First story - Lust in La Jolla

[DITF]

Over the last couple of weeks, I've been submitting the first parts of a story series that I finally decided to write, called Lust in La Jolla. Chapters 1 - 6 are posted, and 3 more are submitted, which brings me up to where I am at with the writing.

It tells the tale of Jake, a young man returning to the place he grew up, but due to changes in himself, his experience is completely different than he expected. This is a slow-build story as he adapts to his new reality - my intent is that the story is as realistic as possible, that the reader doesn't have to completely suspend disbelief as he/she reads.

I am looking for both critical feedback on what I have written so far, as well as suggestions as to where this might go. I have around 40 chapters roughly outlined - Jake has a LOT of adventures, but I'm very open to ideas.

Also, I am looking for some expert input in certain technical areas where I don't possess much personal knowledge, but I want to make the story as realistic as possible. Here are some specific questions that would help me write upcoming chapters:

1. circa fall 2008, what would be the best cell phone for Jake to buy that would allow Jake to send photos/mini-videos of his new female friends to Kari, to get her direction?

2. Some details around what Jake would encounter (besides a few hot women) in a martial arts center in Southern California. What should Jake's martial arts specialty be, and why?

3. Jake is going to get some gigs playing piano at a local coffeehouse. What should he play?

4. Jake needs biker clothing, since he is getting the Kawasaki bike. What does he need? Where would he buy it?

A link to Chapter 1 is below.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=466129


Thanks in advance for your input!

Drawn into the Flames (DITF)

 

[bwallard]

You're telling us too much.

And I think, not sure, that this is a story about a man who has difficulty relating to women because of the bond he feels with his colleagues, some of whom may actually be friends.

That could be a way crazy interpretation, I know and I'll back off at the first objection, but I wonder why the set up is about the going away party. You don't close that. There's real feeling about the leaving and then we trundled off into a boink scene that comes off mechanical.

So you've got two stories: the going away party and the boink scene. Maybe you can fit them together. but it feels to me like the boink scene is running away from the real story.

Call me crazy or stupid. It's just a hunch.