First Story Posted! What do you think of it?

[Nymphonan]

I just posted my first story to this site. I am very excited about it and very pleased that the first three (ok the only 3) feedbacks are positive. Would like to know what some of the more seasoned writer think of it and hear suggestions that might improve further submissions. Chapter 2 is in the works and I want to make sure that it only gets better!

Thanks for any help you can offer!

Here is the link to the story. Thank you for taking the time to read it and letting me know what you think.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=148566

 

[Guest]

OK. I will write as I read . . .

- The set up: a popular format in this category.

- The use of brackets (Parentheses)
I'm often guilty of this, but is it a lazy writing to use brackets?

- "This was going to be interesting! ...Snip... So, between the thoughts that had been running through my head, not having any panties on, the denim rubbing against my nipples and the swat on my ass, my pussy was really throbbing now and was practically dripping wet. "
But the narrator already knew how it went.
Would "This was going to be interesting! I thought, then." be better?
"... my pussy was really throbbing now and was practically dripping wet." would be a little inconvinient since the narrator is about to go out without her knickers. It sounds as sexy as catching your favourit uncle masterbating while writing erotica.

Skim

Skim

Skim

- "When we were both totally spent, he gently removed the vibrator, released me from my restrains, removed the blindfold, kissed my tenderly and held me in his arms where we both feel asleep bringing an end to this adventure. But, now the real fun begins, I get to start planning our next adventure!"

Pretty standard Lit story. I'd give it a 4.

Next!

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Very much a list of what was done, and she didn't have much emotional depth or range. Everything seems kind of "golly gee whiz". She gets excited and stays excited, and that's about it. He shows no emotion at all.

So it was kind of thin for me. No emotional richness or any of that mixture of darkness and desire and self-discovery that gives BDSM its special flavor.

I think if you want the next chapter to be better, you're going to have to work on giving your characters a little more depth and a wider emotional range. Let her be embarrassed by her reactions to him. Let her fight against him a little bit, not physically, but mentally and emotionally. Make him work a little bit more for her. As it is, she practically spanks herself.

Also, I think it would better if you saved us a lot of the editorial comments ("It was going to be an interesting evening.") That's one of the pitfalls of writing in first person: that you're always tempted to talk directly to the reader rather than let the action tell the story.


---dr.M.

 

[Nymphonan]

Thank you

ChilledVodka and dr_mabeuse -

First I want to thank you for taking the time and trouble of reading my story. Thank you for the honest and constructive critisim. I really do appreciate the comments because that will help me become a better writer and improve as a contributor to this site. I will definately keep your suggestion in mind as I create any other stories.

Thanks again,

 

[Rainbow Skin]

The feel of it all is more Erotic Couplings than BDSM. It's a loving couple with a pleasant bit of spanking and teasing. Now I don't read BDSM and have no personal interest in it, but from what I do see of it it seems to have a lot more real fear, pain, uncertainty, and humiliation, so that although you freely enter into it you wish while the pain was going on that you hadn't.

The story is fine as such: I can't see anything really wrong with it, in terms of how to write. But it doesn't come across as exploring BDSM territory.

 

[Nymphonan]

BDSM vs Erotic Coupling

Thank you for your comments Rainbow Skin

The question of where to place it was in my mind too as I submitted the story. Do I submit it under BDSM or Erotic Coupling? My first instinct was to put it under Erotic Coupling and perhaps I should have gone with my gut. Does any one know whether once the story is submitting and posted, the catagory can be changed? I really debated with myself on where to place it.

Thanks everyone for the help, suggestions and encouragement.

 

[Guest]

Yes.

PM Laurel.

 

[Nymphonan]

Yes.

PM Laurel.

So, ChilledVodka do you think that putting my story in erotic couplings would be a better placement than it being in BDSM? I know that you had some other suggestions as well which I am going to really look at before submitting "Chapter 2". Thank you for your help.