First Story, Looking for Feedback

[Nola]

Hi everyone,

I've written and posted my first story. I don't really consider myself a writer, but when this story came to me I had to put it down on (virtual) paper. I don't know if I'll be inspired again, but I hope so. Please let me know what you think.

Teasing Her Husband

Thanks,
Nola

 

[CelticFrog]

Nola,
Great story. Pretty readable, with a few small (not quite pet) peeves that made it slightly harder for me to read. I personally felt that you started too many sentences with 'he' or 'she'. It started to feel like there was only one sentence format you felt comfortable using. For example:

She grinned and said, “Thong.” His eyebrows shot up. She slipped out of his grasp and turned her back to him. She lifted up the back of her skirt and flashed him.

This was great, but it could have been better. Although I'm sure others' style may be different and anyone is perfectly entitled to disagree, this is how *I* would have written that passage;

Grinning, she said "Thong." When his eyebrows shot up, encouraging her, she slipped out of his grasp and turned her back to him. The back of her skirt flipped up revealing the naughty panties.



This passage frustrated me.

Just then, she heard their youngest son over the baby monitor. Sigh. Oh for the days before they had kids. Those lazy weekend mornings when they could wake up together, make love, doze, make love again, etc. She waited a moment to see if he'd go back to sleep, but no such luck. She glanced at her husband one last time, pulled the covers back up to his waist, and got out of bed. Guess she'd have to wait until after the boys' bedtime tonight.

For a few reasons. Sigh, itself, is not really a sentence... instead, maybe "Just then, she heard their youngest son over the baby monitor *and sighed.*"

Oh, for the days before they had kids. A few things about this. Although sometimes I reminisce about my childless days, I never EVER think "Oh, for the days before......". I'm sure some people do. I just don't, so my reading caught a snag as I thought about that. Also, note that I added a comma. Also, the sentences didn't really flow to me, probably the "she did this" and then "she did that" thing again.

"Guess she'd have to wait....."
Maybe instead of putting a weird point of view in there (IMHO), a different perspective on that sentence could be:
"Realizing she'd have to wait until after the boys' bedtime THAT NIGHT (maybe/maybe not a better wording... the past tense/future tense thing always screws me up...), she sighed again, walking down the hallway to her sons' rooms."

Just my overbudget $.02, take what you like and leave the rest.

Ang

 

[Rainbow Skin]

This is your first story? It's very good. It's well structured and there are no significant flaws in the writing.

I'd echo what CelticFrog has said. Neither quibble detracts much from it; this is just a final polishing that could improve it.

First for the 'she' and 'he'. As you don't name them, you necessarily have to use these a lot, so take the opportunity to rephrase some sentences. Your sentences can be a little bit short, and therefore abrupt, in places:

She put on her white thong panties and white push-up bra. Then she slipped on her favorite sundress. It was pale pink with tiny dark pink rosebuds all over. It had little buttons from the hem to the neckline.

Two beginning 'she', then two beginning 'it': they could be combined into two longer sentences without repeating the pronouns. Removing some of these dulling repetitions would give greater contrast to this excellent passage, where you do really want the repetition:

She made sure he got plenty of views of her cleavage and her legs. She'd brush against him when they passed each other. She'd grab a quick squeeze of his butt. She played footsie under the table. She nibbled on his neck while he was on the computer. She blew in his ear when he was reading. She'd kiss him a bit longer and press herself a bit closer than she normally would. She did all she could to ensure that she'd get the hard fucking that she was craving.

Second, for the colloquial tone. When you write a first-person story, or a third-person one where it's told from right inside one person's head, you usually write it as a narrative, not an actual transcript of their inner monologue. You can do inner monologue, but it needs to be consistent.

What you've done is write mainly straight narrative ('she thought...'), but straying into the immediate content of her thoughts ('no, his cock'; 'Sigh. Oh for...'; 'His eyes nearly bugged out of his head!'; 'Ahhh.'). This comes across the way a change of point of view would, even though both modes are showing her thoughts. You can do this, but it has to be carefully handled. Be conscious of the shift from saying she found this exciting to expressing her excitement.

Another minor point: don't ever use 'etc.' in fiction. The list of three or four things is fine as a representative list, and you don't need to spell out that there were other things involved. If the other things were at all significant, you should have mentioned them anyway, not bundled them into 'etc.'.

Congratulations on such a good start. You're a natural writer, and with thought and practice the polishing I'm talking about will come easily.

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Congrats on your first story. It was nicely done and reflects a lot of what housewives, like myself, go through when they want to get a little quality time with hubby and have kids. I personally could relate to the wanting to do something kinky, such as spanking, and didn't really have a place away from kids to do it., very frustrating.
You did a good job with descriptions and setting a good flow, very nice first story and good luck with your future works.

Wicked

 

[CelticFrog]

Rainbow,
I like what you said about the etc. not 'belonging' in fiction. Rereading it, I found that trying to think up things to go in the 'etc.' category detracted from my enjoyment, especially with good examples already given.

I always do love your feedback
Ang

 

[Nola]

Thanks!

I just want to thank you all for the wonderful constructive criticism.

CelticFrog and Rainbow Skin, I see exactly what you're saying. Thanks for pointing those things out.

Wicken-N-Erotic, I'm glad you liked it. I had fun writing it.



Nola

 

[Ian Scott]

Feedback on "Teasing Her Husband"

Hi, Nola~

I really liked your story. It is refreshing to read about a married woman who loves her husband so much that her passion for him overflows into her thoughts, as well as her daily life.

The opening paragraph is great. The second paragraph seemed to stagger without really defining the moment. (It is not necessary to be really exact here; let the reader use their imagination to "see" what you want them to see. Show, don't tell.)

I like the way you meshed spanking with happy lovemaking. The story had a playful edge to it I rather enjoyed. You write well, and apart from a few grammatical errors and weak sentence structures here and there, "Teasing Her Husband" was a creditable first effort. All you need is polishing, and that will come in time, through much practice...and reading everything you can get your hands on. I hope you write another story. I'll be looking for it.

~Ian

 

[CelticFrog]

one last thing

Please all, forgive my heat muddled mind but I thought of one other thing -- this story is in Loving Wives, where ordinarily I would expect to find it, but by Laurel's definition it might not generally be found. I say this (probably without making much sense) because I worry, Nola, you might not get as many views/reads that you well deserve (I still find myself thinking about some of the passages occasionally, which has only happened with 4-5 stories to date). I read through it almost expecting to see wife-swapping or something like that with the way the Loving Wives category is set up. I preferred it the way it was written, however, so this is not necessarily feedback but instead a heads up.

Like I said, my mind is overheated and I need to jump in a pool full of ice water, but it's always boiling by the time I can get it filled!!!

Take care
Ang

 

[Nola]

Ian, thank you for your kind words. I truly enjoyed writing this story. Although it is not a true story, it was certainly inspired by similar circumstances and feelings.

Celtic Frog - Where do you think it should be posted? I submitted it to the Erotic Couplings section, but it was posted in Loving Wives. I also thought that most of the stories in this section were about wife swapping. I am glad that you enjoyed my story and flattered that it is still on your mind after several days. That is probably the best compliment I could get.


Nola

 

[SupremeDuplicitee]

*below is an example of how I may have started your story. You version, although not bad for a first timer, needs to flow, let the words take the reader where you want them -- not like traffic signs by starting each sentence in almost obligatory fashion. You have to caress your readers, entice them. Engage the senses: What do they see, feel, taste, smell? Make them want what you plan to give them. Vary your sentence lengths, also, (tip) when describing your characters -- don't lump the description into one sentence, even one paragraph. Show us a little more as the story unfolds. We don't need to know that someone is, handsome, hung, tall, blue eyed with salt and pepper hair all in one breath. Keep in mind, these readers are looking for a story -- a style, they don't see that often. You want them to come back to see what else Nola has for them. A good author will develop a fan club, and cherishes each and every moment. You obviously have a desire to write, keep it up, you'll get there. And we'll be waiting.
***
In the early morning light of what promised to be another sweltering day, Nola lay in bed eyeing her sleeping husband. That morning-manly scent hung heavy in their cozy bedroom, launching a consentual attack on her nasal passages. Sprawled on his back, hands cushioning his head as if relaxing on a crosstown bus, Mike's eyes danced lazily under his heavy lids. No doubt enjoying a sexual romp, in his morning dream state. Working her way down from his handsome face, Nola felt a familiar warmth as she admired his new chest and abs. Oh yes, his exercise program was working quite nicely, for both of them.

She smiled, the tenting sheet gathered loosely at his waist validated his arousing dream. His penis -- cock, as it was standing proud, was begging for attention. Licking her lips involuntarily, she toyed with greeting Mike with a lovely blow job to jump start his day. Perhaps even straddle him, slowly, so he can awake to find himself someplace much better than a mere dream can provide. Her urge was great, and she leaned toward his lovely cock -- but their child obviously had needs as well, as his crying suddenly filled their room through the monitor.

Waiting a short while to see if he would drift back to sleep, she listened attentively. Visions of devouring her husband's cock drifting through her mind -- the crying intensified.

"Rain check, lover?"

As if to motivate her return or jump start her own day, Nola peeked under the sheet, sighed ... and tumbled out of bed.

 

[TabooTeller]

Hi everyone,

I've written and posted my first story. I don't really consider myself a writer, but when this story came to me I had to put it down on (virtual) paper. I don't know if I'll be inspired again, but I hope so. Please let me know what you think.

Teasing Her Husband

Thanks,
Nola

I read it and liked it. Some others had some valid critcisims but I am not as critical a reader as some. I thought the whole idea was well done. Its the type of story that could be true and I wonder if it is at all based on true life but in either case, it was erotic and I think there will be readers who would not mind if you wrote more.

 

[CelticFrog]

where does this story belong???

Nola,
I agree with your having posted it in Erotic Couplings. That's where I would have expected to find it. Everything you said is true, and I agree about how most of the stories in Loving Wives seem to be about swapping. I generally don't read those sort of stories, as it's not really what floats my boat. Therefore, I was pleasantly surprised with your story but also mildly frustrated with its ending location. I wonder why Laurel did that? I also am now finding myself wondering how, if I have to dig through all those loving wives stories to find ones like yours, how I'll survive the trip without getting irritated.
Glad you clarified that for me, Nola.
Ang

 

[Allanon_the_Druid]

Hi everyone,

I've written and posted my first story. I don't really consider myself a writer, but when this story came to me I had to put it down on (virtual) paper. I don't know if I'll be inspired again, but I hope so. Please let me know what you think.

Teasing Her Husband

Thanks,
Nola

Hi Nola!

Well, I don't believe anyone would have suspected this was a first story if you had not said so. Very well done. Btw, waking up to my wife riding up n' down on my cock is one of my greatest wishes! And your description of what it is like to be creative with kids in the house is right on. My wife and I have played out almost the exact scenario in your story many times, including the spanking. And my wife never feels I spank her hard enough either

There is always ways to improve, and the ideas the others have listed here are very good, but the story is a solid offering...keep it up!

 

[CWatson]

I'm not gonna put much critique up, just echo what everyone else has said. Me, I kinda like how none of the characters have names. Using "she" constantly to start a sentence does get repetitive, but the thing about good writing is that it redeems (at least to some extent) those lesser flaws, and I didn't find it bothering me much. Same with the shorter, somewhat telegraphic sentences. There's something to be said for long, flowing lines of prose; but there's such thing as going overboard, too. What can I say, it's personal style.

Overall, I'd have to say: Wow, keep writing! Would that everyone's first offering showed this kind of promise! (And this kind of grammar! )

 

[Nola]

SupremeDuplicitee - Wow, what you wrote doesn't even sound like the same story! We'll see what happens if I write another.

TabooTeller - Thank you. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

CelticFrog - Maybe husbands and wives aren't allowed to have "erotic couplings"?

Allanon_the_Druid - Thanks for the compliment. It is nice to know there are other couples out there like us.

CWatson - I'm glad you enjoyed my story. I've seen too many stories where a name changes somewhere along the way. I thought the best way to avoid that would be to leave the names out. I never really thought about how repetitive it might get. I'll have to keep that in mind.


I'm sorry I have to lump all my responses into one post, but I just can't seem to keep up with individual ones. I hope that is ok. Another story idea has come to me and is starting to gel in my mind, so maybe there will be another submission soon.

Thanks everyone.


Nola