First story, It's a hot Non-consent abduction plot, piz feedback.

[snuffalupicus]

Hiya all,

(Dungeon Slave, Snuffalupicus, Non-consent)


I wrote this story after reading quite a few others posted on lit in the same section. Ive tried a lot of genres on the site but always found that rape and control just made the sex more of an incident and really got me off

I wanted to get into the psychology of the characters and really develop them, I'm not sure how effective I was at that but that was what I was going for.

The controller in this story is a serial kidnapper and rapist, the woman is just an innocent and hardworking corporate girl. after being with him for months she becomes changed by the experience, and has feelings of eroticism toward her captor

I plan to write many continuing parts to the story, and Id like to know what direction would be most liked by my audience and what they think Ineed to work on to be an entertaining and interesting author
thanx guys.

 

[hiddenself]

"First story, It's a hot Non-consent abduction plot, piz feedback."

Very modest too. HOT according to...?

 

[English Lady]

Hell if you don't have a high opinon of your own story..no-one will



Hi snuffalupicus!


I read you're story and i loved it. I thought it was inovative, a totally different angle on the non-consent situation,least i have never seen a story quite like yours before.

Your use of language is beautiful and everything flows well.

I am not the worlds greatest at picking up on spelling and grammar mistakes,but I didn't see anything wrong from that perspective at all.


My one negative comment is the way it ended. Is this a larger story split down into chunks? This chapter does not end very well, it sort of peter's out.

Still a fantastic first story!

 

[RollingThunder]

Nice Going Snuffie, it sure worked for me. Get out another one quick.

 

[Howling_Ire]

wow

Great story! But i want more! i need more!

your detail is good and i like the build up of the story elements.

 

[BrownCuriousity]

great non consent....

like another poster said, it peters out towards the end, however overall its pretty good.

 

[Hotcappucino]

An interesting and unique story. I thought you established Michael's background very well at the beginning.

I was surprised with Denise's description of herself at the beginning of her interview:

I had long styled hair, with highlights. I was the picture of commercial beauty. Everyone loved me at work, the men hovered around my desk every day. I gracefully turned down all of their advances, my career was the only thing I cared about.

I read on to see if she was really that conceited, because it didn't seem believable that someone who didn't have an overinflated opinion of themselves would say something like that.

His pecks popped out in between his sinuous shoulders and arms.

Besides "pecs" being misspelled, I thought this was an unnatural sentence for someone to say aloud.

"duck-taped" should be "duct-taped."

"it was like being en-caved" -- I'm not sure what you meant by that word.

To me, the way the story was written was a little confusing, because the story seemed to switch at times from Michael's first person perspective, listening to Denise giving an interview, to Denise narrating a story in the first person. And the way you wrote a number of lines didn't sound like one person talking directly to another. For example:

Ignoring my pleas, he continued to whip me.

I can't imaging Denise saying it exactly this way to Michael. I could imagine her saying something like "He just kept whipping me, even though I begged him to stop" or "I kept pleading with him to stop, but he just kept whipping me."

Another example:

He said sternly, "Bitch, stay still and accept your punishment.

Can you imagine Denise actually saying this during her interview? If you add "she said" to the end of that sentence, it better illustrates my point:
"He said sternly, 'Bitch, stay still and accept your punishment,'" she said.

Unfortunately, I can see that the one big problem that you'd have if you did try to make the dialog more like an actual interview: you'd lose a lot of the descriptive detail. Maybe you should try changing the perspective around from first to third person and have Denise's story unfold as a recollection of her memory, rather than actually have her telling Michael what happened.

The end of the story is a bit confusing, especially the explanation about Billy not lying. There has to be a few other more important reasons for not wanting to pick up women in bars besides not wanting to lie to them. Not wanting to be seen in a public place with the victim would be my first guess. The adrenalin rush from physically overpowering your victim while capturing her would be another.

The last two paragraphs were too brief. I understand that you're trying to say that the FBI agent feels he has a little bit of Billy in him, but, to me, it sounds like you just threw together some vague ideas just to close the story.

Personally, I would have waited another chapter (or two) before Denise started responding sexually. That is, since she's been held captive five months total, why have her give in to her captor from day one (or hour one)? To me, it would be more believable and interesting had Denise resisted (at least emotionally or mentally if not physically) her captor for a few days; at least three or four days would have to go by before the "Stockholm Syndrome" kicks in. The Stockholm Syndrome, as an FBI agent would know (and which you have an opportunity to have Michael explain to your readers), is the phenomenon where a hostage (or victim) begins to identify or emotionally bond with their captor/abuser. Maybe that's a direction you could take your story. Show the gradual transformation of Denise from unwilling captive to willing sex slave/partner, although I understand you also have Michael's relationship with Billy to develop and expose as well.

As far as punctuation goes, first have a look at how you use semicolons and commas. You use both a lot, sometimes incorrectly. I'll just point out one example:

"She was wearing a black skirt and a blue flower print blouse with a v-neckline; revealing her cleavage. Old scars lined the top of her breasts and her hair was very short, it was only an inch or two long at most."

A semicolon is used to separate independant clauses (a clause which contains at least a subject and verb, and expresses a complete thought) which are related to one another. "Revealing her cleavage" is not an independant clause because it doesn't make sense standing by itself, so you should use a comma instead of a semicolon. The next sentence, however, uses a comma to separate two independant clauses; you should have used a semicolon there instead of the comma.

Second thing, related again to commas, is how you write your dialogs. A comma, and not a period, should be used to separate the quoted parts from the non-quoted parts of a sentence:
"Yes sir." She confirmed, raising her head and nodding.
should be
"Yes, sir," she confirmed, raising her head and nodding.

Third thing I noticed is how you didn't use opening quotation marks when a person continued talking through a series of paragraphs. You were correct in not using closing quotation marks at the end of a paragraph until the very last one, but you need to use opening quotes for each paragraph where the same speaker continues to talk. Granted, this is going to make portions where Denise says what she and Billy say kind of odd looking (you have to use single quotes around the kidnapper's dialog), but it's the correct thing to do:

"'This is your new home, Bitch. Now turn around,' he said.

"'No!' I screamed. I started to stand up and tried to punch at his exposed groin.

As I mentioned earlier, maybe you should just try changing the perspective to third person and have Denise's story unfold as a flashback or recollection, rather than having her trying to tell it aloud. That would avoid the messy quotations.

All in all, a very interesting story, one that is unique and has a lot of good potential for expansion. And I liked how you made Denise a 49er -- I grew up in Long Beach so it was nice seeing something familiar.