentle, tender Jason to dominant Jason felt really abrupt. ("I will take you and leave you undone.") What made him change so quickly? This transition could have been done better, e.g. with inner voice.
- Your prose feels repetitive. E.g. on pg2 the whole first half of the page has alternating paragraphs that start with "Jason..." "Lena..." "Jason..." "Lena...". It gets stale after a while and feels a bit lazy.
- I feel like you have a lot going on in the story without enough breathing room. Kissing, spanking, vanilla sex, oral sex, anal, etc. Things move really quickly and we never really get to 'savor' any individual moment before you move on to the next thing - the whole sequence kind of just melts into this smear of events that I lose track of. Put another way, I can't feel the emotional weight behind any of the things they're doing, so the individual plot points feel kind of hollow.
- The emotional tone is a bit monotonous. I feel like for much of the story they're in the same playful, teasing dynamic. You could consider adding some variation, e.g. moments of vulnerability, authenticity, etc.
- Lena in particular feels one-dimensional - there's nothing to her beyond lusting after her sexy professor.
- The ending felt kind of abrupt. I got to the end of pg4 and it ends on 'they walked across the campus and into the city.' And this just never gets resolved. Kind of a WTF moment.

Other stylistic comments. (which is plausibly my own preference)
- It's confusing when you suddenly switch between POVs, which you do multiple times (e.g. when you have consecutive paragraphs with different characters' inner voice). I think you should anchor the reader on a single character, and demarcate changes in POV clearly (e.g. with '---' or other markers.)
- There are multiple 'events' / 'scenes' in your story, and multiple corresponding rising / falling actions. I think it's a good idea to demarcate different 'arcs' separately. I also use '---' for this.
- Paragraphs are a bit too long and clunky for my liking. IMO a paragraph should be 'atomic' - describing a single moment in time + relevant thoughts, responses etc.
- Generally it's hard for me to imagine what's going on because of these issues. And so as a reader I feel less compelled than I otherwise might be.

P.S. thanks for the comment on my post the other day!

Thank you, Z! Much appreciated. Your comments are on point and, broadly, I don't disagree with 'em.

The story (in my head at least) is a bit like Chapter 1 of a longer thing, which it may or may not become. I also typically write 1stP or 3rdP restricted, so I was playing with head hopping a bit, which is how it landed on the back-and-forth.

Onwards and upwards!
C