First story feedback ...

[KimGordon67]

I'm sure a bazillion people posting their first story in Lit ask for feedback ... I've certainly seen a few such posts in here, and have always been struck by how generous the people who respond are. (LOL ... that does sound like I'm deliberately creating a context in which people would be less inclined to be mean to me, and that's partly the case, but it's also a true statement.)
So ... yes, I have just have my first Lit story published, and I'd be interested in thoughts. It's not very developed as a story ... partly this is just me getting a fantasy out there for whatever prurient interests I might have personally, and partly it's seeing if I can write sex. I have some thoughts about a longer piece that has more of a story and more character development, depending (I guess) on how this one goes. The initial responses seem pretty favourable, but I've been in the skanky corners of the internet so long, I tend to just assume that's a 'new meat' effect (especially if the new meat seems to be a woman) ... not that I'm suggesting the AH is skanky, of course! (I also have no idea what the red H means ... I mean, I know it means 'hot' but I don't know how it ends up attached to a story, so can't tell if that's meaningful or not.)

I know I've screwed up the commas in the dialogue ... I might get around to making an edit to fix that, but probably not. And apparently I need more paragraph breaks.
Any other thoughts gratefully received, including those which are constructively critical - I have a relatively thick skin.

 

[MrPixel]

I noticed one problem paragraph in the middle of the action. The "oops" are in red:

"Jesus!" I say, almost involuntarily. Dean pulls back, slapping my arse as he slides out of me, making me groans a little.

I'm entertaining the thought that you were so turned on by your own scene that these minor blips slipped detailed attention. Happens to the best of us.

 

[MelissaBaby]

I'm sure a bazillion people posting their first story in Lit ask for feedback ... I've certainly seen a few such posts in here, and have always been struck by how generous the people who respond are. (LOL ... that does sound like I'm deliberately creating a context in which people would be less inclined to be mean to me, and that's partly the case, but it's also a true statement.)
So ... yes, I have just have my first Lit story published, and I'd be interested in thoughts. It's not very developed as a story ... partly this is just me getting a fantasy out there for whatever prurient interests I might have personally, and partly it's seeing if I can write sex. I have some thoughts about a longer piece that has more of a story and more character development, depending (I guess) on how this one goes. The initial responses seem pretty favourable, but I've been in the skanky corners of the internet so long, I tend to just assume that's a 'new meat' effect (especially if the new meat seems to be a woman) ... not that I'm suggesting the AH is skanky, of course! (I also have no idea what the red H means ... I mean, I know it means 'hot' but I don't know how it ends up attached to a story, so can't tell if that's meaningful or not.)

I know I've screwed up the commas in the dialogue ... I might get around to making an edit to fix that, but probably not. And apparently I need more paragraph breaks.
Any other thoughts gratefully received, including those which are constructively critical - I have a relatively thick skin.

A red H signifies that the story has a score of 4.50 or higher with at least ten votes.

I thought it was a fine first effort, but can offer a few minor critiques:

You've already mentioned the quote/comma situation. There are some other minor punctuation problems. Just be more careful.

A number of times that you've used ellipses and em dashes, they seem unnecessary. I think they interrupt your flow.

Something I have to be aware of myself, so I notice it in others, too many compound and run on sentences.

This sentence contains eight commas and two ellipses. I think I get what you were going for- a sense of breathless urgency. But it's just a bit too much.

My body tenses more, stretching out, pushing against Rob's fingers and pulling up into Dean's mouth, my hand reaching around his head to pull him into the kiss that's gotten harder, more urgent, until I squeal into his mouth a little, everything building up into an almost unbearable pressure... and then I release, arching back a little, my whole body straining into the feeling... and then the tension washes out of me.

 

[NoTalentHack]

The technical issues that the others highlights are accurate. But I’d like to say also that it was a fun story, and it earned you a follow. Keep at it!

 

[KimGordon67]

I noticed one problem paragraph in the middle of the action. The "oops" are in red:



I'm entertaining the thought that you were so turned on by your own scene that these minor blips slipped detailed attention. Happens to the best of us.

Lol ... unfortunately that was just a big standard typo.

 

[KimGordon67]

A red H signifies that the story has a score of 4.50 or higher with at least ten votes.

I thought it was a fine first effort, but can offer a few minor critiques:

You've already mentioned the quote/comma situation. There are some other minor punctuation problems. Just be more careful.

A number of times that you've used ellipses and em dashes, they seem unnecessary. I think they interrupt your flow.

Something I have to be aware of myself, so I notice it in others, too many compound and run on sentences.

This sentence contains eight commas and two ellipses. I think I get what you were going for- a sense of breathless urgency. But it's just a bit too much.

Thanks - super useful point. I hate run on sentences myself!

 

[AnnieLit]

Unlike here on the boards, I don't think there is a "new meat" effect on the main side of Lit. Plus over there nobody cares much about your gender - there is no flirting in the comments, or at least I have never seen any, so the author's gender might be relevant only to the authenticity of the story, but not to the ratings.

In short - it's all you!

 

[Djmac1031]

1st of all, welcome.

So over all thoughts: a very solid first effort.

Definitely need to do away with the -- double dashes --. They get distracting very quickly.

And yes, more paragraph breaks.

But your writing style is well done and avoids a lot of the usual over the top tropes one finds in these kinds of stories. So kudos for that.

You also avoided the Physical Description Exposition Dump.

In fact I didn't see any real physical descriptions at all; no cock or breast sizes etc.

Instead you focused more on the character interactions, letting the reader imagine their looks.

Nothing wrong with that approach at all.

Great job. Looking forward to seeing more from you.

 

[KimGordon67]

A red H signifies that the story has a score of 4.50 or higher with at least ten votes.

I thought it was a fine first effort, but can offer a few minor critiques:

You've already mentioned the quote/comma situation. There are some other minor punctuation problems. Just be more careful.

A number of times that you've used ellipses and em dashes, they seem unnecessary. I think they interrupt your flow.

Something I have to be aware of myself, so I notice it in others, too many compound and run on sentences.

This sentence contains eight commas and two ellipses. I think I get what you were going for- a sense of breathless urgency. But it's just a bit too much.

A more fulsome response, now I have more time ... thanks for the explanation of the red H's.

The example of that sentence is really useful, and that point echoes comments from other people ... I really need to rein in the ellipses and em dashes. I think sometimes I write like how it sounds in my head, but that's not necessarily readable for other people. Thanks for the thoughtful feedback!

 

[KimGordon67]

1st of all, welcome.

So over all thoughts: a very solid first effort.

Definitely need to do away with the -- double dashes --. They get distracting very quickly.

And yes, more paragraph breaks.

But your writing style is well done and avoids a lot of the usual over the top tropes one finds in these kinds of stories. So kudos for that.

You also avoided the Physical Description Exposition Dump.

In fact I didn't see any real physical descriptions at all; no cock or breast sizes etc.

Instead you focused more on the character interactions, letting the reader imagine their looks.

Nothing wrong with that approach at all.

Great job. Looking forward to seeing more from you.

Thanks for this. I really wasn't sure whether I needed to include physical descriptions or not - I guess I didn't because that sort of thing isn't hugely important to me? (I actually do mention that one of the guys has a dad bod, but that's about it.) I probably could include some other stuff - like, with the one of the guys, there's a particular way his eyes wrinkle when he smiles that I could have included. With the guy I haven't seen for a long time, I probably could have said something about how our bodies had aged - I don't know if that would have made it more or less relatable? (The bigger story I'm considering is about a relationship that occurred entirely online/over the phone, so looks don't come into at all.)
I'm generally not a fan of massive exposition in movies or stories, so probably why I avoided most of that. I think having things based on real people stops it getting too over the top - like, I can just think 'what would X say/do in this situation?' and because I know them, it's easy to come up with an answer. Helps with getting little details in as well.
Thanks so much for your considered comments - I really appreciate it.

 

[BobbyBrandt]

Fun story.

Two suggestions:

1. Most of the technical issues mentioned by others could be resolved by using an application such as Grammarly. At least it would highlight them for your review.

2. Your last review of the story prior to posting should be audible. (If the application that you use to write the story doesn't support text-to-speech conversion, there are a number of websites with that capability at no charge.) Listen to what you have written. It will often tell you more than reading it again.

 

[Lifestyle66]

Great first story. I read it when it first posted and had already given it a 5, with the comment that I'd like to see more.

I started here over two years ago with my first very short story "He Missed You - 750 Words". Then I began writing and posting other longer stories in a series, which was slammed for various reasons, so here's some advice from that experience:

-Use a word processor such as MS Word or Grammarly as other here suggested and pay attention to and correct those misspelling and grammar errors. There are many readers who will be annoyed by such things, and they'll let you know in a negative way.

-Find someone to "beta-read" your story before you post it to give you feedback on misunderstandings in scenes. That which you are describing from your own mind is already clear in your mind. But sometimes you might miss a detail which the reader hasn't seen in the words.

-I've found using a text-to-speech program helpful in listening to my story before posting, because if helps me find spelling or context errors which I've overlooked by "reading" what I think I wrote. I use "Speech2Go" to create MP3 files and listen to them while working on other things. The audio rendition tells me exactly what the text says. And it's helpful in hearing the word flow to decide how I might say the same thing to flow better.

-The success of your first story may be due to several factors which may or may not be in subsequent stories. So, don't be discouraged if other stories don't do as well. This one was a single female's POV of fulfilling her MFM fantasy, and it is posted to the Group Sex category. Those stars all aligned for a receptive reader experience. If you dare to post to Loving Wives category, WATCH OUT and be prepared for VERY negative responses from some of those readers. Your same story with just a change of the couple being married and posted to Loving Wives would probably have an average rating less than three.


-Don't take any one vote or any one comment from any one reader too seriously. Every reader is shouting out their own opinion, and it's just one person out of over 8 billion on this planet. Keep it in perspective and just enjoy writing and sharing your fantasies! Someone out there appreciates it!

 

[AnnieLit]

Now that I have actually read it I can comment on the story, not just the technical side of Lit.

First off, I LOVE it! I can't imagine a woman, or at least a Lit reading woman, that never entertained an idea of doing this, of being that girl.

On the writing side, the run off sentences and the punctuation didn't bother me at all. The whole piece pulled me in so hard, that these things didn't matter, they didn't break the fluidity of the storytelling. Though the missed words did. You don't have too many of those, but if you ever decide to re-edit, I would start with those. There are not too many of them, so it's not a huge problem, but they made me stop and re-read the sentences.

On the physical description side, I don't care much about the cock or breast sizes, but it would be nice to have some comparison between the guys. Who is taller? Who is bigger? Who is thicker? Like, if you were to be blindfolded, would you be able to tell who's cock is inside your mouth? If so, how?
Same for the ass fucking - how did they decide who goes there? Was it the slimmer guy, because you would need less prep? Or that aspect didn't come into their decision making at all? And, by the way, it reads as if there wasn't much prep at all, just applying the lube on the outside and on the cock. No fingers slipping into your arse to stretch it a bit? And that didn't make you scream in pain? It's quite possible that you (your character) didn't need it, but that probably requires a bit of explanation.

And the opposite goes for the vaginal fucking. You just came, you are dripping wet according to the guys. Then why do they need any lube to go in? You can't be dry and dripping at the same time. So when they grabbed the lube for the first time I thought they were going right to the DP part, but they didn't, which was confusing for a second. After a second it didn't matter any more because the fuck-switch-fuck sequence was too good to remember what was just before it

 

[Bramblethorn]

I noticed one problem paragraph in the middle of the action. The "oops" are in red:



I'm entertaining the thought that you were so turned on by your own scene that these minor blips slipped detailed attention. Happens to the best of us.

What's the issue with "he" there?

 

[MrPixel]

It was omitted.

 

[alohadave]

And the opposite goes for the vaginal fucking. You just came, you are dripping wet according to the guys. Then why do they need any lube to go in? You can't be dry and dripping at the same time.

If the guy is dry, there is still plenty of friction until the penis is fully wet.

Dripping wet doesn't necessarily mean that a man can push in with zero resistance.

 

[MelissaBaby]

Thanks for this. I really wasn't sure whether I needed to include physical descriptions or not - I guess I didn't because that sort of thing isn't hugely important to me? (I actually do mention that one of the guys has a dad bod, but that's about it.) I probably could include some other stuff - like, with the one of the guys, there's a particular way his eyes wrinkle when he smiles that I could have included. With the guy I haven't seen for a long time, I probably could have said something about how our bodies had aged - I don't know if that would have made it more or less relatable? (The bigger story I'm considering is about a relationship that occurred entirely online/over the phone, so looks don't come into at all.)
I'm generally not a fan of massive exposition in movies or stories, so probably why I avoided most of that. I think having things based on real people stops it getting too over the top - like, I can just think 'what would X say/do in this situation?' and because I know them, it's easy to come up with an answer. Helps with getting little details in as well.
Thanks so much for your considered comments - I really appreciate it.

My practice is to keep physical descriptions of characters very minimal. I believe that most readers like to "cast the parts" with their own imagination.

I think though, that while my approach is appropriate for the kind of plot heavy stories I write, it may not be for more straightforward sexual action. Readers looking to get off to a story might want more specifics.

 

[AnnieLit]

Oh, what are you doing? Are you trying to give poor Slickerz a heart attack? Have you forgotten the third commandment of our beloved guru: "Thou shalt not degrade thyself, as there is NOTHING sexual or erotic about anal sex!"

I am not familiar with the Lit etiquette with regard to the anal sex. For me, and as far as I know for Kim as well, it is both erotic and sexual. One doesn't have to have a prostate to enjoy it.

By the way, your discernment is truly impressive. Could I trouble you to lend me your skills as a pre-reader?

This depends on what you write about and how long your pieces usually are. If it is a 10 part series about incest, rape, or some mythical creatures, I'll pass. If you write stand alone stories that are somewhat realistic, I can give it a try. My PMs are open, you are welcome to drop me a link to what you need help with. I can't help much with grammar though as I am not a native speaker.

 

[AnnieLit]

If the guy is dry, there is still plenty of friction until the penis is fully wet.

Dripping wet doesn't necessarily mean that a man can push in with zero resistance.

Interesting... I'll have to ask around to figure out what the average situation is because this is not how I think about lube and it's uses.

 

[alohadave]

I am not familiar with the Lit etiquette with regard to the anal sex. For me, and as far as I know for Kim as well, it is both erotic and sexual. One doesn't have to have a prostate to enjoy it.


This depends on what you write about and how long your pieces usually are. If it is a 10 part series about incest, rape, or some mythical creatures, I'll pass. If you write stand alone stories that are somewhat realistic, I can give it a try. My PMs are open, you are welcome to drop me a link to what you need help with. I can't help much with grammar though as I am not a native speaker.

He's trolling

 

[EmilyMiller]

Hi @KimGordon67 ,

Welcome! We need more girls who like a good face-fuck, followed by anal .

TBH - I haven’t finished the story yet. Just the first page. Had to break for a meeting. Thought I’d write some initial thoughts.

So two responses.

As a human. It passed the patented Emily Miller hand down panties test (I’m working from home and my boyfriend is at a conference, so a welcome diversion). You scored two fingers .

As a writer. In many ways, I’m not qualified to comment. I’ve been doing this stuff for less than a year. I’m a learner. However. I think you conveyed the mixture of hunger and nervousness, I found that both familiar (albeit historically) and engaging. In my early work, I used to spend forever in saying: I’m this tall (5’1”), this cup size (32A), my pussy looks like this and so on. You learnt this lesson quicker than me.

We both write pretty detailed sex scenes. I actually like this, but it’s not for everyone. A problem - particularly if you are dealing with two cocks - is repetition. You can only use sucked
/ licked / swallowed so many times. I think maybe once you have established that the FMC is on her knees, you can be less literal about some things. “I sucked Dean hard, sliding my lips down his throbbing shaft. Then it was Rob’s turn again.” That’s not meant to be an exemplar, just an example. Having said that, I bet you could find ten instances of me doing just what I’m telling you not to within a five minute search.

It was sexy and I responded to how you described the FMCs excitement. It flowed. I wanted to keep reading. Will read the rest later and maybe add more comments.

I think you did a fine job. Not intended to sound patronizing. I just mean what I say.

Em

 

[AnnieLit]

He's trolling

I know

 

[KimGordon67]

It was omitted.

Oh ... right. I was wondering about that too.

 

[KimGordon67]

Now that I have actually read it I can comment on the story, not just the technical side of Lit.

First off, I LOVE it! I can't imagine a woman, or at least a Lit reading woman, that never entertained an idea of doing this, of being that girl.

On the writing side, the run off sentences and the punctuation didn't bother me at all. The whole piece pulled me in so hard, that these things didn't matter, they didn't break the fluidity of the storytelling. Though the missed words did. You don't have too many of those, but if you ever decide to re-edit, I would start with those. There are not too many of them, so it's not a huge problem, but they made me stop and re-read the sentences.

On the physical description side, I don't care much about the cock or breast sizes, but it would be nice to have some comparison between the guys. Who is taller? Who is bigger? Who is thicker? Like, if you were to be blindfolded, would you be able to tell who's cock is inside your mouth? If so, how?
Same for the ass fucking - how did they decide who goes there? Was it the slimmer guy, because you would need less prep? Or that aspect didn't come into their decision making at all? And, by the way, it reads as if there wasn't much prep at all, just applying the lube on the outside and on the cock. No fingers slipping into your arse to stretch it a bit? And that didn't make you scream in pain? It's quite possible that you (your character) didn't need it, but that probably requires a bit of explanation.

And the opposite goes for the vaginal fucking. You just came, you are dripping wet according to the guys. Then why do they need any lube to go in? You can't be dry and dripping at the same time. So when they grabbed the lube for the first time I thought they were going right to the DP part, but they didn't, which was confusing for a second. After a second it didn't matter any more because the fuck-switch-fuck sequence was too good to remember what was just before it

I'm going to respond to all of this, and the rest of the super generous comments (except for *that* guy), properly later. But one thing that made me try to think ... I'm pretty sure that during a sustained session of sex I've been wet, and then fairly shortly afterwards not wet again ... not necessarily *dry*, but definitely not 'dripping wet'. I think that's why I wrote it like that.
I'll pay more attention this weekend ... you know, for research purposes.

 

[Euphony]

I'm pretty sure that during a sustained session of sex I've been wet, and then fairly shortly afterwards not wet again ... not necessarily *dry*, but definitely not 'dripping wet'. I think that's why I wrote it like that.

There's not a right/wrong here. A woman can *feel* incredibly turned on/aroused/ready (which we shorthand "wet") while not being surface high level slick (where is more obvious to the partner)

As with everything sexual, especially arousal it's a lens thing so both can be simultaneously valid.

Readers (and often authors) agree on the shorthands like " wet, dripping, hard, etc." to mean aroused and it generally works. There are interesting nuances to explore (I do b/c I find them fascinating) but I find readers aren't enthused about coming along for those particular flights unless I clear a wide, smooth runway first, usually throwing at least some of the familiars at them to ease any initial turbulence.