first story in the works, please give feedback

[burrish]

This is my first story and it is short but i would like some feedback on what to do to improve it. i am hopeing to give to hubby as a present since i am always saying i don't have any fantasy's, well i have found a fantasy and i want to to be as good as it can be.
so any thoughts or anything you can give me please do. thank you
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I'm lying sound asleep but I keep feeling this tickling sensation over my
stomach. I'm slowly awaking to the smell of fresh roses. What in the world
is going on, I think to myself. My pussy is wet, my flesh is hot and I keep
feeling this soft flutter over my nipples and stomach. My senses are coming
alive and now I know I smell roses. I start to think “Where am I at, what is
all over me making me feel all funny and wet.”

My nipples are hard, but there it is again, something soft glided over
them. Oh, something is touching my pussy. I am now awake and find that I am
covered with freshly tossed rose petals. I am lying on silky satin sheets
and Phillip is gingerly kissing my thighs. He lifts his head up and runs a loose rose
petal over my erect nipples, he sees that I am now awake and very surprised
to see what is going on, but I don't protest. Rising slowly he flicks my
nipples with his moist tongue and runs his fingers over my clit, feeling the growing moistness of my slit.

Oh . . . that feels so pleasing, I whisper in compliance. Titillating my neck with
his kisses as he pushes my hair to the side. His leg steers my legs further
apart so that he can usher his tool into my love hole.

"Fuck me, I beg, fuck me don't make me wait."

Oh, you will get the fucking you want just be patient, he whispers in my
ear as he guides my face closer to his. Kissing me long and hard he penetrates my mouth with his tongue. It's as if he is feeling for something, I am so
horny I want his cock to fill me. My legs wrap around his strong hips
pulling his cock closer to my pussy. Feeling his bulge caress against my well-manicured home plate.

"I want to feel all of you, he says, I want to make you scream." He moans
as he pierces his cock into me, making me arch my back to meet his blow. He rises me up to meet his gaze, with his hands he runs his fingers thru my shoulder length chestnut brown hair, he takes a rosy nipple between his lips and rolls it over his teeth.

Red and white rose petals spring up and down on the bed as he makes sweet love to me. With each lunge of his hips his cock fills my love hole ever more. Gliding in and out with every rhymic vibration he stipples my clit with his finger. My breathing becomes more intense with every pulse of his member abusing me.

"On your knees, I want to fuck you like a bitch." He demands.

I jump at his demand, "yes fuck me, fuck me I am your bitch!" As he starts
pounding me, my ass vibrates with each jab making me grab the sheets and scream in delight.

" I am your bitch, and I have been bad." With that he smacks my ass, and
says

"Take your punishment bitch and you better like it."

Oh, my ass is being turned red with his punishing slaps, my pussy is
dripping with wetness, I reach between my legs and start rubbing my clit,
he's moving faster and deeper, I can feel his cock throbbing as it moves
inside me.

He reaches down and grabs a tit, rubbing and pinching the nipple,

I scream for more, "please fuck me master, fuck your bitch, I have been so
very bad, punish me."
He moans, as his body slaps against my ass as he fucks me with his massive
cock. His balls slap against my pussy, his fingers continue to roll and pinch my nipples.

"Oh, my sweet bitch, I'm going to cum," he moans. With this he grabs my
shoulders and thrusts deeply with his cock as his body vibrates I keep humping my ass drawing out his release of seed in me.

"Let me have it, I want your seed, fill my pussy, Phillip." With that his
body shakes and with sweat beads rolling off his face he collapses on my back forcing my hard fucked body down onto the bed.

He lies on me motionless my pussy is full of his seed. I feel him soften and slowly his cock retreats from my love hole. Rolling off me I go down on him to softly suck and lick his cock clean of every drop of his sweet seed.

 

[hiddenself]

He'll probably enjoy it. But objectively speaking, it is not a particularly unique fantasy -- a pretty straight-forward "he woke me up and fucked me hard" kind of thing. But you gotta start somewhere, no?

The writeup is mediocre and it could use some serious editing.

Watch your dialogue: sometimes you are missing quotes, sometimes you forget to close them, etc.

"Fuck me, I beg, fuck me don't make me wait."

Oh, you will get the fucking you want just be patient, he whispers...

"Fuck me," I beg, "fuck me, don't make me wait."

"Oh, you will get the fucking you want. Just be patient," he whispers...

You are also inconsistent in how you write thoughts -- sometimes you use quotes, sometimes you don't:

What in the world is going on, I think to myself.

I start to think “Where am I at, what is all over me making me feel all funny and wet.”

Many people prefer to simply italicize internal thoughts:
What in the world is going on, I think.

Others use single quotes, whatever. You just have to be consistent.

Now, quite a few expressions are really weird sounding and even incorrect:

I think to myself (?!) -- is there any other kind?

I whisper in compliance (?!) -- in compliance of what?

Titillating my neck (?!) -- huh?

He rises me -- He raises me

Stipples my clit (?!) -- I had never even heard of "stipple," I doubt this is a standard use?

Finally, I am not sure how they go from the rose-petal covered foreplay and gentle lovemaking to trash talking, slam-bam hard fucking. There is no transition, no explanation for the mood switch.

And where did the "master" thingy come from? It just appears out of left field with no warning.

Oh, and I really *really* don't like the word "seed" but that's a personal preference.

All in all, hubbie is probably going to be thrilled (as long as you don't demand rose petals every morning from now on), but as a story it is not particularly ambitious or well done. There's a difference between personal fantasies and telling a story to a partner and writing up a story to captivate a general audience. But again, you gotta start somewhere. And you did.

 

[burrish]

Thank you very much for the feed back. it is my first story so i don't really know how to say things, describe things all that good stuff, so thank you for pointing those things out. i was hoping it was a little better than that, but knew that it wasn't. i am glad you were honest. i will keep working on it and hopefully in the new future i will post a revision.thank you, heather

 

[dr_mabeuse]

It's kind of hard to critique something that's this personal. If you were subvmitting this for publication here, I would pretty much second everything that HiddenSelf said. From a personal point of view, I would have to say that referring to your pussy as "home plate" or your "love hole" is a turn-off, but that's just me. For all I know your husband might really enjoy it.

Knowing how to "say things and describe things" is pretty much the central problem in writing, and there's no easy fix for it. That's what all writers have to struggle with whenever they sit down to write. All I can recommend is that you put yourself into your fantasy as deeply as you can: see it and feel it, and then describe it as well as you can. Stay away from decribing how you feel, and see if you can express what you feel in terms of what you do in the fantasy.

Since this is a gift for your husband, it seems off that you refer to him in the third person. Most beginning writers would probably write something like this is second person, using 'I/you' rather than 'I/him'. On the other hand, most people here would probably say that they hate reading second person stuff. It's different if you're the one being referred to as 'you' though, and it might help you get more into the fantasy. It's also a way to tell him more directly what you fantasize about him doing.

The last thing I would say is that for a fantasy, this is pretty tame stuff. A fantasy is usually where you really cut loose and indulge your wildest and hottest imagination, describing things you might never really want to do but that you still find erotic; public sex, BDSM, group sex, outrageous positions, sex toys, things like that. You've really got to look inside and see what kinds of things turn you on.

If your husband is like most men, the more outrageous the fantasy, the more he'll like it. Instead of letting him swat your bottom a few times, let him take you over his knee and spank you. Maybe he'd like you to dress like a naughty little girl. Maybe he'd like you to dress like a teasing little bitch. Find out what really turns you on and tell him about it. That's probably what he really wants to hear.

---dr.M.

 

[hiddenself]

The last thing I would say is that for a fantasy, this is pretty tame stuff. A fantasy is usually where you really cut loose and indulge your wildest and hottest imagination,...
---dr.M.

Hey, drM, don't be too hard on her on this one. You missed her statement that she didn't have any fantasies up to now -- that she's been a fantasy virgin so-to-speak. So, it's understandable that she'd start tame. She'll get the hang of it and let loose pretty quickly, I am sure.

 

[Pure]

Hey it's a start. It's good you got something down on paper, and probably he'll be happy with it.

You might think about having more 'story' and 'character' elements. I think the fact that it's you and him lets you take it easy in that dept and assume the people are known. Think of your readers, and that they might wonder 'who are these guys, besides hot fuckers?'

This is not to say that you're to tell, 'he was in my highschool English class,' but you can suggest character through thoughts and memories-- doesn't your mind ever 'take off' into non immediate things, while fucking?

The main thing is you're starting to let loose and that's good. some terms may excite you or him, but think also of the reader. I'm with the guy who said 'love hole' is not the most erotic term I know. Even 'hole' would be preferable. Same for 'tool'.

I agree also, that the 'master' stuff has to be tied in, better, either as 'standard practice' [my master was waking me up, again, to service him] or as surprising turn, for example. If one had 'discovered' this about the other [if he were to discover she like to be a slut or called that], for example, that would be more interesting that just having master/bitch talk start up for no reason the reader can see.

Keep writing and let loose your imaginings. The details of quotation,etc. can be dealt with more easily that the content issues.

J.

 

[kiltsr4guys]

Good

Good one got my attention.........any possibilty of a follow up to this?