first story posted .. what do you think?

[-scarlet-]

Hi everyone!

My story, Real Time, On Line, was just posted, and I would love feedback from you all!

This is my first story that I've had posted anywheres, and I am a bit nervous (albeit excited nervousness) and am anxious to hear your reactions.

The story is under the category of BDSM, and can be found under new listings.

Thanks for your time!!

scarlet

 

[Natural Born Eros]

I'm not really qualified to talk about BDSM. I don't write about it, don't read it, and don't participate in it! However, I can make it easier for other reviewers by providing a link to Real Time On Line. It is relatively easy to add your own links, next time you are posting a message, click on the words vB code at the bottom left of the screen.

I hope this helps, and good luck with any future postings.

Eros

 

[dr_mabeuse]

You needn't worry. The story is very well written and very well paced. The only error I noticed was that you switch from addressing your Master as "He" to addressing him as "You" about halfway through.

There's also the problem of switching between what you write on the computer and what you say aloud. One place you stutter as you answer him on the computer, which made me wonder if you would actually write a message like that.

I have some problem with the central concept too, so I'd really like to see you do some more conventional ideas, or at least some that don't involve this problem. But I like the way you write. It's clean and to the point.

---dr.M.

 

[kristydoll]

Hi scarlet,

Congrats on your first story - must feel great *smiles*

At first, when I started reading this, I thought she was on a webcam with him. Later, I did not think this to be true and I was disappointed by that. I think that it would have worked better for me if he was "watching" what she was doing instead of having to be "told".

The story is not bad at all but it was like reading a "chat" screen. This may not be a problem to your readers, but it doesn't do anything for me personally. While I see writing like that in chat all the time, I know of no one who actually speaks that way. In that aspect, it rings "false" for me.

But continue writing - good job!

kristy

 

[gauchecritic]

Not my thing but...

I thought that was a really good piece of work. Easy to read (no skimming) a well worked idea (when it could have been so dull) and though it didn't make me hard (not my 'thing') it did make me smile all the way through.

Two small points;

As the Dr. mentioned the switching of viewpoint, I can see why that's occurred and I cannot see how you could change it without a total rewrite.

She was typing all this with one hand??

As for the stuttering and being able to 'hear his voice' This was clear as soon as I began to read, whether you wrote it like this is another matter. As soon as he began typing I saw it as a 'Jumping Jack Flash' deal. (The film? Whoopie Goldberg? Helping the spy escape from Russia? )

Nit picking;

"pulsating pussies" and "quivering cunts"? Hmm. Not really. Forget the alliteration and try a little onomatopoeia. Really.

One "juices" and no sweat. It may be a personal thing but for me nothing enhances a sex scene more than lubrication of whatever kind. Words such as glistening, glowing, dripping, sliding you get the picture as would your readers.

Panting, chest heaving, gasping, whispering, all very descriptive, image creating and seductive. More chances of enhancement and enchantment missed.

"..and for fucking me like the slut I am deserves."

Would be much better as "...and for deservedly fucking me like the slut I am." or "...like a slut deserves."

Gauche

 

[-scarlet-]

Thank you all for your comments, I appreciate them all, and hope that you will continue commenting and reading my stories as i post ....

-scarlet-

 

[-scarlet-]

would still love to hear more comments .... thanks!

 

[the_bragis]

Hello scarlet,

Congratulations on posting your first story. You write well. You have already been given excellent advice, so there's little I can add.

I thought this was good and different, and extremely good for your first effort. I positively cringe when I am brave enough to look back at the first story I ever wrote.

Like kristy, I do enjoy bdsm stories, but I couldn't really get excited by the chat room feel of this one. Now, that's not to say others won't. I agree it may have been more interesting if he had been watching her through a web cam. I think it would have given your story a lot more intrigue.

This is what I noted as I read it:

You have missed the inverted comma at the beginning. It's a small thing, but it means the reader isn't aware it's dialog until the end of the sentence. Particularly at the start, may be jarring.

He went on to tell me that he had a serious hard-on, but had to be in meetings all day long, so I had better be ready that night, for him to use for His pleasure, and it would be for His pleasure only.

This is good stuff, only I would have rather have heard his word than yours. Like you have done later in your story.

"Are you ready, my little whore? I shall make you pay tenfold for the position you put me in today. Your description of last night's escapade played in my mind all day, my cock aching for release."

This is good, it brings him to living breath full colour life for the reader.

"Right away Sir," I write, as I sit down on the hard chair, scooting my burning ass to the edge.

You have switched from past to present tense here. You need to stick with one or the other.

cummmmmmmmsssssss …………. Yeeeeeeeessssssssssss

You may want to reconsider using excess letters like this again. If you read the posting "Top 10 Most Hated Sex Story Clichés" you will see that this is one pet perv many people share. (Use only three periods too.)


I wish you well with your future writing,

Have a great day,

Alex.

 

[Jocund Day]

Not bad, Scarlet, maybe this is what Miss O’Hara really had in mind when she used the phrase “fiddle, dee, dee.” Do you suppose they had bondage and domination in the antebellum South? Rhett did tell her that she needed to be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how. Have you been channeling? Maybe Mammy could hold the leash taunt, and the Tarleton boys, Brent and Stuart, could double-team her while Rhett applies the horse-whip to those pert, upturned, belle-of-the-ball breasts, knocking that little French bonnet on her head askew? She would, I think, never be truly hungry again. But, I digress.

A very good effort, I think. It has drive, vividness, tension, more than a few ringing phrases, and, above all, efficacy. An erotic story that fails to redirect the blood flow is worst than a waste of time, it’s a gyp. Yours worked on me (and BDSM usually does not). I see a budding gift for commonplace but telling imagery and another for the rhythmic control of dialogue (rhythm, in sex as in fiction, is a powerful tool).

You should drop the unorthodox capitalization (“He” or “His” is customarily reserved for reference to an acknowledged deity, not a generic, real-time one). It stops the flow.

You should review the rules concerning dialogue and the paragraph.

You should pay more attention to detail (missing quotation marks, missing words, narrative gaps, dropped tense, the “technical” stuff that you’ll have to master if your fiction is to be taken seriously, is to move your audience without leaving an amateurish aftertaste).

You should read everything in your genre of substance that you can find.

Hope this helps, thanks and good luck,
JD_______________________
“A writer should know too much.” Ernest Hemingway

 

[hiddenself]

UNorthodox? Since when?

You should drop the unorthodox capitalization (“He” or “His” is customarily reserved for reference to an acknowledged deity, not a generic, real-time one). It stops the flow.

Yes it does have an impact on the flow if you're not used to it. But UNORTHODOX? I don't think so. It is pretty standard in BDSM.
hs