First story posted in Literotica!

[Devil_PS]

Hello, I'm mostly here to expand my horizons after posting stories in other sites but glad to be here in Literotica. So thought to start with a fairly recent story as the first to post here! A fantasy short starring a regular character of mine. Due to some character limits, shortened the title and summary accordingly!

https://literotica.com/s/kayla-and-the-oni-from-the-east

The prompts that inspired this were both East meets West and violent yet totally consensual sex. It was originally in my author's section of Naked Blades and though not perfect (hence my post here), I hope this comes across as an entertaining read!

 

[Devil_PS]

So far so good in views but I suspect my tense issues might be there. Nevertheless still looking for possible feedback!

 

[TheRedChamber]

A good first story for the site. It avoided a lot of the usual fantasy issues of being too long and having too much world-building informaton and got more or less straight into the action. I didn't notice any tense issues and those usually leap out at me. These are the things I noticed about it.

1) Consider the following paragraph.

"...You done?" Hana muttered between labored breaths as she simply sat close by. The Oni's robed top may as well be practically paper as her bare breasts are shown to all. She winced upon touching her own bruised body. "For a mortal, you fight well." She gritted her fanged teeth, her hand wiping the blood dripping from the side of her mouth. "When we fought the giant serpent, I thought there was a fellow sense of kindred warrior spirits between us." A weak chuckle came out from her lips. "Perhaps I was wrong when you left?" The Oni couldn't help but give a solemn tone as she said this. "Or did I do something to offend you enough to back out of our deal?" Kayla cringed as she could hear of all things sniffling.

This breaks down Hana's dialogue into five different sets of quote marks, with quite long action descriptions between them. Generally focusing on what characters are doing while speaking is good, but this is a bit much for one paragraph and not all of it is strickly necessary (we could lose the chuckle and the solumn tone could be conveyed by the dialogue). Lots of your paragraphs have multiple speak sections and it makes the dialogue and action more difficult to follow than it needs to be.

2) You're obviously not striving for authenticity medieval dialogue but even so some of it comes across as too modern. Fuck and cunt are good old fashioned Anglo-Saxon words, but 'freaking','for fuck sake','background checks','sightseeing','...and shit' seem a bit too anachronistic to me.

3) The fight is a little unsatisfyingly written to me. It's four paragraphs long and two of those are short and saying what people expected to happen and, again in the fourth one you've got a lot of dialogue intersperced. If you cut after saying it was little more than a bar room brawl and then have Kayla wake up having lost that would be fine, but as you start to describe the fight in earnest I felt it needed to be a little more dramatic her. Shorter paragraphs and a little more sense of who was winning and losing at each stage might help here. Also you use the word 'bluenette' in the middle of the paragraph - it's a bit of fun word play, but you probably don't want it to be too distracting in the middle of the action, especially as you use it again a few lines later.

 

[Devil_PS]

A good first story for the site. It avoided a lot of the usual fantasy issues of being too long and having too much world-building informaton and got more or less straight into the action. I didn't notice any tense issues and those usually leap out at me. These are the things I noticed about it.

1) Consider the following paragraph.



This breaks down Hana's dialogue into five different sets of quote marks, with quite long action descriptions between them. Generally focusing on what characters are doing while speaking is good, but this is a bit much for one paragraph and not all of it is strickly necessary (we could lose the chuckle and the solumn tone could be conveyed by the dialogue). Lots of your paragraphs have multiple speak sections and it makes the dialogue and action more difficult to follow than it needs to be.

2) You're obviously not striving for authenticity medieval dialogue but even so some of it comes across as too modern. Fuck and cunt are good old fashioned Anglo-Saxon words, but 'freaking','for fuck sake','background checks','sightseeing','...and shit' seem a bit too anachronistic to me.

3) The fight is a little unsatisfyingly written to me. It's four paragraphs long and two of those are short and saying what people expected to happen and, again in the fourth one you've got a lot of dialogue intersperced. If you cut after saying it was little more than a bar room brawl and then have Kayla wake up having lost that would be fine, but as you start to describe the fight in earnest I felt it needed to be a little more dramatic her. Shorter paragraphs and a little more sense of who was winning and losing at each stage might help here. Also you use the word 'bluenette' in the middle of the paragraph - it's a bit of fun word play, but you probably don't want it to be too distracting in the middle of the action, especially as you use it again a few lines later.

Thank you for the feedback. I was told in college that despite being born in the states I have a very strange way of conveying words as if English was a second language. A form of ESL in my writing. My parents are Vietnamese and I have for years wrote messages to them in a way they could understand which have affected my writing and thought processes when it comes to it. It also unless I really pay attention mix my tenses. So hearing it's not that bad is quite relieving.

The world where Endis resides is kinda like a mix of modern and fantasy with a lot more emphasis on the latter but yeah, it's hard to explain.

But yeah, I like knowing what I could have done better with the story, what I'll need to do to make things flow better, and overall it felt nice to get feedback on my prose after years of very unusual script writing in my past.

 

[Lovecraft_Lore]

You fell into the trap of telling not showing. It was about 90% two characters in dialogue.

Anywho... I gave it 5 stars. Oni are always fun.

 

[Devil_PS]

You fell into the trap of telling not showing. It was about 90% two characters in dialogue.

Anywho... I gave it 5 stars. Oni are always fun.

Well, I'll take that. Thank you.

 

[ElectricBlue]

This breaks down Hana's dialogue into five different sets of quote marks, with quite long action descriptions between them. Generally focusing on what characters are doing while speaking is good, but this is a bit much for one paragraph and not all of it is strickly necessary (we could lose the chuckle and the solumn tone could be conveyed by the dialogue). Lots of your paragraphs have multiple speak sections and it makes the dialogue and action more difficult to follow than it needs to be.

The OP was lucky this got through Laurel. Usually, poor dialogue paragraphing gets the story rejected first time around. Something to fix.

I think anachronisms such as you mentioned would grate. They'd be like a movie glitch, a Roman soldier wearing a watch, or an aircraft flying overhead in the wrong era.