eyerhymes
Virgin
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2024
- Posts
- 8
Hey, I'm EyeRhymes. I've recently shared my first story here--my first attempt at sharing something erotic anywhere. It's called Nine Years, Eight Months, and a Day.
I'd love to hear your impressions or feedback, positive or negative so that I can improve for the next one. Feel free to point me to a story of yours so that I can return the favor!
The story involves three scenes in a changing, long-term relationship between a man and a woman. A lot of introspection and doubt. Some (hopefully) believable characters. Some loose connections and (maybe) unclear motivations for you to puzzle out.
The steamy parts involve mostly oral sex and briefly some Dom/Sub dynamics (though it's not explicitly a BDSM story).
I think this was my favorite standalone line (lines?):
"Lying in the dark, cheek on her thigh. I hide secret intentions. I lurk. Five, ten seconds. I send my tongue, shearing, geologically slow, over the surface where it rests, until the motion is no longer met with jerks and heaves. Only then, I'm ready to begin again, workman-like now, polishing a river stone."
Maybe that piques you, or maybe it's already too purple.
Do you find the writing rhythmically pleasing?
Is it too pretentious?
Is the story-flow unclear?
Would it have been better with more lead-in (the beginning feels a little out of place to me, but I knew I wanted to focus on three frozen moments in time, so I tried to get to the point)?
Any parts that bugged you (or *crosses fingers* delighted you) in particular?
I guess, most of all: does it do anything for you?
I'll take any feedback you have. Private feedback should be enabled on the story, in case you don't want to be seen scalding the poor newbie. Thanks so much in advance!
Happy writing!
(oh and one more thing, if this kind of thread isn't the done thing, someone give me a bonk and I'll remove it. I also tried the new story advertisement thread, which is probably less invasive, but seems to be less about feedback which is what I care most about.)
I'd love to hear your impressions or feedback, positive or negative so that I can improve for the next one. Feel free to point me to a story of yours so that I can return the favor!
The story involves three scenes in a changing, long-term relationship between a man and a woman. A lot of introspection and doubt. Some (hopefully) believable characters. Some loose connections and (maybe) unclear motivations for you to puzzle out.
The steamy parts involve mostly oral sex and briefly some Dom/Sub dynamics (though it's not explicitly a BDSM story).
I think this was my favorite standalone line (lines?):
"Lying in the dark, cheek on her thigh. I hide secret intentions. I lurk. Five, ten seconds. I send my tongue, shearing, geologically slow, over the surface where it rests, until the motion is no longer met with jerks and heaves. Only then, I'm ready to begin again, workman-like now, polishing a river stone."
Maybe that piques you, or maybe it's already too purple.
Do you find the writing rhythmically pleasing?
Is it too pretentious?
Is the story-flow unclear?
Would it have been better with more lead-in (the beginning feels a little out of place to me, but I knew I wanted to focus on three frozen moments in time, so I tried to get to the point)?
Any parts that bugged you (or *crosses fingers* delighted you) in particular?
I guess, most of all: does it do anything for you?
I'll take any feedback you have. Private feedback should be enabled on the story, in case you don't want to be seen scalding the poor newbie. Thanks so much in advance!
Happy writing!
(oh and one more thing, if this kind of thread isn't the done thing, someone give me a bonk and I'll remove it. I also tried the new story advertisement thread, which is probably less invasive, but seems to be less about feedback which is what I care most about.)
