Oh, I'm definitely actually wet ... I just think it can disappear fairly readily. Sometimes if something happens that's a total turn off, but other times for inexplicable reasons.
More data here is always better than less.
Yes, now that I see all the glitches, I totally see the value of hearing it out loud (or actually reading it out loud myself). Thanks for the tip!
Thanks ... all good advice. I am actually meant to be working with a friend on writing projects (i.e. each of us act as beta readers for the other), but while this was his idea, he seems to have gotten distracted. Someone from here also read it and gave me some super constructive advice. It's all a learning process.
I think some of this wasn't included because I literally just don't care. However, I see what you mean about creating some contrast if there's two different guys involved.Now that I have actually read it I can comment on the story, not just the technical side of Lit.
First off, I LOVE it! I can't imagine a woman, or at least a Lit reading woman, that never entertained an idea of doing this, of being that girl.
On the writing side, the run off sentences and the punctuation didn't bother me at all. The whole piece pulled me in so hard, that these things didn't matter, they didn't break the fluidity of the storytelling. Though the missed words did. You don't have too many of those, but if you ever decide to re-edit, I would start with those. There are not too many of them, so it's not a huge problem, but they made me stop and re-read the sentences.
On the physical description side, I don't care much about the cock or breast sizes, but it would be nice to have some comparison between the guys. Who is taller? Who is bigger? Who is thicker? Like, if you were to be blindfolded, would you be able to tell who's cock is inside your mouth? If so, how?
Same for the ass fucking - how did they decide who goes there? Was it the slimmer guy, because you would need less prep? Or that aspect didn't come into their decision making at all? And, by the way, it reads as if there wasn't much prep at all, just applying the lube on the outside and on the cock. No fingers slipping into your arse to stretch it a bit? And that didn't make you scream in pain? It's quite possible that you (your character) didn't need it, but that probably requires a bit of explanation.
And the opposite goes for the vaginal fucking. You just came, you are dripping wet according to the guys. Then why do they need any lube to go in? You can't be dry and dripping at the same time. So when they grabbed the lube for the first time I thought they were going right to the DP part, but they didn't, which was confusing for a second. After a second it didn't matter any more because the fuck-switch-fuck sequence was too good to remember what was just before it
Thanks - useful things to think about. The lack of a description thing was easy ... I really hate describing myself, so I avoid it at all costs. And yeah, reading it on here I see that there's definitely some words/phrases that are overly repeated ... so much to think about!Hi @KimGordon67 ,
Welcome! We need more girls who like a good face-fuck, followed by anal.
TBH - I havenāt finished the story yet. Just the first page. Had to break for a meeting. Thought Iād write some initial thoughts.
So two responses.
As a human. It passed the patented Emily Miller hand down panties test (Iām working from home and my boyfriend is at a conference, so a welcome diversion). You scored two fingers
As a writer. In many ways, Iām not qualified to comment. Iāve been doing this stuff for less than a year. Iām a learner. However. I think you conveyed the mixture of hunger and nervousness, I found that both familiar (albeit historically) and engaging. In my early work, I used to spend forever in saying: Iām this tall (5ā1ā), this cup size (32A), my pussy looks like this and so on. You learnt this lesson quicker than me.
We both write pretty detailed sex scenes. I actually like this, but itās not for everyone. A problem - particularly if you are dealing with two cocks - is repetition. You can only use sucked
/ licked / swallowed so many times. I think maybe once you have established that the FMC is on her knees, you can be less literal about some things. āI sucked Dean hard, sliding my lips down his throbbing shaft. Then it was Robās turn again.ā Thatās not meant to be an exemplar, just an example. Having said that, I bet you could find ten instances of me doing just what Iām telling you not to within a five minute search.
It was sexy and I responded to how you described the FMCs excitement. It flowed. I wanted to keep reading. Will read the rest later and maybe add more comments.
I think you did a fine job. Not intended to sound patronizing. I just mean what I say.
Em
What happened to that dude's original comment? Did someone report it?
More likely he deleted it himself. There was nothing to report there, he was just trolling a bit.
