First story finally published!

[ameliajax]

First story finally posted!

Hey all,

I've finally got my first story posted. I would love some feedback!

Reading through it, I see some typos I missed, which makes me cringe. But so be it. I felt like if I kept fussing with it, I would never get the guts to post it.

It is definitely chapter 1 in a series. So here's a question ... should I have included that in the title? Is the title too ... vague?

Does the story leave you wanting more? Thanks in advance!

http://www.literotica.com/s/her-left-arm

 

[lovecraft68]

Hey all,

I've finally got my first story published. I would love some feedback!

Reading through it, I see some typos I missed, which makes me cringe. But so be it. I felt like if I kept fussing with it, I would never get the guts to post it.

It is definitely chapter 1 in a series. So here's a question ... should I have included that in the title? Is the title to ... vague?

Does the story leave you wanting more? Thanks in advance!

http://www.literotica.com/s/her-left-arm

Chapter one would be helpful, but as long as the next one carries "Chapter Two" people will be able to follow it on your page.

Also if you want to add Chapter one, simply resubmit the story with the title and Chapter one and the word edit.

It will take a few days, but eventually replace the original and have that in the title.

 

[chocolatecookie3]

For me it was too strange to get into. I could definitely feel the tension and the atmosphere but I spent too much time trying to figure out who, what, where, why? I think even in a short intro like this, you have time to take breaks in the action and explain what in the world is going on. Or maybe not. Some readers are willing to wait until chapter 2.

 

[Bramblethorn]

For me it was too strange to get into. I could definitely feel the tension and the atmosphere but I spent too much time trying to figure out who, what, where, why? I think even in a short intro like this, you have time to take breaks in the action and explain what in the world is going on. Or maybe not. Some readers are willing to wait until chapter 2.

Same here. Too many new things all at once.

 

[barrymanilow]

Yeah I'll have to echo what the previous comments said. If you're going to create a whole bunch of new supernatural elements that we aren't familiar with you need something of a longer set-up and introduction instead of just throwing us right in and sort-of explaining things as they happened. I know the focus was on the sex, but you can't just introduce such bizarre otherworldly elements without giving more of an introduction. Where are they? You say the girl is a half angel with a split personality, but no mention of who/what the guy is at all or why he has such a weird name. Does he have any powers? Is he also an angel or some other entity? Who is this Wrath entity that they're fighting?

It also seemed very odd that they would be so focused on having sex while this evil demonic creature was after them. Shouldn't they take care of the creature first and then have sex later? That didn't seem realistic. But maybe you have an explanation - I don't really even understand what they're supposed to be exactly (deities of some sort?) so maybe they're so incredibly focused on sex and having them have sex while their lives were in danger was a purposeful decision on your part to show just how obsessed they were? Or was the guy purposefully having sex with her in order to turn her into the berserker because he knew that was the only way they could kill the Wrath thing?

It's hard for the reader to feel tension when they don't know the rules of the universe, so it would have been good if you just had some sort of introductory paragraph or two saying "It's a post apocalyptic world (or whatever), I am a (deity? human with powers? whatever the guy was supposed to be) the leader of the human resistance against the evil Wraths. A half-angel was sent down to help protect us...that is, if her split personality doesn't turn around and destroy us first. But so far, I have her under control yadda yadda yadda."

 

[sr71plt]

That didn't seem realistic.

Did you really mean plausible or conceivable rather than realistic? I haven't read the story, but from your description, "realistic" seems not in any way a goal of such a story.

 

[barrymanilow]

Did you really mean plausible or conceivable rather than realistic? I haven't read the story, but from your description, "realistic" seems not in any way a goal of such a story.

You're right, that is a better way to describe it. Obviously the story itself is fantasy so "realistic" isn't the right word.

To clarify: Even in a supernatural fantasy world, we still have to buy that the characters' actions are conceivable and they would act in their own self interest. Despite the setting, we would be inclined to believe that anyone who is under attack from an enemy would likely make dealing with that their number one priority, so if they start having sex instead while they are under attack and we don't get a reason for it, it seems odd.