First Story finally posted - thanks for any feedback

[Xodus]

It took six, nail biting days, but it's finally here
Thanks for any feedback in advance.
It's a BDSM story that includes incest.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=75762

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Xodus,

You have a long and very ambitious first story. What follows is just some thoughts about things which IMHO might make it a better read. None of this is chiseled in stone stuff-just my subjective opinion. Only you, the writer, can decided what, if any, of this advice to follow.

(By the way, your first post being five pages long may explain why this is the first critique you've had posted. Folks here seem to prefer shorter reads, just ask Proofread Manx who had a five pager over on the Story Discussion Circle.)

Now to some of the problems:

Due to excess verbage the story is very slow and, IMHO, almost tedious in spots. For instance, about a third of your story involves one shopping trip. While being laid-back may be a writer's style, pacing and tempo are important. Here, for example, are the first three paragraphs which, IMHO, could easily be edited down into a faster read.

"The call came from out of the blue. Jake couldn't believe his luck!

"The call had been from his cousin, Alexa, at about three that afternoon. It was 6:00 P.M. now and he was still in shock.

"Alexa was his younger cousin on his mother's side. She was thirty-two years old, seventeen years younger than Jake. She had always been one of the black sheep in the family. Bouts with drugs and alcohol, sex with a lot of different men, and two children out of wedlock had given her quite a reputation within the relatively close family." (97 words)

note: Since you established in the second paragraph that she was his cousin, why repeat the information?

--
Here's one way those three paragraphs might be combined and condensed:
--

"The call from his cousin Alexa came out of the blue. That'd been at three. Now it was six (be consistent-either spell or use numbers for both times) and Jake was still in shock and couldn't believe his good luck.

"At thirty-two, she was seventeen years younger than he was. Bouts with drugs and alcohol, sex with many different men which had resulted in two children out of wedlock had made her the black sheep of their close family." (79 words)

note: The first two paragraphs of the story begin with "The call...." On the last page, the first five paragraphs begin with "Jake" which is also the first word in five other paragraphs on that page. Unless you're going for some special literary effect, that's usually a good thing to avoid.

On that last page, when Jake was speaking to Heather, you ended six sentences with her name. ex.
"I want you to help your mother now, Heather."
"I am going to tell you what to do with the dildo, Heather."
"Now, I want you to hold the dildo firmly in place, Heather."

IMHO, there were other problems. But they, like the ones I picked on, can all be corrected. Try to figure out what makes stories you like work (or those you don't like, not work) then keep writing and you'll keep improving.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[NorthwestRain]

Just want to start a round of applause for Mr. Foreskin.
Excellent feedback. You're a lucky writer Xodus!
(Too long for me though, sorry)

 

[Xodus]

Thanks for the feedback, Rumple
I agree about using the times wrong. I went back through and changed all my times to use the ##.## PM/AM but missed the first one
I think I may have problems because the story was written for those in the BDSM lifestyle.
He uses her name a lot at first on purpose. Later, he begins to call her sweetie a lot. Finally, he will only call her slave.
The scene in the store is the longest, because in a BDSM sense it's very important. It's a humiliation-control scene. They can be long and drawn out in real life also. But, it is very important for a Dom to establish power and control in the relationship. The discriptions of the toys had to be long and accurate also as toys are very important in BDSM.

Edit:
Thanks to any who have voted and sent feedback but haven't posted here, also.
It's had 4k reads, 26 votes, 38 great feedbacks, and is rated at 4.73. It's number 10 on the top BDSM votes list.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Basically I second Rumple's critique.

You seem to have no problem with the mechanics of writing, but let's get on with it! I usually give an author her about half a screen page to prove to me that the story's going to be worth reading. I scanned down the whole first screen page and didn't see any sexual action. Now, that's okay if the story is interesting to that point, but you give us way to much information. We don't really need to know a list of things that Alex inserted the last time she made a porno film, do we?

It's nice that Rumple gave you a sample of how he might rewrite it, but that's a personal style thing. Anmd I don't think it's a mtter of tightening the prose as much as it is a matter of getting rid of non-essential information.

I would lay this aside for three weeks or so, and then go back and pencil out anything that isn't necessary for the telling of the story. See what you end up with them.

---dr.M.

 

[Xodus]

Thanks Dr.
I felt the information about the first porno that Alexa did was crucial so that the reader would know that she had never experienced anything near what she is going to experience now.
Sorry, you need a sex scene right off. I like to build to them with lots of development first. Part Two has many more sex scenes than part one because the characters are already developed.