First Story Posted, Opinions Please??

[AmazonWarriorPrincess]

I just wrote and successfully posted my first story. I had never tried truly writing before, and would like some feedback on it. Its called "The Vixen and The Wolf" and is under the Erotic Couplings category, though I might move it to Romance once I start adding more chapters.
I would love to hear your thoughts about it, both good and bad. Please let me know what I did well and where I need to improve. Thanks!!!

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-vixen-and-the-wolf

 

[PennLady]

I think this is a good first effort. There are a lot of little things I see that could be fixed, but it's not bad. A second pair of eyes probably would have picked these things up, so it might be worth your while to find an editor.

The story/situation itself wasn't all that original, but that's not necessarily a problem, just an observation.

First thing I noticed was repetition -- Nick was always "smirking." Mocha also used "sassy" a few times, although not as often as smirking. Sometimes, I think, writers just get hooked on a word or phrase and don't even realize it and maybe that's what happened here.

I'm not sure if you meant that Nick was really pansexual, or more bisexual. And although I get it in terms of general gender roles, I don't think it necessarily follows that because he is pan or bi, he is then submissive with guys and dominant with women. It's certainly possible, but I don't think it's a given.

Given that Nick has just been released from prison, and no reason is given, Mocha's ease around him is a little odd. She's only eighteen, he's five years older -- I would think that she might be a little uncomfortable around him. Unless she knows why he was there, or grew up with him or whatever, but that's never stated. But mostly it feels like you tossed in the prison and cigarette as just an easy way of making Nick a "tough guy" but then you never follow through on it.

And here's an example of the little errors that could use attention:

"What? I can't hear you." I half shouted of the noise of the tractor.

"What? I can't hear you," I half-shouted over the noise of the tractor.

 

[AmazonWarriorPrincess]

Thank you!!!!

Thank you for your response PennLady!!! I tried looking for an editor, but there are so many for my catagory, I didn't know where to begin. If you have any recommendations, that would be fabulous.

I now see I was more than a little repetitive. Thank you for pointing that out!!

I will definitely look into improving my characters and their interactions.

And I admit I am ashamed of that typo seeing as I am quick to point out typos to other people. -_-

But thank you so much!!!! Your feedback has really helped me see some the areas of my writing that need work!!!

 

[AmazonWarriorPrincess]

Still Hoping For Feedback

I'm still hoping for some feedback...

 

[thecuriousgeorge]

I thought it was good-- seems like you left it open for them to go other places. I like a bit more kink than romance, but just my preference

 

[Legalsnoop_98]

PennLady, that was awesome feedback! I'm sure it was greatly appreciated. I wish more people would leave in depth feedback like that. My first story has a lot of reads and only 2 feed backs one of which was spam. If you would be so kind to read and critique mine I think it would help me out a lot before I start Chapter 2. http://www.literotica.com/s/the-present-ch-01-1. Any ideas or comments would be greatly appreciated.

 

[CeasarBoobage]

Nice work for a first submission! Welcome to Lit!

There were very few errors in spelling/punctuation as well. (I'm fairly sure it should have been boss' instead of boss's)

In addition to PL's comment about pan/bi, I think maybe he could have left it more open for interpretation, maybe expressing a preference in chapter 2. Instead of outright saying he is pansexual, he could have said "I like all types, don't judge," or something like that. If it weren't for spending entirely too much time here on the Lit forums, I wouldn't have even known what 'pan' means!

In the same vein, if he explores his pan side, you may want to include a quick header before the story starts to say it's not merely M/F interaction. Readers can be fickle and will get pissy if they see stuff that they don't expect. It may help prevent 1-bomb votes and evil comments.

Next, listing specific sizes of their various bits can take away from the story, depending on the reader. If it's more vague, some readers can better picture the events when they put in their own measurements. This topic is actually a frequently discussed topic here in the forums.

Overall, it's a good good read. Good luck with the next one!