First Story On Lit - Please Comment

[Eschiava]

Hi,

I know this subject is overdone, but I would really appreciate comments and suggestions on my story.

The story is "High Stakes", about a woman that gets tricked into a poker game in a public place which turns out to be a lot more than she bargained for.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=493044

All comments and constructive criticisms are welcome. Thanks!

 

[soflabbwlvr]

A very nice first effort.

Hi,

I know this subject is overdone, but I would really appreciate comments and suggestions on my story.

The story is "High Stakes", about a woman that gets tricked into a poker game in a public place which turns out to be a lot more than she bargained for.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=493044

All comments and constructive criticisms are welcome. Thanks!

First of all, there were some spelling, punctuation and grammer problems that an editor would have spotted and helped you to eliminate. But they were not so egregious as to detract from my reading of your story.

Overall, I would say it was nicely done. I liked the fact that you did not launch into sex immediately, but instead built the tension to a nice boil. I like the way you told a story, rather than just described a sex act. A little more description of the characters would have been helpful. I don't think you even mentioned Stefanie's age.

The only major departure from reality that I had to accept was the notion that this could all have taken place in a public bar. Maybe if you had moved the card game to a private room in the back of the bar, it would have worked better. I understand that the public aspect was an important part of the story, and I enjoyed that part. I just had to ignore the extremely low probability that this could ever happen in this manner.

The way you describe Stefanie's descent from 'married woman having a ladies night out' to 'gang bang slut' was both hot and credible. She didn't merely act out of character; rather, you very ably described her seduction by Alec and the opening of her mind to the possibilities-- and inevitablity-- of the final result. It was a gradual descent, which made it believable and enjoyable. I'm not sure that I buy Alec's final speech, but it leaves me looking forward to the next chapter. Send me a pm when it is posts so I don't miss it.

However, the one glaring error that was a distraction was the paranthetical explanation of Alec doctoring her drink. You slipped out of first person and into third person for that one paragraph. It was a jarring transition. A better way to convey that information might have been to say something like:

"I did not realize until I got home that I was much too inebriated for having consumed only two drinks. Alec must have slipped something extra into my margarita."

That way, you maintain your narrative voice.

All in all, well done.

 

[Eschiava]

Thank you for your comments. They are much appreciated!

And regarding the parenthetical explanation of drink doctoring, I just couldn't come up with a better way of getting that in there, and your solution is perfect! Thanks again.

 

[1001buzzwords]

Hi Eschiava,

I enjoyed your story. You have a nice way with words, and that is a great strength. I thought some of the mechanics of the story were a bit rough. For example, when you discover you aren't wearing panties I didn't believe you didn't feel it before, but wasn't convinced that your surprise was a genuine part of the good girl -> slut transition.

I realize poker is important in this story, but as a non-player I thought some of the card business went too long. I also thought the game should have been moved to a private room... one where you "neglect" to notice the change.

If you will be revising the story any, I'd be interested to see the progress. You took your clothes off for us with style and enthusiasm. And now you're opening yourself to public inspection of your work. How sexy is that!

Bottom line... 3 thumbs up.